ENCOURAGING STORIES,POEMS,JOKES AND MANY MORE STUFF

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ENCOURAGING STORIES&NBSP; AND THOUGHTS (LIKE CHICKEN SOUP....)

TREES&NBSP; TALE OF THREE TREES, TELLING US TO WAIT FOR THE RIGHT TIME

COCOON&NBSP;WHEN WE UNKNOWINGLY HURT SOMEONE

LOVESTORY&NBSP; OF RICHNESS, LOVE, HATE AND TIME

LOCAL TRAIN&NBSP; HOW PEOPLE GIVE THEIR HAND TO HELP US IN LOCALS

PRESENT&NBSP; OF YOU WILL MAKE YOUR TOMORROW BRIGHT

INSTRUCTION&NBSP; TO HAVE A GOOD LIFE

FRIEND&NBSP; HOW FRIENDS CAN HELP YOU, THEIR DEFINATIONS

POEMS

ITS UP TO YOU&NBSP; TO DO THINGS RIGHT

CTRL ALT DEL&NBSP;WHEN WE WANT CTRL ALT DEL TO WORK IN LIFE

INDESPENSABLE&NBSP; WHO IS INDESPENSABLE ?

REMEMBER&NBSP; WHEN ? (COMPUTER TERMINOLOGY)

INVISIBLE&NBSP; FRIEND

MYSTERY OR UNSOLVED QUESTIONS

TITANIC&NBSP; MYSTERY BEHIND SINKING OF TITANIC

WHY&NBSP;DID CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD ?? (ANSWERS BY THINKERS AND OTHER PERONALITIES)

COWS&NBSP;DEFINATION OF VARIOUS GOVT. AND IDEOLOGY BY EXAMPLE OF COWS

PHYSICS&NBSP;PROBLEM

JOKES

FILM DIALOGUES

SHOLEY&NBSP; DIALOGUES

DEEWAR&NBSP; DIALOGUES

AJIT&NBSP; DIALOGUES

QUESTION PAPERS OF VARIOUS UNIVERSITIES

BIHAR ENGG. COLLEGE&NBSP;QUESTION PAPER

PUNJAB UNIVERSITY&NBSP;QUESTION PAPER

RESUME&NBSP; OF A TERRORIST

APLLICATION&NBSP;FOR ELECTION

SARDARJI KE&NBSP; JOKES

LOVE LETTER &NBSP; OF S/W ENGINEER

HINDI SHAYRI

S/W SONG BY GURUDATT &NBSP; YEH DUNIYA AGAR MIL BHI JAYEE TO KYA HAI

DIARY &NBSP; OF A S/W PROGRAMMER

WINDOWS98 &NBSP; IN HINDI

MICROSOFT &NBSP; JOKES

GOODIES AND LIGHT&NBSP; JOKES

LALOO&NBSP; WENT TO SEE A MOVIE

HOROSCOPE

HOROSCOPE&NBSP; BASED ON YOUR DAY OF BIRTH

HOROSCOPE&NBSP;TELLING ABOUT FRIENDS BASED ON YOUR SIGNS

CHICAGO INFO&NBSP; ABOUT CITY, TRANSPORT, VISITOR INFO ETC.

Subject SHOLAY-2
Sholay Dialogues again here for our Week-end Entertinment

--------------------------------------------------------------

BASANTI AUR VEERU
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After giving up 'goondagiri', Veeru has now joined an Indian body
shopper and has become a Computer Consultant. Jay (Amitabh) goes to
Mausi for 'Basanti kaa haath mangane'..........

MAUSI bura nahin maanna beta, itna to poochna hi padtaa hai ki
ladke ka khandaan kya hai, uske lakshan kaise hain,
kamaata kitna hai...

AMITABH kamaane ka to ye hai mausi, ki ek baar biwi baccho ki
jimmewari sar pe aa gai, to consultant ka kaam chod kar
regular employee hoga aur phir kamaane bhi lagega.

MAUSI to kya abhi kucch bhi nahin kamaata?
AMITABH nai, nai, ye maine kab kahaa mausi. kamaata hai lekin, ab
roj roj to 'client' mil nahi sakta na, kabhi kabhi
"BENCH" per baith jaata hai bechara.

MAUSI BENCH pe bhi aa jata hai?

AMITABH haan mausi, ab ye kambakht Computer Consultancy cheej hi
aisi hai ab main kya kahun...
MAUSI to kya programmer hai?

AMITABH chee, chi, chi, chee, chee! wo aur programmer? NAA! NAA!!
wo to bahut hi acchhaa aur nek ladka hai, lekin waise ek
baar kisi desi body shopper ke haat lag jaye na phir
'language/RDBMS/QA' ka kahaan hosh rahta hai! haath pakad
ke 'IDMS' ya 'QA' karvaane bithadiya desi ne, ab isme
bechaare Veeru ka kya dosh.

MAUSI theek kahte ho beta, programmer woh, DBA woh, DESI ke
paas
kaam karta hai woh, lekin uska koi dosh nahin.

AMITABH mausi aap to mere dost ko galat samajh rahen hai, wo to
itna seedha aur bhola hai, arey Basanti se uski shaadi
kar
ke to dekhiye, ye 'programming', 'DBA' aur 'client ke
paas
jane ki aadat' to do din main chhoot jayegi.

MAUSI arey beta is budhiya ko samjha rahe ho! apne COMPUTER
CONSULTANTS ko chod dene ki aadat kisi body shopper ki
chhooti hai aaj tak?

AMITABH mausi aap Veeru ko nahin jaanti, biswaas kijiye wo is
tarah
ka insaan nahin hai. ek baar shaadi ho gai to wo 'PAGER'
bhi rakhna band kar dega, bas PROGRAMMING apne aap chhoot
jayegi.
MAUSI hai raam, bas yehi ek kami baaki rah gai thi, to kya
PAGER
bhi rakhta hai?

AMITABH to usme kaun si buri baat hai mausi, arey PAGER to
PRESIDENT, VP, CEO aur unchey-unchey log rakhte hai haan.

MAUSI accha! to beta ye bhi batate jaao ki tumhare ye gunwaan
dost assal me kis company ke employee hai?

AMITABH bas mausi, hum 'trace' kar rahe hai, original H1 milte hi
company ka pata chal jayega aur hum aapko khabar de
denge.

MAUSI ek baat ki daad dungi beta, bhale sow buraiyaan hon
tumhare
dost main, phir bhi tumhare muh se uske liye tareef hi
nikalti hai.

AMITABH kya karoon mausi, hum body shoppers log hi kucch aise
hai. to mai ye rista pakka samjhoon.

MAUSI pakka! bhale saari jindagi ladki kuwaari baithi rahe,
lekin aise aadmi se Basanti ko nahin byahne waali, sagi
mausi
hoon koi sauteli maan nahin.

AMITABH ajeeeeb baaat hai, mere itne samjhaane par bhi aapne
inkaar kar diya, bechaara Veeru, na jaane ab agla client
kaha
milega!!
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****************************************

Deewar

This is 21st century Deewar with two brothers Ravi (Shashi Kapoor)
and Vijay (Amitabh Bachchan) who are programmers. They are at a
clash
because Vijay indulges into using computer resources for downloading
illegal software and software piracy and Ravi has been assigned the
task by System Administration of clearing the systems of such evils.
He is writing a program to identify and weed out such Nethackers.
So this is the fight betn. Ravi's ethics and Vijay's philosophy.
Vijay logs in and starts netchat with Ravi who is already logged
in.

Amitabh- shukar hai aaj tum bug fix nahi kar raheho muze login
karne
mein der to nahi hui.
Shashi- koi bat nahi. Netscape chalanewale hamesha slowhi kam
karte
hai.
Amitabh- mai jo kuch kahana chahata hun uske pahale pooch lu ki
muze sunnewala kaun hai ek bhai ya system administrator.
Shashi- jabtak ek bhai programming kar raha hai ek bhai sun raha
hai.Jub mpegs play karega ek system administrator sunega.
Amitabh- Ravi tumhe malum nahi kin programmers ko tumme apna
dushman
bana liya hai aaj to maine unko virus spread karne se rok liya
par shayad kal na rok saku. Tum documentation mein transfer lelo
Ravi.
Shashi- Nethacker bhaika login karke bol raha hai.
Amitabh- lagata hai wo partition jo hum dono ki disk mein hai wo is
pc ke hard disk se bahot bada hai.
Ravi tumhe malum nahi jo program tum likh rahe ho uska
anjaam kya ho sakta hai.
Shashi- Jo program mein likh raha houn wo hang bhi ho sakta hai par
jo program tum chala rahe ho uska anjaam sirf core dump hi hai
mere bhai.
Amitabh- main to mera code run kar chuka houn par tumhare paas
to abhi bahot memory hai. Yahan our bhi companies hai tum
udhar kyoun nahi chale jate.
Shashi- nahi, mere usul mere adarsh muze iski izzazat nahi de
sakate.
Amitabh- Oof tumhare usul, tumhare adarsh.?!!! kis kam ke hai
tumhare
usul.Tumhare tamam usulonko computer mein dalkar do lines ka code
nahi likha ja sakata,Ravi.Jin adarshonpe chalkar tum apne
programs likh rahe ho kya diya hai tumko un adarshone.
Ek do KB ka ram, 1MB ka 286 PC, ek do kawadi ka pager. Hum
dono ne is pc se programming chalu kiya our tum kaha rah gaye our
mein kaha aa gaya. Aaj mere paas mpegs hai, Avi hai, jpegs
hai,Pentium hai, kya hai tumhare paas
Shashi- Mere paas root password hai.-

Subject ajit.

Mickey Mouse Ajit, Muzhe Ramayan padhnee hai.
Ajeet Raabert, isse wall peh chipka do
Raabert yeh kyon baas?
Ajeet Taaki yeh waal-mickey kehlaygaa aur usse Ramayan
apne aap samazh me ayegee!

Scene Ajit murders a man.
Ajeet Raabert, Is aadmi ko Hero Honda ki tank mein dal do.
Raabert kyon baas?
Ajeet Fill it,shut it,forget it!

Boss Raabert!
Rab Yes, bass?
Boss Yeh "bus" mei kuch hawa daal do.
Rab Lekin, kyon bass?
Boss Yeh bus "Airbus" ban jayega.

Robert boss, China se Mr. Hu aayee hain.
Ajit Goli maar do.
Robert Kyo boss ?
Ajit Hu mar jaane par humor ban ke sab ko
hasaayenge.

Scene Ajeet thouroughly disgusted with Mona da..arrling's
typing.
Ajeet Raaberrt, Mona ke dono hathon ko kaat do.
Raabert Magar kyoon baas?
Ajeet Typing to nahi atee, kamsekam shaarthand to seekh
legi.

Ajeet Raabert, in kutton ke saamne yeh Compooter laga do
aur debugger starrt kar do.
Raabert Lekin kyoon, baas?
Ajeet Saale Checkpoint mein atak jayenge.

Ajeet Raabert, Test Match mein kyaa ho raha hai ?
Raabert Boss, Vivian Richards chhakke pe chhakka maar
raha hai.
Ajeet Saaleh ko sabak sikhana padega. Lunch break mein
usse phone milana.
Raabert Yes Boss.
Ajeet (on phone, to Richards) Veeveeyun Reechards,
tumhari Maa hamare kabze mein hai .......

Scene Ajeet comes to know about the traitor in his gang.
Ajeet Raabert, ise ShamePain mein daal tho, agar Shame
se nahi mara to Pain se mar jayega.

Ajeet Rabert! isko eraser se maar do, yeh mar bhi jayega
aur mit bhi jayega

Raabert Boss! Aaap ko kaun si teen chiz sabse jahyahda
pasand hein boss?
Ajeet Ek Mona, Doosra Sona, aur Tisra, Mona ke saath Sona.

Peter Boss? Sona kahan hei?
Ajeet Tum chahe jahan bhi sona, lekin mujhe to Mona
darling ke saath sona hai!

Scene Ajeet spots one of his is enemies...
Ajeet Maikal, woh jo admi ghadi pahne tumhe nazar aarahaa
hai, woh hamara mehman hai.
Tum ja kar uske doosre hath mein bhee gadhi pahna do...phir
woh do ghadi ka mehman ho jayega !

Raabert Boss? Is kaa kyaa kare boss?
Ajeet Rawbert! Is pille ko liquid oxygen me daal do. Liquid
ise jeene nahi dega, aur oxygen ise marne nahi dega.

Peter Boss? aur is pille ka kyaa kare boss?
Ajeet Peter! Is saale ko super-conductor me daal do, saala
bus mein ticket dete-dete thak jayega.

Peter Boss is saale ka kya karen ?
Ajeet Ise microprocessor mein daal do...BIT by BIT marega !

Robert aur boss..iska kya karen ?
AjeetIse hamlet poison khilado...sochta rahega, to be or not
to be !

Scene Ajeet ordering his chela to kill the enemy
Ajeet "Raabert, Ise varnish mein daal do, saala mar bhi
jaayega aur finish bhi ho jayega.

Bob Boss, mission par kaise jaaoon, mujhe headek ho
raha hai.
Ajeet Abe head ek ho ya do, kaam to karna hi padega!!

Scene Raabert and Ajeet are in a boat. The boat suddenly
springs a hole and water starts coming inside.
Raabert Boss ab kya hoga ??
Ajeet Raabert Ek aur hole bana do , aur ek hole me IN aur
doosre me out likh do . Ek hole se paani ander aayega aur
doosre se bahar chale jayega !!

Scene Raabert had twins and comes to the "Boss".....
Raabert Boss, mere dono bachon ke liye koi naam bataiye..
Ajeet Ek ka naam rakho Peter....
Raabert boss or doosre ka ?
Ajeet Repeater.

Scene Raabert had triplet and comes to the "Boss".....
Raabert Boss, mera teen bachche ka keya naam shoche hein
aap?
Ajeet Ek Naam rakhkho, Peter, Repeater aur Wang Chung.
Raabert Teesra ka naam "Wang Chung" kiu boss???!!!
Ajeet Beokuf, tumhe malum nehi...is prithwi me paida hone
waalaa har teesra bachcha Chinese hota hai.

Scene Raabert and Ajeet go for shikar...Raabert spots a
peacock...
Raabert Boss....more.. more...
Ajeet picks up the peacock, shoots it and says Nomore !

Robert Bass is gaddar ka kya karen ?
Ajeet ise sui chubho chubho kar mar daalo... pulees
samjhegi sui-cide hua hai.

Peter bass yeh aadmi to kuchh boal hee nahin rahaa...
Ajeet Ise revolving chair pe bitha do, pataa to lage chakkar
kya hai.

Ajeet Mona, tum Toni se shaadi mat karnaa, bahut
mona-toni ho jaegi.

Ajeet Raabert, dayna (Diana) ko kuch khatta pila do.
Robert kyu boss ?
Ajeet Bewkoof, woh dayna se daynasour ho jayegi, phir
extinct kar dena.

SubjectResume of a Terrorist ()

----------
Dear all..
PL. DON'T MISS A SINGLE LINE.
IT'S REALLY APPRECIATING..

Objective
------------

To obtain a challenging position as a Crime Implementation
Analyst (CIA)

Education
------------
MS, Criminal Sciences, Virginia Prison for International
Smugglers and The Unlawful (VPISU), August 1996.
Thesis "On escaping from high security prisons like
Alcatrez with minimal efforts"

BS, Crime Technology, Tihar Jail( New Delhi), August 1994
Coursework
--------------

Cop Psychology, Plastic Explosives Technology, Bomb Controls and Timer
Device Theory, International Smuggling and Drug Trafficking, Object
Oriented Crime Design

Work Experience
---------------------

* Research Assistant, LT&T Labs, Jaffna, Aug 1990 - Aug 1991
* Worked on the prestigious Belt Bomb project
* Developed instant death cynide capsules in orange, strawberry
and mint flavors (Patent # 007, 13, 666)
* Summer Intern, Dawood Ibrahim and Haji MastanAssociates, ombay,
June 1987 - July 1990
* Worked as a hitman and was responsible for many supari style
killings
* Participated in election rigging in Bihar and made hafta
collections

Honors
----------

* Won 1980 Gabbar Singh Memorial Award (given to child prodigies
in crime)
* Member, IPKF (Indian Professional Killers Forum) student chapter

References
--------------

* Dr. Charles Sobhraj, Full Time Prof., Tihar Jail, New Delhi
* Dr. Chandra Swamy, Visiting Faculty, Tihar Jail, New Delhi
* Dr. Dawood Ibrahim, Overseas Projects Manager, Dubai
* Dr. Premananda, Full Time Prof, Central Prison, Madras
* Dr. Prabhakaran, Director, Jafna base, Srilanka

Subject Election Application

-------------------------------------------------------------
Application Form To Be Filled For Contesting Indian Elections
-------------------------------------------------------------

1. Name of Candidate _______________________

2. Present Address
(i) Name of Jail _______________________
(ii) Cell Number _______________________
(If not in Jail, attach proof of residence)

3. Political Party _______________________
(List ONLY the Last Five parties in the Chronological Order)

4. Sex [ ]
A - Male
B - Female
C - Jayalalitha
D - Lalloo
5. Nationality [ ]
A - Italian
B - Indian

6. Reasons for leaving last party (circle one or more)
A - Defected
B - Expelled
C - Bought out
D - None of above
E - All of above

7. Reasons for contesting elections (circle one or more)
A - To make money
B - To escape court trial
C - To grossly misuse power
D - To serve the public
E - I have no clue
(if you choose "D,- attach Certificate of Sanity from a
Recogonised Government Psychiatrist)

8. How many years of public service experience do you possess ? [ ]
A - 1-2 yrs
B - 2-6yrs
C - 6-15yrs
D - 15+yrs

9. Give details of any criminal cases pending against you
(Use as many Additional Sheets as you want)

10. How many years have you spent in Jail ? [ ]
(Do not confuse with question 8)
A - 1-2 years
B - 2-6 years
C - 6-15 years
D - 15+years

11. Are you involved in any financial scams ? [ ]
A - Why not
B - Of Course
C - Definitely
D - I deny it all
E - see a foreign hand.

12. What is your Annual Corruption Income ? [ ]
A - 100-500 Crores
B - 500-1000 Crores
C - Overflow...
(Convert all your $ earning from Hawala etc to Rupees)

14. Do you have any developmental plans for the country in mind ? [ ]
A - No
B - No
C - No
D - No

15. Describe in space provided, your achievements _________________

Thumb Impresssion of candidate
(Not that of the person who
filled the form)
Back to TOP of Page
*************************************************************************************************

Bihar Engineering College Entrance Exam
=======================================

Instructions
1) Read each question carefully.
2) Answer all questions.
3) Time Limit 3 weeks.
4) Begin immediately.

1. What language is spoken in France?

2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with
particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social
conditions
OR
Give the first name of Bill Clinton.

3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to
(a) build a bridge
(b) sail the ocean
(c) lead an army
(d) WRITE A PLAY

4. What religion is the Pope? (check only one)
(a) Jewish
(b) Catholic
(c) Hindu
(d) Polish
(e) Agnostic

5. Metric conversion how many feet are in 0.0 meters?

6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little
hand
is
on the 5?

7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)

8. What are people in America's far north called?
(a) Westerners
(b) Southerners
(c) Northerners

9. Give the spellings of Bush, Carter and Clinton.

10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last
one
being
George the Sixth. Name the previous five.

11. Where does rain come from?
(a) Earth
(b) Moon
(c) Sun
(d) Sky

12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
(a) Yes
(b) No

13. What are coat hangers used for?

14. The Star Spangled Banner is the American National Anthem
for
what
country?

15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium
OR
spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.

16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?

17. Which part of America produces the most Florida oranges?
(a) New York
(b) Florida
(c) Canada
(d) Wisconsin

18. Advanced math. If you have three apples how many apples do
you
have?

19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?

-----------------------------

surd
Subject PUNJAB - College Exam.

PUNJAB COLLEGE EXAMINATION QUESTION PAPER

[This one's a little difficult than last year's]

Part 1.

1. Write your name in less than 20 minutes and 20 letters (only
alphabets allowed, no numeric digits or "_" allowed)

2. Sex ?
( ) Male
( ) Female
( ) Sardar

3. What's your age group ?
( ) less than 0
( ) equal to 0
( ) greater than 0

4. What is 2 + 2 ?
( ) FOUR
( ) 4
( ) IV

5. If you have one brother, how many brothers does your brother
have?
( ) none
( ) one
( ) question is too personal

6. Complete the following sentence...........
______ ________ ________ _________ .

7. If there are 365 days in a year, how many days make a year ?

8. Read the statment carefully and answer the following question

"My mother's daughter's brother's mother's mother's daughter's
husband's wife is my mother herself".

Q. How many times the word "mother" appear in the above
statement?
( ) None
( ) few times
( ) uncountable times

9. If someone gives you a dollar for 100 cents , would you
( ) get one dollar ?
( ) 100 cents ?

10. Write an Essay on "MYSELF" in not more than three
sentences.......
(HINT My Name is ___________ (same as in [1]). I am a
___________ (boy/girl). I am writing an essay.)

11. If the time is 3.00 what does your digital watch show ?

12. At what time does the 11.16 Indrani Express come ?

13. What do you do on a honeymoon ?
( ) Collect Honey
( ) Admire Moon
( ) Collect Honey while admiring the moon

14. Earth is Flat ?
( ) False
( ) Indeed False

15. If A = B and B = C then is B = A ?
( ) TRUE
( ) FALSE
( ) OUT OF SYLLABUS

16. If you eat lunch during lunch time, what do you have during
dinner time?

17. If Ram is Sita's Husband, Who is Ram's Wife ?

18. Think and write the present tense of THOUGHT.

19. Complete the following poem
Mary had a little lamb little lamb little lamb_
(HINT "." or "@" or "^" )

20. This is question number
( ) 1
( ) 10
( ) 20

********************************************************

Surd Joke
1.

Part A
Two Surds (Santa and Banta)are playing chess
(That's a big joke as chess is a game of intelligent persons and surds are
considered..... Ha Ha ha)

Part B
Everytime Santa used to win.
So, Banta says "Play with your other hand"
Santa says "OK" and he plays with left hand.
(Ha Ha Ha Chess is game of mind and not of left or right hand)

Part C
Even then santa wins the game. Why?
(He was lefty Ha Ha Ha)

Santa one morning gets up and thinks why all surds are considered
idiot. Today I am going to make everybody fool. He stands up in front of
Kutub Minar and points hand in upward direction and looks up and yells
"LOOK LOOK LOOK LOOK".

People surround him and ask "What's the matter sardarjeee?"

He does not turn around and continues to point upward and yelling "LOOK
LOOK LOOK LOOK"

This continues for a couple of hours and more people gather around him.
Then he thinks that it must be too much. I must have made everybody fool
today.

He puts his hand down and stops yelling and turns around to see all
Sardars!!!!!!

Enjoy this.
In the aftermath of the Debacle India received at the hands of
WI,
Indian Selectors faced with the dilemma of finding an opening
Batsman to face the fiery WI Fast Bowlers.
Atlast a Sardarji is selected to play for the Indian cricket team

as an
opening batsman. He opens the batting against West Indies. He is
asked to face the very first over (with one Sunil Gavaskar as the

non-striker!)
from Marshall who is bowling at his fiercest... Here is the
running commentary.

First ball Perfect Late OutSwinger.Whizzes past Sardarji's =
off-stump.
Sardarji not drawn into playing a false stroke. WicketKeeper
collects the Ball.
Appreciative nod from the non-striker.

Second ball Goes right between the Sardarji's bat and pads and
over
the middle stump, somehow missing both the bat
and the stumps. Sardarji beaten but still unmoved.

Third ball Is an unsettling bouncer. Almost decapitates the
Sardarji, missing his head by a fraction of an inch. Ball
goes to wicket-keeper. Sardarji least perturbed.

Marshall kinda surprised.

Fourth ball Outside the leg-stump. Sardarji again doesn't
move, and the ball shoots past him to the wicket-
keeper. But this time, the umpire shouts
"No Ball!"
Sardarji walks upto the umpire and tells him, "So you discovered
it now?
You see, I know from the very beginning that the guy has no ball
in his hand!"

Subject Surd jokes!

==================
Ticket collection
==================
A Surdarji was going by train from Delhi to Bombay. He kept getting
off at every station to buy a ticket till the next station. When
the train
reached Delhi, the Surd's co-passengers asked him why he kept on
buying tickets instead of buying a ticket for the entire. The Surd
replied that his doctor had advised him against taking long
journeys.

======================
Detective job vacancy
======================
Three men were applying for the same job as a detective. One was a
Sardarji, one was Jewish, and one was Italian. The chief decided to
ask each
applicant just one question and base his decision upon that answer.
When the
Jewish man arrived for his interview, the chief asked him, "Who
killed Jesus
Christ?" The Jewish man answered without hesitation "The Romans
killed him."
The chief thanked him and he left.
When the Italian man arrived for his interview, the chief asked the
same
question. He replied "Jesus was killed by the Jews." Again, the
chief
thanked the man who then left. Finally the Sardarji arrived for his
interview,
he was asked the same question. He thought for a long time, before
saying,
"Could I have some time to think about it?" The chief said, "OK,
but get back
to me tomorrow." When the Sardarji arrived home, his wife asked "How
did the
interview go?". Pat came the reply, "Great,
I got the job, and I'm already investigating a murder.

----------------------------------------------------------------

Banta Singh had just finished his English exam. His friends asked
him
how he did and he replied "Exam was okay, but for the past tense of
THINK,
I thought, thought, thought ... and at last I wrote THUNK !!!"

Surd Joke

There's a funeral procession of a sardar going on a busy street.
All the sardars in the 'mayyat' are dancing the bhangra and
singing and general 'balle balle' is on. The people on the street
find it strange that instead of mourning everyone is celebrating
as if its a marriage baraat.
So one of them asks Santa Singh,
"Singh saab, aapka koi sage wala gujar gaya hai aur aap
naach rahe ho ?"
Santha Singh replies,
"Ha ji ! Hai hi baat bade khushi ki !!! Aaj paheli baar ek sardar *brain*
tumour se mara hai !!!!"

The Genius MS Santa
===================
Microsoft, as usual in short of good software professional, places
an ad in all world famous news papers for a single position who would
be in
charge of their next operating system Windows-96. This becomes scary
news as the
ad says interview would be conducted by Mr. Bill Gates.
Microsoft receives only three applications as the
outcome, from an
American, Japanese and an Indian (of course you guessed it right, no
one other
than Santa Singh). They are all invited to Microsoft HQ in Seattle for
the
interview.Bill gates says "I will ask you only one question and your
answer should decide your fate". All of them prepared to face Mr. Gates

eagerly wait for the question. Bill asks "How do we achieve Windows-96
from
Windows-95?"
American & Japanese are puzzled and think over it and our guy Santa
smiling and dancing in his chair says "balle balle" in mind.

After a while American answers "Fix bugs in Windows-95 for smooth
transitions", Bill shouts "Get out of here...". The poor guy runs
out.

The Japanese says "Make Windows-96 more user friendly than
Windows-95" Bill Gates screams "get the hell out of here....".

Gates looks at Santa, Santa giggles and says
"RENAME Windows-95 Windows-96".
Gates says "Balle, Balle, You got the job"

Back to TOP of Page
*************************************************************************************************
*********************************************************************************************

Subject FW Modern Love Letter

READ IT CAREFULLY ........
Dearest Ms Julie ,

I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in love with you since
the
14th of October (Sunday). With reference to the meeting held between
us on the 13th of Oct. at 1500 hours, I would like to present myself as a
prospective lover.

Our love affair would be on probation for a period of three months and
depending on compatibility, would be made permanent. Of course, upon
completion of probation, there will be continuous on the job training
and performance appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to
spouse.

The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be
shared equally between us. Later, based on your performance, I might take
up a larger share of the expenses. However I am broadminded enough, to be
taken care of, on your expense account.

I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this letter,
failing which, this offer would be cancelled without further notice and
I shall be considering someone else. I would be happy, if you could
forward this letter to your sister, if you do not wish to take up this
offer.

Thanking you in anticipation.

Yours sincerely,
Mr. Romeo

**********************************************************************************************

Subject Shayari .....

Tum hoti to aisa hota, ttum hoti to waisa hota
Tum es bat pe etna hasti, tum es bat pe etna kush hoti,
Tum es bat pe eh kahati,tum es bat pe woh kahati
shukra hai tum nahi ho!!!

before marrige
--------------
takdir hai magar kismat nahi khulti
tajmahal banana chahata hoon
lekin mumtaz nahi milti

after marriage
---------------
takdir hai magar kismat nahi khulti
tajmahal banana chahata hu
lekin mumtaz nahi marti

--
Subject sher-o-shayari..........

Arz kiya hai.....

jawaab teri shayari ka....
denge hum shayari mein....
naam tera likh baithe hain....
apne dil ki diary mein....

Humse Kya Khata Hui Ki Mail Aanna Band Hai......
App hi humse naraz hain ya Mail Server band Hai........

Mashooka Lagta hai meri aankh mein kuch gir gaya, dekho to......
Mashook Darling, ek tinka dikh to raha hai... kyon na use wahin
rahne
diya jaye... main doobonga to sahara dega.......

aapne mere man se khela
aapne mere tan se khela
aapne mere dhan se khela
well played! well played! well played!!

tum aa gaye ho ;noor aa gaya hai
chalo teeno movie chalen.....

Tum har raat mere khwabon mein aao,
Tum har raat mujhe yuunhi satao,
Melody khao khud jaan jao.........

Dharti so rahi hai, Aasman so raha hai
Dharti so rahi hai,Aasman so raha hai
Nonsense! yeh sab kya ho raha hai?

Mat pee sharab galib masjid mein baith kar
Ek hi botal hai, kahin khuda na mang le

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

**********************************************************************************************
Subject Software Parody

yeh document, yeh meetings, yeh features ki duniya,
yeh insaan ke dushman, long-hours ki duniya,
yeh deadlines ke bhooke, management ki duniya;
yeh Software agar ban bhi jaaye to kya hai ??

yahaan ek khilona hai programer ki hasti,
ye basti hai keval bug-fixers ki basti,
yahaan par to error se hai warning sasti,
yeh Review agar ho bhi jaaye to kya hai ??

har ek jism ghayal, har ek rooh pyaasi,
dimaagon mein uljhan, dilon mein udaasi,
yeh office hai ya aalame badhawaasi,
yeh Release agar ship ho bhi jaaye to kya hai ??

jalaa do ise, phoonk daalo yeh documents,
mere saamne se hataa lo yeh documents,
tumhaara hi tumhi sambhaalo yeh office,
yeh Software agar chal bhi jaaye to kya hai ?????

***************************************************************************************************

**********************************************************************************************
Subject could this be true !

Titanic

Of all tales of the supernatural, this one is perhaps the best
documented, the most disturbing and the most difficult to
explain ......

The Princess of Amen-Ra lived some 1,500 yrs b4 Christ .
When she died, she was laid in an ornate wooden coffin and
buried deep in a vault at Luxor, on the banks of the Nile . In
the late 1890s, 4 rich young Englishmen visiting the
excavations at Luxor were invited to buy an exquisitely
fashioned mummy case containing the remains of Princess
of Amen-Ra . They drew lots . The man who won paid
several thousand pounds and had the coffin taken to his
hotel . A few hours later, he was seen walking out towards
the desert . He never return . The next day, one of the
remaining 3 men was shot by an Egyptian servant
accidentally . His arm was so severely wounded it had to be
amputated . The 3rd man in the foursome found on his
return home that the bank holding his entire savings had
failed . The 4th guy suffered a severe illness, lost his job
and was reduced to selling matches in the street.

Nevertheless, the coffin reached England (causing other
misfortunes along the way), where it was bought by a
London businessman .

After 3 of his family members had been injured in a road
accident and his house damaged by fire, the businessman
donated it to the British Museum . As the coffin was being
unloaded from a truck in the museum courtyard, the truck
suddenly went into reverse and trapped a passer-by . Then
as the casket was being lifted up the stairs by 2 workmen, 1
fell and broke his leg . The other, apperently in perfect
health, died unaccountably two days later . Once the
Princess was installed in the Egyptian Rm, trouble really
started . Museum's night watchmen frequently heard frantic
hammering and sobbing fr the coffin . Other exhibits in the
rm were also often hurled about at night . One watchman
died on duty; causing the other watchmen wanting to quit .
Cleaners refused to go near the Princess too . When a
visitor derisively flicked a dustcloth at the face painted on
the coffin, his child died of measles soon afterwards .
Finally, the authorities had the mummy carried!
down to the basement . Figuring it could not do any harm
down there .

Within a wk, one of the helpers was seriously ill, and the
supervisor of the move was found dead on his desk .
By now, the papers had heard of it . A journalist
photographer took a pict of the mummy case and when he
developed it, the painting on the coffin was of a horrifying,
human face . The photographer was said to went home
then, locked his bedroom door and shot himself . Soon
afterwards, the museum sold the mummy to a private
collector. After continual misfortune (and deaths), the owner
banished it to the attic. A well known authority on the
occult, Madame Helena Blavatsky, visited the premises .
Upon entry, she was sized with a shivering fit and
searched the house for the source of "an evil influence of
incredible intensity" . She finally came to the attic and found
the mummy case . "Can you exorcise this evil spirit ?"
asked the owner . "There is no such thing as exorcism .
Evil remains evil forever . Nothing can be done about it . I
implore you to get rid of this evil as soon as possible ."
But no British museum would take the mummy; the fact that
almost 20 ppl had met with misfortune, disaster or death
from handling the casket, in barely 10 yrs, was now well
known . Eventually, a hard-headed American archaeologist
(who dismissed the happenings as quirks of circumstance),
paid a handsome price for the mummy and arranged for its
removal to New York . In Apr 1912, the new owner escorted
its treasure aboard a sparkling, new White Star liner about
to make its maiden voyage to New York . On the night of Apr
14, amid scenes of unprecedented horror, the Princess of
Amen-Ra accompanied 1,500 passengers to their deaths
at the bottom of the Atlantic. The name of the ship was
none other than "Titanic".

******************************************************************

**********************************************************************************************

Subject Diary of a Programmer -- Very true ()

DIARY OF AN UNKNOWN PROGRAMMER

700 Wake up. Decide to do some really path-breaking work today.
900 Reach office. Sign in. Switch on terminal.
905 Check mail.
915 Start replying to accumulated mail."I really hate being
popular."
940 Send mail to occupant of next to next cubicle. "Taking in the
new movie tonight ?"
945 Log into CyberSpace / M-Net / whatever.
950 Start searching. There must be some girls logged in.
1005 Ask a girl for a date.
1010 refusal!! Heartbroken.
1020 Recover equilibrium. Search for coffee. Anybody going to
cafetaria?
1050 Back at desk. Decide to really start working now.
1100 Realize that the required manual is in the library. Will have
to withdraw it.
1115 The spare library card was here somewhere. Where is it?
1130 Give up on library card search as a bad job. Of course I can
do the stuff without the manuals.
1245 Something written. Should get compiled.
1246 How can 40 lines of code give 283 lines of error? Must be some
typographical mistake. Will check it after lunch.
1315 The food was really good today. Why don't they make this item
a regular feature ?
1320 That was a really bright idea. Send a general mail to
campaign for inclusion of this item everyday for lunch.
1359 Did not include windows.h in the code. Now it should compile.
1400 It compiled in one shot. God, I'm a genius!
1401 RUN.
140101 GPF. (General Protection Failure)
1402 Stunned. What is the world coming to these days ?
1405 OK. Now the hard part comes. Do I debug the code or filch
somebody else's library card ?
1406 Looked over the cubicle. Chap in next cubicle has almost
completed his module. Homicidial thoughts.
1415 No, I should really do something about it. Start debugging
the code.
1745 Continuous GPFs. It would have been easier to kill the chap.
1750 Take a break. Recurrent daydream "Why are blonde girls so
pretty?"
1805 Start Netsurfing. Search for Sharon Stone.
1815 Found the location. Start downloading the pictures.
1820 No space. Save it in the server ?
1821 Do I dare to do it ? OK, what the hell, DO IT!!
1835 Start experimenting with fonts, cursors and prompts. God, I
was really made for this stuff !
1925 Where is everybody ? Finger !
1930 Time to pack up and go to the movie.
2350 Back from the movie. Consider today a day well spent. Long
live the I.T. industry!
000 Turn in for the night. Resolve to do some really
path-breaking Work tomorrow.

Ring any bells?

**********************************************************************************************

Subject Windows 98 Hindi Version

Bill Gates was in India a few days ago.
He announced that Microsoft plans to release a windows version in
Hindi.
Here are some Windows related terms that may be used in the Hindi
version
of...
Khidkiyan98

Phaail = File
Bachao = Save
Aise Bachao = Save as
Subko Bachao = Save All
Mujhe Bachao = Help
Dhoondo = Find
Firse Dhoondo = Find Again
Hilao = Move
= Mailer
Paas se dhekho = Zoom
Dhoor se dhekho = Zoom Out
Kholo = Open
Bandh Karo = Close
Naya = New
Khatara = Old
Badli Karo = Replace
Bhaago = Run
Chaapo = Print
Dekh Ke Chaapo = Print Preview
Kaapi = Copy
Kaato = Cut
Chipkao = Paste
Payshal Chipkao = Paste Special
Goli Maaro = Delete
Nazaara = View
Hatyaar = Tools
Hatyaar Khamba = Toolbar
Khuli Chaadar = Spreadsheet
Kalti Maaro = Exit
Ped = Tree
Thooso = Compress
Chooha = mouse
Tik Karo = Click
Tik-Tik Karo = Double Click
Idhar-se-Udhar.Udhar-se-Idhar = Scrollbar

Microsoft A Sure Fix

There are three engineers in a car an electrical engineer, a chemical
engineer, and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the
side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering
what could be wrong.

The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the
car
and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred.

The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests
that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked
somewhere.

Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything comes up
with a suggestion,
"Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in,
open the windows again, and maybe it'll work !?"

***************************************************************************************************
Technically Correct!

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical
malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation
and
communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot
could not
determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the
airport.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a
handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The
pilot's
sign said
"WHERE AM I?" in large letters.
People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew
a
large sign,
and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A
HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course
to
steer to
SEATAC airport, and landed safely.
After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the
"YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position.
The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building
because
they gave me a technically correct, but completely useless answer."

Subject Microsoft cars

Top Ten Things That Will Be Different When Microsoft Starts Building Cars.

10. The stereo system will only
be able to listen to Microsoft FM
and play Microsoft cassettes

9. Oil, gas, and temperature
gauges replaced by a single
"General Car Fault" warning
light

8. To turn on the air conditioner,
you'll have to shut the car down
for two minutes and restart it

7. Occasionally, your car will
stop and fail to restart, and
you'll have to reinstall the
engine to get it going again

6. When you call the service
department, they'll tell you it's
not their fault and blame it on
the company that made the tires

5. Before the airbag deploys, it
will ask "are you sure?"
4. To make right turns, you'll
have to upgrade to Microsoft
SteeringWheel 2.0

3. Apple will make a car that's
faster, more reliable, and easier
to drive...but it will only run on
five percent of the roads

2. If you can't afford to buy a new
car, you can just borrow one
from a friend and copy it

...and the number one thing
that'll be different when
microsoft starts building
cars...

If you're involved in a
crash...you'll have no idea why.

After a while American answers "Fix bugs in Windows-95 for smooth
transitions", Bill shouts "Get out of here...". The poor guy runs
out.

The Japanese says "Make Windows-96 more user friendly than
Windows-95" Bill Gates screams "get the hell out of here....".

Gates looks at Santa, Santa giggles and says
"RENAME Windows-95 Windows-96".
Gates says "Balle, Balle, You got the job"

***************************************

*************************************************************************************************

Some time ago I received a call from a colleague, who asked
if I would be the referee on the grading of an examination question.
He was about to give a student a zero for his answer to a physics
question, while the student claimed he should receive a perfect score
and would if the system were not set up against the student.

The instructor and the student agreed to an impartial arbiter, and
I was selected. I went to my colleague's office and read the
examination question Show how it is possible to determine the height
of a tall building with the aid of a barometer.

The student had answered Take the barometer to the top of the
building, attach a long rope to it, lower it to the street, and then
bring it up, measuring the length of the rope. The length of the rope
is the height of the building.

I pointed out that the student really had a strong case for full
credit since he had really answered the question completely and
correctly. On the other hand, if full credit were given, it could
well contribute to a high grade in his physics course. A high grade
is supposed to certify competence in physics, but the answer did not
confirm this. I suggested that the student have another try at
answering the question. I was not surprised that my colleague agreed,
but I was surprised when the student did.

I gave the student six minutes to answer the question with the
warning that the answer should show some knowledge of physics. At the
end of five minutes, he had not written anything. I asked if he wished
to give up, but he said no.. He had many answers to this problem; he
was just thinking of the best one. I excused myself for interrupting
him and asked him to please go on. In the next minute, he dashed off
his answer which read

Take the barometer to the top of the building and lean over the edge
of the roof. Drop the barometer, timing its fall with stopwatch.
Then, using the formula x=0.5*a*t^2, calculate the height of the
building.

At this point, I asked my colleague if he would give up. He
conceded, and gave the student almost full credit. In leaving my
colleague's office, I recalled that the student had said that he had
other answers to the problem, so I asked him what they were. Well,
said the student. there are many ways of getting the height of a tall
building with the aid of a barometer. For example, you could take the
barometer out on a sunny day and measure the height of the barometer,
the length of its shadow, and the length of the shadow of the
building, and by the use of simple proportion, determine the height of
the building.

Fine, I said, and others?
Yes, said the student. There is a very basic measurement method
you will like. In this method, you take the barometer and begin to
walk up the stairs. As you climb the stairs, you mark off the length
of the barometer along the wall. You then count the number of marks,
and this will give you the height of the building in barometer units.

A very direct method.

Of course. If you want a more sophisticated method, you can tie the
barometer to the end of a string, swing it as a pendulum, and
determine the value of g at the street level and at the top of the
building. From the difference between the two values of g, the
height of the building, in principle, can be calculated.

On this same tact, you could take the barometer to the top of the
building, attach a long rope to it, lower it to just above the street,
and then swing it as a pendulum. You could then calculate the height
of the building by the period of the precession .

Finally, he concluded, there are many other ways of solving the
problem. Probably the best, he said, is to take the barometer to
the basement and knock on the superintendent's door. When the
superintendent answers, you speak to him as follows 'Mr.
Superintendent, here is a fine barometer. If you will tell me the
height of the building, I will give you this barometer.'

At this point, I asked the student if he really did not know the
conventional answer to this question. He admitted that he did, but
said that he was fed up with high school and college instructors
trying to teach him how to think.

***************************************************************************************************

*************************************************************************************************

Subject Goodies!!

Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson are hiking. They hiked all day long
and then, having gotten tired, went to sleep in the tent. Holmes wakes
up deep at night, wakes Watson and says "Watson, do you see the bright stars and do you notice how clear the sky is?
What can you deduce from it?"
"Well, this clearly tells us the weather tomorrow is going to be
dry and sunny."
"No Watson, it's simplier it just means that somebody has stolen
our tent."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When a snail crossed tha road, he was run over by a turtlr.
Regaining consciousness in the emergency room, he was asked what caused
the accident. "I really cant remember," the snail replied. "You see,
it all happened so fast."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Overheard at the track "Horse racing is very romantic. The
horse hugs the rail, the jockey puts his arms around the horse, and you
kiss your money goodbye."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A professor asked a student to remain for a few moments after
class.
Holding out the young man's assignment, the professor said, "Did you
write this poem all by yourself?"
The student said, "Every word of it."
The professor said, "Well, then, I'm glad to meet you, Mr. Poe.
I thought you were long dead!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A male crab met a female crab and asked her to marry him. She
noticed that he was walking straight instead of sidewasy. Wow, She
thought, this crab is something special. I can't let him getaway. So they
got married immediately.
The next day she noticed her husband walking sideways like all
other crabs and got upset. "What happened?" she asked. "You used to
walk straight before we married."
"Oh, honey," he replied, "I cant drink that much everyday."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lenin is dying, and talking things over with Stalin, his
successor

"The one worry I have," says Lenin, "is this will the people
follow you? What do you think, comrade Stalin?"

"They will," says Stalin, "they surely will."

"I hope so," says Lenin, "but what if they don't follow you?"

"No problem," says Stalin, "then they'll follow you."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A dA runk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He
sat down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was
full of bright red lipstick and he had a half empty bottle of wine
sticking out of his pocket.

He opened his newspaper and started reading---a couple of
minutes later he asked the priest, "Father what causes arthritis"?

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked
women,
too much alcohol and contempt for your fellow man".

"Well I'll be damned", the drunk muttered and returned to reading
his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he said turned to the man and
apologized "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong---how
long have
you had arthritis"?

"I don't, father, I was just reading in the paper that the Pope
has it".

An attorney was cross-examining the coroner of a small town in the
mid-west in June of 1995. The names will remain hidden to protect
the
stupid.

The attorney asks, "Before you signed the death certificate, had
you
taken
the man's pulse?"

The coroner says, "No."

The lawyer then asks, "Did you listen for a heartbeat?"

"No" says the coroner.

"Did you check for breathing?"

Again, the coroner says, "No."

"So," the lawyer continues, "when you signed the death certificate,
you
had not taken any of the usual steps to make sure the man was dead,
had
you?"

The coroner, now tired of the browbeating, said "Well, let me put
it
this
way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all
I
know,
he could have been out there practicing law somewhere."

The resulting laughter by the folks in the courtroom was so loud
the
judge
had to hit his gavel several times though he was laughing as
well.....

Father "Did you children help your mother today ?"
First child "Yes, Daddy. I washed the dishes."
Father "Very good, Billy."
Second child "I dried them."
Father "Very good, Mary."
Third child "I picked up the pieces."
Father "....................."
(collapses)

----------------------------------
Q A guy walks into a pet store wanting to buy a talking bird. He
sees
a
parrot and says to the bird, "Hey, can you speak, Stupid?"

A And the bird replies, "Yes, can you fly, Dummy?"

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=
-=

This is little jonhy with a difference A Sunday School teacher
of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little
confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis
on
His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of
Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked
his
class, "Where is Jesus today?" Steven raised his hand and said, "He's
in
heaven." Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart." Little
Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's
in
our bathroom!!!" The whole class got very quiet, looked at the
teacher,
and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for
a
few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little
Johnny how he knew this. And Little Johnny said, "Well...every
morning,
my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus
Christ,
are you still in there?'!"

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Subject Joke

Judi goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her
boss concerned about all his employees well being asked
sympathetically, "What's the matter?"

To which the blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone
call saying that my mother had passed away."

The boss feeling very sorry at this point explains to the young
girl. "Why don't you go home for the day... we aren't terribly
busy just take the day off to relax and rest."

Judi very calmly states, "No.. I'd be better off here. I need to
keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing
that here."

The boss agrees and allows her to work as usual... "If you
need anything just let me know."

A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on Judi.
He looks out his office and sees her crying hysterically.

He rushes out to her asking, "What's so bad now? Are you
going to be ok? What's wrong?"

Judi breaks down in tears, "I just received a horrible call from
my sister. She said that *her* mom died too!!"

*****************************************************************************************

A lawyer is trying to call his clients. The phone rings and
their little boy, in a whisper, says, "Hello."

Lawyer "Is your mommy there?"
Boy (whisper) "Yes."

Lawyer "Can I speak with her?"
Boy (whisper) "She's busy."

L "Is your daddy there?"
B (whisper) "Yes."

L "Can I speak with him?"
B (whisper) "He's busy."

L "Is there anyone else there?"
B (whisper) "The fire department personal"

L "Can I talk to one of them?"
B (whisper) "They're busy."

L "Is there anybody ELSE there?"
B (whisper) "The police "

L "Well, can I talk to one of THEM?"
B (whisper) "They're busy."

L "Let me get this straight, your mother, father, the fire
department AND the police are ALL in your house, and
they're
ALL busy. WHAT are they doing?"

B (whisper) "They're looking for me."
________________________________________________________

Harry, Did you get the check I sent you ?
Yes, I got it twice - once from you and once from the bank.

The easiest way to make your old car run better, is to check
the
prices of a new car.

It's what people don't know about each other that makes them
such good freinds.

After all is said and done - where do the people in hell
tell one another to go ?

If you can't get a lawyer who knows the law, get one who
knows the judge

I get up at 6 a.m., no matter what time it is.

If a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. If a
woman talks dirty to man, it's $2.98 a minute.

Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding,
economical,

and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.

One woman's hobby is another woman's hubby.

________________________________________________________

A priest, seeing a blank signboard hanging on a lamppost wrote upon
it
"I pray for all."
A Solicitor wrote underneath "I plead for all."
A doctor added "I prescribe for all."
A simple citizen wrote "I pay for all."

--------------------------------------------------------

Wife u delivered an excellent speech.
Hubby Thanks dear, but the audience was full of fools & idiots.
Wife Is that why u addressed them as your brothers & sisters?

--------------------------------------------------------

After a dinner speech, the speaker scolded his secretary "Why did you
write
such a long speech for me? U saw how those people were feeling
bored!"
The
secretary replied, "Sir, it wasn't a lengthy speech at all; but I did
make
one mistake- I gave u all 3 copies of the speech."

--------------------------------------------------------

A Rotary visitor to Japan told a joke lasting 2 minutes.
The interpreter then translated using only a few words. Everyone
laughed.
Afterwards the visitor asked the interpreter how he translated such a
long
joke so quickly. "Well, I didn't think they would get the point, so I
said,
"Our guest has just told a joke. Everyone please laugh."

--------------------------------------------------------

A vampire bat flies back to his fellow vampires in the bat-cave with
a
bloody mouth. They stare at him jealously and ask him where he got
the
blood. In reply he asks them, "Did you see that tree back there?"
"Sure," they reply.
"Well I fucking didn't!"

-----------------------------------------------------------------
"I have good news and bad news," a defence attorney told his client.
"First the bad news. The blood test came back, and your DNA is an
exact
match with that found at the crime scene. You'll probably be
sentenced
to 25 years hard labour."
"Oh, no!" cried the client. "What good news could there possibly
be?"
"Your cholesterol is down to 140."
------------------------------------------------------------------

Penguins can jump as high as 6 feet in the air.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
A man walks into his Doctor's consulting room. He has a cucumber up
his
nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
"Whats the matter with me?" he asked.
"You're not eating properly." replied the Doctor.

Subject Very good set of jokes...

A man went to the doctor and told him that he had swallowed five
silver dollars about two years before.

The doctor was puzzled and asked, "If you swallowed them two years
ago, why are you just coming to me now?"

"It's this way, Doc," replied the man, "I never needed the money
before now."

***

Scientist #1 "I've found a liquid that will eat through
anything!"
Scientist #2 "That's great!"
Scientist #1 "Yeah, but for some reason I can't find
anything to hold it in..."

***

"Dad, can you write in darkness?"
"Oh yeah son! I used to do it in my college days."
"Well, I will switch off the lights. You can then sign report
card..."

***

Overheard "My great grandfather came to Canada seeking freedom.
It didn't work. My great grandmother came over on the very next
boat."

***

A waiter, with his thumb in the middle of a steak, set the plate
down in front of his customer.

"Are you crazy!?" yelled the customer. "I'm not eating this steak
after your thumb has been all over it!"

"I had to put my thumb there!" replied the waiter, "You wouldn't
want it to fall on the floor again, would you?"

***

A man went into a drug store and asked the pharmacist to give him
something for the hiccups. The pharmacist promptly reached out and
slapped the man's face.

"What did you do that for?" the man asked in a rage.
"Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore do you?"
The man said, "No, but my wife out in the car still does!"

***

An Australian farmer covered in blood was sitting on a stone near
his farm crying, when his neighbour passed by.

"What's wrong, Bruce?" asked the neighbour.
"I bought a new boomerang," the crying Bruce replied.
"So, why are you crying?" the neighbour asked.
"I can't throw the old one away!!"

***

A guy was in his back yard one day when he glanced over his fence
and saw his neighbour digging a hole. Being a friendly person, he
asked what the hole was for.

"My canary died, and I'm burying it," replied his neighbour.
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that," said the first guy, "but isn't that
a pretty big hole for your little canary?" he asked.

"Well, it's inside your blooming cat!" replied the neighbour.

***

Subject Very good set of jokes...

A man went to the doctor and told him that he had swallowed five
silver dollars about two years before.

The doctor was puzzled and asked, "If you swallowed them two years
ago, why are you just coming to me now?"

"It's this way, Doc," replied the man, "I never needed the money
before now."

***

Scientist #1 "I've found a liquid that will eat through
anything!"
Scientist #2 "That's great!"
Scientist #1 "Yeah, but for some reason I can't find
anything to hold it in..."

***

"Dad, can you write in darkness?"
"Oh yeah son! I used to do it in my college days."
"Well, I will switch off the lights. You can then sign report
card..."

***

Overheard "My great grandfather came to Canada seeking freedom.
It didn't work. My great grandmother came over on the very next
boat."

***

A waiter, with his thumb in the middle of a steak, set the plate
down in front of his customer.

"Are you crazy!?" yelled the customer. "I'm not eating this steak
after your thumb has been all over it!"

"I had to put my thumb there!" replied the waiter, "You wouldn't
want it to fall on the floor again, would you?"

***

A man went into a drug store and asked the pharmacist to give him
something for the hiccups. The pharmacist promptly reached out and
slapped the man's face.

"What did you do that for?" the man asked in a rage.
"Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore do you?"
The man said, "No, but my wife out in the car still does!"

***

An Australian farmer covered in blood was sitting on a stone near
his farm crying, when his neighbour passed by.

"What's wrong, Bruce?" asked the neighbour.
"I bought a new boomerang," the crying Bruce replied.
"So, why are you crying?" the neighbour asked.
"I can't throw the old one away!!"

***

A guy was in his back yard one day when he glanced over his fence
and saw his neighbour digging a hole. Being a friendly person, he
asked what the hole was for.

"My canary died, and I'm burying it," replied his neighbour.
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that," said the first guy, "but isn't that
a pretty big hole for your little canary?" he asked.

"Well, it's inside your blooming cat!" replied the neighbour.

***

Subject Good Ones friends.

A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a
workstation.......

Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men. The other 999 are
followers of
women.

Yes god created man before women, but you always create a draft before
the final masterpiece.

The teacher, during an English lesson, asked the students "Now tell
me what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no
longer
interested?"
A student in the back row replied "A Teacher".

Bank accounts are like toothpasteeasy to take out but hard to put
back

***********************************8

Look Busy
==========
A young businessman had just started his own firm. He'd rented a
beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he
saw a
man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear busy, the young
businessman
picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.
He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung
up and
asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"
The man said, "Sure. I've come to install the phone!"

-----------------------------------------------------

Mrs. Smith, a third grade teacher wanted the class to play a game where
one student starts drawing on the board, then one by one others add to it.

She thinks and decide not to start with Johnny, because he is so naughty
and always has some "unusual" pictures in mind.

So she starts with Anne.
Anne "This is our house".

/\
/ \
/ \
/ \
| |
| |
| |

Teacher "Good Anne!" and asked Peter to draw next
Peter "This is our house's door".

/\
/ \
/ \
/ \
| |
| _ |
| | | |
| |_| |

Teacher"Very good, Peter" and calls Mary
Mary "This is our house roof".

/\
/UU\
/ \
/ \
| |
| _ |
| | | |
| |_| |

Teacher"Very nice, Mary" and calls on Stevie
Stevie "And this is the sun over our house."

\|/
-O-
/|\
/\
/UU\
/ \
/ \
| |
| _ |
| | | |
| |_| |

Teacher"Very nice Stevie" and thinks there is not much damage that Johnny
can do with this picture and asked Johnny to come to the board.

Johnny "And this is my Dad, trying to pick up the soap
when he dropped it in the shower!!!

________
/ \
/ \|/ \
/ -O- \
| /|\ |
| /\ |
| /UU\ |
| / \ |
| / \ |
| | | |
| | _ | |
_| | | | | |_
(____| |_| |____)

*************************************************************************************************
Subject Lalloo in Theatre!

Ek baar laloo aagaye Bambai ma. Utre VT satesan pe. Sochat rahe ab kaa
kare. Meeeeting to agle hapte hot. Eee hapta kaisan jaat? "Chalo, tanik
satesan me se bahar to nikle", eee sochat soochat pahuch gaye bus istap pe.
chadh gaye ek buswa ma. sochat rahe "tanik seedi kis liye bhai?". To
conductor bol pade, "chalaa varti ja". To laloo chid gaye. "Are tanik hindi
ma baat karo angreji kahe bolat ho?". To conductor bole "itni bhi baat tu
samajhta nahi. Upar jane ke liye bol raha hoon". "aahaha", laloo bole,
"hamka gadhaa samjat ho ka? Upar direvar nahi na hai".

Ab laloo raat ko ka kare. Itne mote bistarwa par akele to neend nahina aati
hai! Chalo pacture chale. Bagal ma hi 'Solay' chalat rahi. Paanch rupiah
ki tikat leke laloo andar gaye. To sundar sundar Basanti dikh gayi laloo ko.
Baaye dekhe, daaye dekhi, dekhe sabhi picture ma mashgul rahat fauran ek
aakh mar di Basanti ko. Idhar Gabbar Singh biolat rahe "Basanti nacho". To
laloo sochat rahin "Eee pikchur hot ya tamaasa?" Do bara daye dekhe, baye
dekhe, Basanti ko aakh mar di. Ram janat kaun Biru bolat rahi "Basanti, in
kutton ke samne nahi naachna". Idhar laloo gusse se laal. "Ab laloo kutta
haikaa?" Usi dauran Jaidev pahuch rahi seen ma. Ghode pe sawar daudne lage.
To laloo pehali baar kursi chhod kar bhagne lage. To bagal wale muchhad
bolat "Are soo kare chhe?" To laloo bole "Tanik dekho, ee ghode isi taraf
daudat rahi". Muchhad bole, "Are soo baat kare chhe? Aa pikchur chhe". To
lallo bole, "Humka maloom hai pikchar hai, toka maaloom hai pikchar hai.
Ghode ka nahi na maaloom hai ki pikchar hai"!

*************************************************************************************************

*************************************************************************************************
Classic Collection from Anuja Narwadwar, Monica, Harkirat And Ashwini

Encouraging Stuff

Subject Trees.

Once upon a mountain top, three little trees stood and dreamed of what
they wanted to become when they grew up. The first little tree looked up
at the stars and said "I want to hold treasure. I want to be covered
with gold and filled with precious stones. I'll be the most beautiful
treasure chest in the world!"
The second little tree looked out at the small stream trickling by on
it's way to the ocean. "I want to be traveling mighty waters and
carrying powerful kings. I'll be the strongest ship in the world!"
The third little tree looked down into the valley below where busy men
and women worked in a busy town. "I don't want to leave the mountain top
at all. "
I want to grow so tall that when people stop to look at me, they'll
raise
their eyes to heaven and think of God. I will be the tallest tree in
the
world."
Years passed. The rain came, the sun shone, and the little trees grew
tall. One day three wodcutters climbed the mountain.
The first woodcutter looked at the first tree and said, "This tree is
beautiful. It is perfect for me." With a swoop of his shining axe, the
first tree fell.
"Now I shall be made into a beautiful chest, I shall hold wonderful
treasure!" The first tree said."
The second woodcutter looked at the second tree and said,This tree is
strong. It is perfect for me."
With a swoop of his shining axe, the second tree fell. "Now I shall sail
mighty waters!" thought the second tree. "I shall be a strong ship for
mighty kings!"
The third tree felt her heart sink when the last woodcutter looked her
way. She stood straight and tall and pointed bravely to heaven.
But the woodcutter never even looked up. "Any kind of tree will do for
me." He muttered. With a swoop of his shining axe, the third tree
fell.
The first tree rejoiced when the woodcutter brought her to a carpenter's
shop. But the carpenter fashioned the tree into a feedbox for animals.
The once beautiful tree was not covered with gold, nor with treasure.
She was coated with saw dust and filled with hay for hungry farm
animals.
The second tree smiled when the woodcutter took her to a shipyard, but
no
mighty sailing ship was made that day.
Instead the once strong tree was hammered and sawed into a simple
fishing
boat. She was too small and too weak to sail to an ocean, or even a
river; instead she was taken to a little lake.
The third tree was confused when the woodcutter cut her into strong
beams
and left her in a lumberyard. "What happened?" The once tall tree
wondered. "All I ever wanted was to stay on the mountain top and point
to God..."
Many many days and night passed. The three trees nearly forgot their
dreams.
But one night, golden starlight poured over the first tree as a young
woman placed her newborn baby in the feedbox.
"I wish I could make a cradle for him." her husband whispered The
mother
squeezed his hand and smiled as the starlight shone on the smooth and
the
sturdy wood. "This manger is beautiful." she said.
And suddenly the first tree knew he was holding the greatest treasure
in
the world.
One evening a tired traveler and his friends crowded into the old
fishing
boat. The traveler fell asleep as the second tree quietly sailed out
into the lake.
Soon a thundering and thrashing storm arose. The little tree shuddered.
She knew she did not have the strength to carry so many passengers
safely through with the wind and the rain.
The tired man awakened. He stood up, stretched out his hand, and said,
"Peace." The storm topped as quickly as it had begun.
And suddenly the second tree knew he was carrying the king of heaven
and
earth.
One Friday morning, the third tree was startled when her beam were
yanked
from the forgotten woodpile. She flinched as she was carried through
an
angry jeering crowd. She shuddered when soldiers nailed a man's hands to
her. She felt ugly and harsh and cruel.
But on Sunday morning, when the sun rose and the earth tremble with joy
beneath her, the third tree knew that God's love had changed
everything.
It had made the third tree strong. And every time people thought of the
third tree, they would think of God. That was better than being the
tallest tree in the world.
So next time you feel down because you didn't get what you want, just
sit tight and be happy because God is thinking of something better to
give you .............
It is not today's burdens that get to us.
Rather it is the regret of yesterdays and fear of tomorrows.
Regret and fear, two theives that steal away our today.
POEM-

-------------------------------------------------------------------
The pursuit of happiness is a matter of choice . . . .
. . . . not a matter of circumstances.
-------------------------------------------------------------------

*************************************************************************************************

Subject the cocoon!!!!!!!!!!!

The Cocoon

A man found a cocoon of an emperor moth. He took it
home so that he
could
watch the moth come out of the cocoon. On the day, a
small opening
appeared, he sat and watched the moth for several
hours as the moth
struggled to force its body through that little hole.
Then it seemed to
stop
making any progress. It appeared as if it had gotten
as far as it could
go
no farther. It just seemed to be stuck. Then the man,
in his kindness,
decided to help the moth, so he took a pair of
scissors and snipped off
the
remaining bit of the cocoon. The moth then emerged
easily. But it had a
swollen body and small, shriveled wings. The man
continued to watch the
moth
because he expected that, at any moment. the wings
would enlarge and
expand
to be able to support the body, which would contract
in time. Neither
happened! In fact, the little moth spent the rest of
its life crawling
around with a swollen body and shriveled wings. It
never was able to
fly.

What the man in his kindness and haste did not
understand was that the
restricting cocoon and the struggle required for the
moth to get
through the
tiny opening were a way of forcing fluid from the
body of the moth into
its
wings so that it would be ready for flight once it
achieved its freedom
from
the cocoon. Freedom and flight would only come after
the struggle.

By depriving the moth of a struggle, he deprived the
moth of health.
Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our
life. If we are
allowed
to go through our life without any obstacles, it
would cripple us. We
would
not be as strong as what we could have been.

********************************************

*************************************************************************************************

Subject Love story

Once upon a time, there was an island where all
the feelings lived

Happiness, Sadness, Knowledge, and all of others
including Love. However, one day it was announced
to them that the island would sink, so all
prepared their boats and left. Love was the only
one who stayed. Love wanted to stay until it
started sinking. When Love was almost sinkng, he
decided to ask for help.

Richness was passing by Love in a beautiful boat.
Love said, "Richness, can you take me with you?"
Richness answered, "No, I can't. There are a lot
of gold and silver in my boat. There is no place
here for you."

Love decided to ask Vanity who was also passing by,
"Vanity, please help me!" "I can't help you Love.
You are all wet and can probably damage my boat,"
Vanity answered.

Sadness was close by so Love asked for help,
"Sadness, let me go with you." "Oh...Love, I am so
sad that I prefer to go alone!"

Happiness passed by Love too, but she was so happy
that she did not listen when Love called her!

Suddenly, there was a voice, "Come Love, I will take
you." It was an elderly. Love became very happy that
he even forgot to ask the name of the elderly. When
they arrived to the other side , Love asked Knowledge
who was the elderly. "It was Time." "Time? But why
did Time help me?" "Because only Time is capable
understanding such a great Love."

P.S Time is capable of solving anything. Things today
may not have a solution but tomorrow you will find one!

***************************************************************************************************

*************************************************************************************************
Subject FW Good One about India

If you are late for work in Mumbai and reach the station just as the
train
is leaving the platform, don't despair. You can run up to the packed
compartments and find many hands unfolding like petals to pull you on
board.
And while you will probably have to hang on to the door frame with your
fingertips, you are still grateful for the empathy of your fellow
passenger,
already packed tighter than cattle, their shirts drenched with sweat in
the
badly ventilated compartment. They know that your boss might yell at you
or
cut your pay if you miss this train. And at the moment of contact, they do
not know if the hand reaching for theirs belongs to a Hindu or a Muslim or a Christian or a Brahmin or an Untouchable. Come on Board, they say. We'll
adjust.

****************************************************************************************

*************************************************************************************************
Subject Some respite from GEMS..

"THE PRESENT"

Don't undermine your worth by comparing yourself with others. It is
because we are different that each of us is special. Don't set your
goals by what other people deem important. Only you know what is best
for you.

Don't take for granted the things closest to your heart. Cling to them
as they would your life, for without them, life is meaningless.

Don't let your life slip through your fingers by living in the past or
for the future. By living your life one day at a time, you live all
the days of your life.

Don't give up when you still have something to give. Nothing is really
over until the moment you stop trying.

Don't be afraid to admit that you are less than perfect. It is this
fragile thread that binds us each together.

Don't be afraid to encounter risks. It is by taking chances that we
learn how to be brave.

Don't shut love out of your life by saying it's impossible to find.
The quickest way to receive love is to give; The fastest way to lose
love is to hold it too tightly; And the best way to keep love is to
give it wings.

Don't dismiss your dreams. To be without dream is to be without hope;
To be without hope is to be without purpose.

Don't run through life so fast that you forget Not only where you've
been, but also where you are going.Life is not a race, but a journey
to be savoured each step of the way.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Yesterday is History
Tomorrow is a Mystery
And Today?
Today is a gift
that's why we call it "The Present"
DEDICATE "THE PRESENT" TO SOMEONE OTHER THAN YOURSELF....AND THEN LIFE
WILL BE MUCH MUCH MUCH BETTER THAN YOU YOU REALLY THINK IT TO BE!!!!!!

```````````````````````````````````````````````````````````

*************************************************************************************************
INSTRUCTIONS FOR LIFE

1. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
2. Memorize your favorite poem.
3. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you
want.
4. When you say, "I love you", mean it.
5. When you say, "I'm sorry", look the person in the eye.
6. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
7. Believe in love at first sight.
8. Never laugh at anyone's dreams.
9. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the
only
way to
live life completely.
10. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.
11. Don't judge people by their relatives.
12. Talk slow but think quick.
13. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile
and
ask,
"Why do you want to know?".
14. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great
risk.
15. Call your mom.
16. Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.
17. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
18. Remember the three R's Respect for self; Respect for others;
Responsibility for all your actions.
19. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
20. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to
correct
it.
21. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your
voice.
22. Marry a man you love to talk to. As you get older, his
conversational
skills will be as important as any other.
23. Spend some time alone.
24. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.+-9*
25. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
26. Read more books and watch less TV.
27. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think
back,
you'll get to enjoy it a second time.
28. Trust in God but lock your car.
29. A loving atmosphere in your home is so important. Do all you
can to
create
a tranquil harmonious home.
30. In disagreements with loved ones, deal with the current
situation.
Don't
bring up the past.
31. Read between the lines.
32. Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality.
33. Be gentle with the earth.
34. Pray -- there's immeasurable power in it.
35. Never interrupt when you are being flattered.
36. Mind your own business.
37. Don't trust a man who doesn't close his eyes when you kiss him.
38. Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.
39. If you make a lot of money, put it to use helping others while
you
are
living. That is wealth's greatest satisfaction.
40. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a stroke of
luck.
41. Learn the rules then break some.
42. Remember that the best relationship is one where your love for
each
other
is greater than your need for each other.
43. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
44. Remember that your character is your destiny.
45. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.

Send this to at least 5 people and your life will improve

0-5 people- You could possibly enjoy a week of satisfaction. (If
you're
lucky)
6-10 people- Your life will improve slightly.
16-20 people- You will have at least 5 surprises in the next 3 weeks.
21 and above- Your life will improve drastically and everything you
ever
dreamed of will begin to take shape.

*************************************************************************************************

ABOUT FRIENDS .......

There is a difference between being an acquiantence and being a friend.
First, an acquaintence is someone whose name you know, who you see every
now and then, who you probably have something in common with and who
you feel comfortable around.
It's a person that you can invite to your home and share things with.
But they are people who you wouldn't share your life with, whose actions
sometimes you don't understand because you don't know enough about them..

On the other hand, a friend is someone you love. Not that you are "in
love" with them, but you care about them and you think about them when
they are not there. The people you are reminded of when you see something
they might like, and you know this because you know them so well. They
are the people whose pictures you have and whose faces are in your head
regardless. They are the people you see in your mind when you hear a song
on the radio because they made you go up to the person they like and ask
them to dance with them, or maybe YOU danced with them, maybe they stepped
on your toes, or just put their head on your shoulder. They are the
people you feel safe around because you know they care about you. They
call just to see how you are doing, because a friend doesn't need an
excuse. They tell you the truth, the first time, and you do the same.
You know that if you have a problem, they are there to listen.
They are the people who won't laugh at you or hurt you, and if they do
hurt you they try hard to make it up to you. They are the people you
love, regardless of whether you realize it. They are the people you cried
with when you got rejected from colleges and during the last song at prom
and at graduation. They are the people that when you hug them, you don't
think about how long to hug and who's going to be the first one to let go.
Maybe they are the people that hold the rings at your wedding, or maybe
they are the people that give you away at your wedding, or maybe they are
the people you marry. They are certainly the people that cry at your
wedding because they are happy or because they are proud or because they
are so in love. They are the people who stop you from making mistakes and
help you when you do. They are the people whose hand you can hold, or you
can hug or give them a kiss and not have it be awkward because they
understand the things you do and they love you for them.

They stick with you and stand by you.
They hold your hand.
They watch you live and you watch them live and you learn from them.
Your life is not the same without them.
These are your friends.

POEMS WORTH READING
***************************************************************************************************

*************************************************************************************************
Its up to you

One song can spark a moment,
One flower can wake the dream.
One tree can start a forest,
One bird can herald spring.

One smile begins a friendship,
One handclasp lifts a soul.
One star can guide a ship at sea,
One word can frame the goal.

One vote can change the nation,
One sunbeam lights a room.
One candle wipes out darkness,
One laugh will conquer gloom.

One step must start each journey,
One word must start each prayer.
One hope will reise our spirits,
One touch can show you care.

One voice can speak with wisdom,
One heart can know what's true.
One life can make the difference,
YOu see, it's up to you!

***************************************************************************************************

*************************************************************************************************

Ctrl, Alt, and Delete
(Author Unknown)

Don't you wish when life is bad
and things just don't compute,
That all we really had to do
was stop and hit reboot?

Things would all turn out ok,
life could be so sweet
If we had those special keys
Ctrl, Alt, and Delete

Your boss is mad, your bills not paid,
your wife, well she's just mute
Just stop and hit those wonderful keys
that make it all reboot

You'd like to have another job
but you fear living in the street?
You solve it all and start anew,
Ctrl, Alt, and Delete

***************************************************************************************************

*************************************************************************************************
Subject Who's Indespensable?

WHO'S INDESPENSABLE ?
-----------------------

Sometimes when you are feeling important,
Sometimes when your ego is in bloom,
Sometimes when you take it for granted,
You're the best qualified in the room.

Sometimes when you feel that your going,
Will leave an unfillable hole,
Just follow this simple instruction,
And see how it humbles your soul.

Take a bucket and fill it with water,
Put your hand in it up to the wrist,
Pull it out, and the hole that's remaining,
Is the measure of "how" you'll be missed.

You may splash all you please when you enter,
You can stir up the water galore,
But stop, and you'll find in a minute,
That it looks the same as before.

The moral of this quaint example ,
Is do just the best you can,
Be proud of yourself but remember,
There's no indispensable man!

*************************************************************************************************
Subject DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN

DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN.......
A Computer Was Something On Tv
From A Science Fiction Show
A Window Was Something You Hated To Clean....
And Ram Was The Cousin Of A Goat.....
Meg Was The Name Of My Girlfriend
And Gig Was Your Thumb Upright
Now They All Mean Different Things
And That Mega Bytes
An Application Was For Employment
A Program Was A Tv Show
A Cursor Used Profanity
A Keyboard Was A Piano
Compress Was Something You Did To The Garbage
Not Something You Did To A File
And If You Unzipped Anything In Public
You'd Be In Jail For A While
Log On Was Adding Wood To The Fire
Hard Drive Was A Long Trip On The Road
A Mouse Pad Was Where A Mouse Lived
And A Backup Happened To Your Commode
Cut You Did With A Pocket Knife
Paste You Did With Glue
A Web Was A Spider's Home
And A Virus Was The Flu
I Guess I'll Stick To My Pad And Paper
And The Memory In My Head
I Hear Nobody's Been Killed In A Computer Crash
But, When It Happens They Wish They Were Dead

*************************************************************************************************

Subject invisible friends!!!
Friends Without Faces

We sit and we type, and we stare at our screens
We all have to wonder, what this possibly means.

With our mouse we roam, through the rooms in a
maze
Looking for something or someone, as we sit in
a daze.

We chat with each other, we type all our woes
Small groups we do form, and gang up on our foes.

We wait for somebody, to type out our name
We want recognition, but it is always the same.

We give kisses and hugs, and sometimes flirt
In MACT/CAMPION/HFC/ST. JOSEPH we chat deeply, and reveal why we hurt.

We do form friendships - but - why we don't know
But some of these friendships, will flourish
and grow.

Why is it on screen, we can be so bold
Telling our secrets, that have never been told.

Why is it we share, the thoughts in our mind
With those we can't see, as though we were blind.

The answer is simple, it is as clear as a bell.
We all have our problems, and need someone to
tell.

We can't tell real people, but tell someone we
must
So we turn to the 'puter, and to those we can
trust.

Even though it is crazy, the truth still remains
They are Friends Without Faces, and odd little
names.

Take this week to have fun and be sure to let
those "friends
without faces" know how much you appreciate
them.
Happy Online Friendship Week!

Pass this on to all your friends, and let them
know that you care.

*************************************************************************************************
Why did the chicken cross the road?

KINDERGARTEN TEACHER To get to the other side.

PLATO For the greater good.

ARISTOTLE It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

KARL MARX It was a historical inevitability.

TIMOTHY LEARY Because that's the only trip the establishment
would
let it take.

SADDAM HUSSEIN This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and
we were
justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

JACK NICHOLSON 'cause it f___ing wanted to. That's the
f___ing
reason.

RONALD REAGAN I forget.

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK To boldly go where no chicken has gone
before.

HIPPOCRATES Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.

ARTHUR ANDERSEN CONSULTANT Deregulation of the chicken's
side of the
road was threatening its dominant market position. The
chicken was
faced with significant challenges to create and develop the
competencies required for the newly competitive market.
Andersen
Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client,
helped the
chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and
implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model
(PIM),
Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies,
knowledge,
capital and experiences to align the chicken's people,
processes and
technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program

Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse
cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with
Anderson
consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to
engage
in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their
personal
knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them
to
synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit
goals of
delivering and successfully architecting and
implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the
continuum of
poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a
park-like
setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which
was
strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a
consistent,
clear, and unified market message and aligned with the
chicken's
mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards
the
creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen
Consulting
helped the chicken change to become more successful.

LOUIS FARRAKHAN The road, you see, represents the black man.
The
chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and
keep him
down.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR. I envision a world where all
chickens will
be free to cross roads without having their motives being
called into
question.

MOSES And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto
the
chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed
the
road, and there was much rejoicing.

FOX MULDER You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How
many
more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?

RICHARD M. NIXON The chicken did not cross the road. I
repeat, the
chicken did NOT cross the road.

MACHIAVELLI The point is that the chicken crossed the road.
Who
cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever
motive there was.

JERRY SEINFELD Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why
doesn't
anyone ever think to ask, What the heck was this chicken doing
walking
around all over the place, anyway?"

FREUD The fact that you are at all concerned that the
chicken
crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000,
which
will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your
important
documents, and balance your checkbook.

OLIVER STONE The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross
the
road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same
time,
whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken
crossing?"

DARWIN Chickens, over great periods of time, have been
naturally
selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed
to cross
roads.

EINSTEIN Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road
moved
beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

BUDDHA Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.

RALPH WALDO EMERSON The chicken did not cross the road .. it

transcended it.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY To die. In the rain.

COLONEL SANDERS I missed one?

*************************************************************************************************
Two Cows

FEUDALISM
You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

PURE SOCIALISM
You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn
with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The
government gives you as much milk as you need.

BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM
You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn
with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex- chicken farmers.
You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the
chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as many eggs
as the regulations say you should need.

FASCISM
You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of
them, and sells you the milk.

PURE COMMUNISM
You have two cows. Your neighbours help you take care of them, and you
all share the milk.

RUSSIAN COMMUNISM
You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government
takes all the milk.

DICTATORSHIP
You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY
You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed
farm animals in an apartment.

MILITARIANISM
You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

PURE DEMOCRACY
You have two cows. Your neighbours decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY
You have two cows. Your neighbours pick someone to tell you who gets the
milk.

AMERICAN DEMOCRACY
The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After
the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures.
The press dubs the affair "Cowgate".

BRITISH DEMOCRACY
You have two cows. You feed them sheep's' brains and they go mad. The
government doesn't do anything.

BUREAUCRACY
You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed
them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them.
After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk
down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for
the missing cows.

ANARCHY
You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your
neighbours try to kill you and take the cows.

CAPITALISM
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

HONG KONG CAPITALISM
You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly-listed
company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the
bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with associated general offer so
that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five
cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian
intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority
shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the
listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows,
with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the
fung shui is bad..

ENVIRONMENTALISM
You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.

FEMINISM
You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.

TOTALITARIANISM
You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever
existed. Milk is banned.

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS
You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the
phallo-centric, war-mongering, intolerant past) two differently-aged
(but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.

COUNTER CULTURE
Wow, dude, there's like... these two cows, man. You got to have some of
this milk.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica
lessons.

*************************************************************************************************

Subject let's be friends!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Let's know about each other more as friends.

You As A Friend
****************

Aries Your friendship must be warm and on the
level. Let me put it this way.
You are a fine friend and a formidable foe. With
Aries, things are never done
by halves. Aries expects total devotion and sincerity
in friendship. In turn,
he/she extends a loving and strong hand.

***********************************************************************

Taurus A good friend, though not a particularly
brilliant one. Many times,
family members and close relatives end up as friends.
Yes, a Taurean can give
himself/herself freely with time, and money, and
practical advise. The Taurean
likes friends, to be happy and in comfort. The
Taurean hates to lose a friend,
as the attachment is strong, and will often go out of
the way to maintain a
relationship. Taurean can be patient, persuasive,
persistent with friends.

***********************************************************************

Gemini An amusing friend and according to me a
good one. Gemini can return
love, responds beautifully to a little appreciation.
Gemini often feels -- but
wrongly so -- that others don't do enough for
him/her. Young at heart, you
could be the life of a group. Whatever others might
say about you, I do
maintain that you excel in human relationships.

***********************************************************************

Cancer Your loyalty and attachments to people
make you a friend worth his
or her weight in gold. However, see that you do not
expect too much out of
friendship. Always ready to give, you are likely to
be bitterly disappointed
when friends do not live up to your own image of them
.However, you will
seldom cut your friendship ties and do much more for
friends than they did for
you. A good, solid friend |

************************************************************************

Leo As a friend you are worth your weight in pure
gold. Leo is a mighty
good friend. He/She does not ditch people. Leo is
very warm hearted and
sincere. Your idealism and romanticism comes through
very strongly here.
Blessed is the person who has a Leo friend.

************************************************************************

Virgo Understand, Virgo, that yours is a sign of
service and communal
living. It is a humane sign. Therefore, you need
friends, though you may
acknowledge it. In friendship, Virgo is at his best.
Virgo may not be a hearty
type. But Virgo will be steady and extremely reliable
as a friend. Whatever
advice and suggestions Virgo gives will be practical
and to the point. Virgo
hates to break off any relationship. A Virgo friend
is a solid friend. He/She
is worth the price in platinum.

************************************************************************

Libra You can give good advice to a friend and
any friend who follows up
will never come to grief. But if you expect Libra to
give the heart also ,you
could be disillusioned. This does not mean that Libra
is cold. It only means
that you Librans can often appear detached,though you
are extremely caring, sensitive and love people . You
can be a good friend. Libra is excellent
company. Libra has finesse and grace. Let me say,
Libra is the lubricant in
all human relationship.

*********************************************************************

Scorpio There's explosive element here, pure
dynamite, if you ask me.
However good friend you may be -- and you are good --
do not be secretive and
wear a mask. Yes ,you are discriminative in
friendship and psychologically
speaking, a disturbed family background,sometimes
tragically so, is
responsible for it. In friendships, you are intensely
loyal.Though you do and
can appear detached, you are ultra-sensitive,
specially in pride and
self-respect. You are a little too over-bearing,
never a happy ground for a
stable friendship. Secrets will be well kept. Do not
attach too much
importance to minor lapses on the part of friends.
You could be betrayed,
resulting in a complete severing of all ties.

************************************************************************

Sagittarius Generous to a fault and very helpful,
you evidently make a
good friend. If friends follow your advise they will
be happy. Yes, you can
guide them very well. Your intuition comes into full
play in friendship. You
will do more for them than they do for you. Even if
your friends fail you --
and many of them will -- there will be no resentment
and hatred. But your own
prejudices will blind you on many occasions. With
Sagittarius likes and
dislikes are intense.

************************************************************************

Capricorn Once the initial hurdles are crossed,
you will prove to be the
old faithful. See that snobbery does not come into
the way of true friendship.
While you may not be very tactful and polished in
your manners and talk, you
won't fail a friend in an emergency. Try to reach out
more, please.

*********************************************************************

Aquarius Aquarians can be better counselors than
friends. The reason is
that, though emotionally involved, they can think
clearly and visualize
situations and problems creatively. As yours is the
sign of friendship, I do
predict that your friends will receive both warmth
and guidance from you.

************************************************************************

Pisces A good friend ,humane, understanding, if
slightly unconventional.
Yes, you can understand a person intuitively, help
him without a show of
exuberance. The friendship may have an unworldly
touch about it. But your
advise should be worth following. A word of warning.
Do not expect the
impossible here. People have feet of clay and so, I
am afraid , do you.
Accept them for what they are worth, and let not
idealism crowd judgement.
our innate grace and diplomacy could help save an
unpleasant situation.

*************************************************************************************************

Subject Your day of Birth

You fall on which day of the month ?

Your Day of Birth in Numerology

The day of the month on which the you were born - regardless of
which
month or year it is - is a key numerological indicator, providing
an
excellent "thumbnail sketch" of standout traits. It strongly
influences
your Life Path and is helpful in choosing your vocation, since it
carries its greatest influence between approximately your 28th and
56th
birthdays. This is one of the four most important numbers in a
chart,
the others being the Soul Urge, Expression and the Life Path. You
may
find that you vibrate to one or more of these numbers, i.e., feel a
particular draw to them without consciously knowing why.

1st Day of the Month

A birthday on the first day of the month means that you have a
strong
will, are self-reliant and independent. People may say you "think
too
much," because you like to plan but not to actually build.
Similarly,
you're better at diagnosing what's wrong than prescribing a remedy.
You
have a good mind and like to reason things out. Practical and
idealistic
at the same time, you refer most things to your head rather than to
your
heart. As a result, although you are capable of great affection,you
are
not usually demonstrative of it. In spite of all your independence
you
are very sensitive and need positive feedback and encouragement.
You
possess a great deal of unexpressed power.

2nd Day of the Month

A birthday on the second day of the month indicates that you are
highly
emotional and very sensitive to your environment. Somewhat nervous
and
forgetful, you make friends easily and they have great fondness for
you.
You're warm hearted and need demonstrated affection, so you like
people
to make a fuss over you. It's important that you avoid mood swings
and
anything that depresses you. While you like material comfort, you
aren't
always willing to make the effort to get it. Your talent for rhythm
can
be expressed in writing poetry or music.

3rd Day of the Month

A birthday on the third day of the month indicates that you have
great
vitality and can quickly recover from illness. Your vivid
imagination
enables you to make a good story out of the smallest event.You have
innate critical and literary abilities, and need a variety of
interests
to keep you busy. Intense and extreme in your affections, you have
great
emotional crises from which you recover quickly. You're a social
animal,
expressive in public and at your top form in front of an audience.
Although you are restless, you are also easily satisfied and able
to
make the best of conditions.

4th Day of the Month

A birthday on the fourth day of the month indicates a four-square
individual, a lover of nature, home, family and country. You are
most
likely to be successful in manufacturing, building, utilities,
textiles
- any occupation connected with the products of the earth.
Music,painting or sculpting offer relaxing sidelines, although you
could
commercialize any of these as well. You're rather set in your ideas
and
tend to impose them on others, seeing yourself as the final arbiter
of
good manners and correct ethics. Your belief in discipline makes it
hard
for you to express your feelings, and as a result you suffer a
great
deal emotionally. When it comes to work, you drive yourself
tirelessly
-- and, unfortunately,everyone else, too. You have a decided
tendency
to
overwork and if need be should schedule time for recreation.

5th Day of the Month

A birthday on the fifth day of the month indicates that you are
adaptable, enthusiastic and somewhat boastful. You have a fine mind
and
active imagination, and love to serve up your stories with all the
trimmings. A lover of life, hale fellow well met, you're excellent
company and keep things moving rapidly. Yours is a life filled with
all
sorts of new experiences and constant change. Although you are the
type
who refuses to be tied down by anything, you are the "marrying
kind."
You have a good singing and speaking voice.

6th Day of the Month

A birthday on the sixth day of the month indicates a love nature.
You
bloom with praise and appreciation, but wilt in the face of
criticism.
When involved in a relationship you lavish your affection on your
beloved - at least for as long as the relationship lasts. The 6
seeks
perfection and seldom finds it, so it looks elsewhere. Following
such a
course will earn you a reputation for being untrustworthy. You love
children but don't have to have your own to be happy. Even though
you
are well protected, you worry constantly about not having enough
money.
Mental rather than intellectual, you have natural acting abilities
that
can help you succeed on the stage or in business. You have literary
and
artistic tendencies,and can attract the money or backing you need.
The
one area in which you are not talented is mechanics. Having people
around you in a harmonious atmosphere is essential to your well
being.

7th Day of the Month

A birthday on the seventh day of the month indicates a specialist,
one
with a keen mind capable of deep mental analysis. You shouldn't
gamble
or speculate; on the contrary, you must closely examine every
detail of
any enterprise before becoming involved in it. Strongly intuitive
if
not
psychic, you should never take advice that goes against your
"gutfeelings." You must WAIT for what you want rather than
aggressively
seek it, for what you long for comes to you only if it is not
actively
sought. You have talent for stringed instruments (including the
piano)
and the organ, as well as excellent judgment in money matters. Your
opinions are firm and you don't like to change them; moreover,
physical
adjustments are not easy for you and you tend to be a loner, all of
which makes marriage difficult. Spend a portion of each day alone
to
relax and meditate.

8th Day of the Month

A birthday on the eighth day of the month indicates a creative,
productive individual with natural business acumen. Progressive and
expansive, you deal well in matters of general or public
interests,but
should avoid equal partnerships because you need to be in a
position to
make the final decisions. Large businesses, corporations or
governmentare your bailiwick, in any of which you must express
honesty
and integrity in order to be permanently successful. More fond of
books
than you are of reading, you're inclined toward large gestures; if
you
have it, you give great sums of money to institutions or charities.
You
are somewhat ostentatious and want your family to be a credit to
you.

9th Day of the Month

A birthday on the ninth day of the month indicates publicity,
distribution, art, broadmindedness and philanthropy (defined in The
Wizard of Oz as "good deed doing"). You're interested in
metaphysics
and
relate them to what's going on in the world. Literary, artistic and
strong willed, you're a natural ruler who can succeed in almost
anything
artistic, as well as writing, teaching, law, publishing or the
ministry.
You need a broad education so that you can better choose your
profession. You belong both in and to the world, making it
difficult
for
you to lead a purely personal life successfully. Marriage during
the
middle portion of your life is likely to end, through death,
divorce or
some other separation, though the love may remain intact. Yours is
a
life filled with long journeys and many changes.

10th Day of the Month

A birthday on the tenth day of the month indicates a person with
many
interests, capable of doing several things at the same time. Many
others
depend on you but few offer help, so you may feel rather isolated
and
alone. You have a good mind and strong will, and are an adept
promoter
of things you believe in. When it comes to friends and possessions
(which you may regard in the same light) you are quite jealous and
exclusive -you do not share either. Your creative talent is best
expressed in the business world, but art, particularly music or
painting, is a fulfilling sideline. Hospitable but not domestic,
you
don't like to be burdened with the details of maintaining a home.
Your
vitality enables you to quickly recover from physical and emotional
ills.

11th Day of the Month

A birthday on the eleventh day of the month indicates an inspired,
imaginative individual with determination and perseverance, but
with
fluctuating levels of energy. In keeping with this master
vibration,you
are very dramatic in both thought and action, brilliant,
scintillating,but nervous and high strung. You react quickly -
shoot
from the hip - and need to be careful that your intellect doesn't
bury
your intuition. There's a tendency for you to impose your own moral
code
on others and not allow for human frailty. Your passions are
intense,
extreme and without reason; in fact, you are a person of extremes
all
around, in the clouds one minute,in the pits the next. In reacting
to
these extremes, take care not to overcorrect. Guard your health and
nerves, and avoid any tendency to be mercenary, acquisitive or
self-aggrandizing.

12th Day of the Month

A birthday on the twelfth day of the month indicates a brilliant,
magnetic, imaginative person, a good speaker who can be very
convincing
in an argument. Since you have a well balanced mind, artistic
tendencies
and enjoy life and action, you could succeed as a trial lawyer,
actor
or
in sales/advertising. Your high ideals demand that you have
a"mission"
in life. You need to keep intellectually active to avoid the ups
and
downs that are the handicap of all 3's. Your flair for design would
serve you well in architecture or interior decorating. Flirtatious
and
inclined toward affairs, you need to finish what you start and
avoid
the
tendency to scatter.

13th Day of the Month

A birthday on the thirteenth day of the month indicates a riddle
inside
a contradiction, creativity, expansion and restlessness(1+3) behind
regularity and limitation (4). You are sensitive and spiritual,
suffer
through your environment, and are given to explosions of temper.
Your
good mind is offset by an exceptionally stubborn will, and while
you
have a strong love nature, you seldom show it and then suffer
because
of
it. Often misunderstood, you are considered temperamental and at
times
unreasonable, and while you are inclined to be dictatorial, you are
an
excellent manager. Your best success is in dealing with the earth -
mining, geology, practical construction. A walking dichotomy, you
love
a
uniform but hate war. Home is essential to your happiness.

14th Day of the Month

A birthday on the fourteenth day of the month indicates a versatile
and
dual person with both a reasoning and a prophetic mind. "Lucky" in
games
of chance and contests, you're a natural bettor and gambler. Your
success lies in business on a large scale, but you need some form
of
artistic expression for recreation and to "let off steam." Very
emotional, you can always be appealed to through your feelings and
sympathies. You are apt to crave constant change, and should avoid
all
of the pitfalls associated with the physical - drugs, alcohol,
promiscuity and other sexual excess. You can be a bridge between
the
physical and spiritual worlds, and have great constructive or
destructive power - as you choose.

15th Day of the Month

A birthday on the fifteenth day of the month indicates a gifted
person
under the protection of the kindly, harmonious six who absorbs
knowledge
rather than acquires it through hard study. In fact, you attract
many
things - friends, gifts, money, opportunities, and give the
impression
of youthfulness and good health. You're capable of much
self-sacrifice
for a good cause or to help a friend, but you will not submit to
domination. Your mind is scientific but your expession is often
musical;
although your success lies in a professional career, music plays a
pivotal role throughout your life. You love your home, and while
you
are
demonstrative and generous, you are more inclined toward individual
acts
of charity than to institutional philanthropy.

16th Day of the Month

A birthday on the sixteenth day of the month indicates a nervous
and
sometimes irritable person who makes complications and intricacies
and
then suffers the consequences. Naturally aloof, you nonetheless
lean
toward home and affection. Though you can suceed in art or
literature,
your powers of reason and analysis demand a business outlet as
well.
While not actively aggressive, you don't like your plans interfered
with. You tend to put off until whenever the things you know you
should
be doing right now, and live too much within yourself. As much as
you
want affection, you don't always make the effort to earn it.

17th Day of the Month

A birthday on the seventeenth day of the month indicates a high
minded,
proud spirited individual, sometimes liberal, sometimes
conservative,
generous or stingy, collecting or dissipating. Very set in your
ideas,
you seldom yield to others; in business you do best at the head of
the
enterprise, working with under-partners. You execute whatever you
do,
have a particular talent for managing the interests and affairs of
others, and are drawn to dealing in large affairs. The details are
for
someone else to take care of, since you hate to be bothered with
them.
You can be successful in any enterprise connected with the earth
(e.g.,
land, mining, oil, livestock), as well as writing, though you are
more
inclined to technical or historical writing than to fiction. You
love
knowledge and like to explore. When it comes to spiritual matters,
you
want proof.

18th Day of the Month

A birthday on the eighteenth day of the month indicates a person
whose
life is filled with change, activity and travel. You may find
yourself
responsible for the care of groups or communities that will tap
your
fund of helpfulness. Much is expected of you because much has been
given
to you The independence of the 1 and the efficiency of the 8,
manifesting to mankind through the 9. Since you don't like to take
advice, it's as well that you rarely need it. You're drawn to any
large
field in need of efficient administration (e.g., law, politics,
religion), and although your first efforts may not always succeed,
you
do succeed on repetition - so try, try again. Somewhat emotional,
you
are nonetheless intellectual and enjoy both reasoning and arguing.
These
traits equip you well as a drama critic, writer or speaker. In
money
matters you are never rash, for you feel the responsibility of
handling
material assets. Marriages or engagements made during the middle
portion
of your life are likely to be broken.

19th Day of the Month

A birthday on the nineteenth day of the month indicates the full
gamut
of the vibrations, from 1 through 9, influencing your personality.
Logical, persevering, tenacious, practical , artistic and
universal,
you
can rise to great heights or fall to great depths in both acts and
emotions. You're independent and must not submit to limitations.
This
independence is the source of your dislike of society's
conventions,
which you refuse to follow in your private life, though you don't
give
public offense. Your versatility opens a wide range of career
options
for you, though you are suited to a profession rather than to
business.
Your deep sense of responsibility and strong impulse to better
conditions equip you well for politics if you are so inclined. You
crave
change and variety, are always altering your surroundings and will
need
to make many adjustments in your personal life.

20th Day of the Month

A birthday on the twentieth day of the month indicates a person
best
suited to small business, in a friendly, protective atmosphere. You
prefer to work with others rather than shoulder all the
responsibility
yourself, and are somewhat disinclined to branch out into larger
fields.
Although you are a better speaker on paper than before crowds, your
instinctive compassion and sensitivity suits you well to politics
or
ministry. Sympathetic and affectionate, you're able to accumulate a
store of knowledge and should have a good education. Your attention
to
detail makes you well suited to professions demanding that trait,
such
as corporate law or estate management. You prefer the country to
the
city and are deeply vested in your home, family and friends. While
you
like to be helpful, you're not inclined toward avoidable manual
labor.
Musical expression uplifts you, though you should pursue this as
part
of
a group rather than a soloist.

21st Day of the Month

A birthday on the twenty-first day of the month indicates an
individual
blessed with a beautiful singing and speaking voice that is a
significant asset. Magnetic and musical, fond of beauty, art and
dancing, you are rather nervous and high strung. You need to get a
grip
on the inexplicable aversions you feel toward certain things and
people.
When it comes to love you're more receptive than active in
expressing
it, but you take great pride in the objects of your affections.
Your
active imagination leads you to be suspicious, which can cause
serious
problems in relationships, especially marriage. Avoid the tendency
to
brood or become depressed. Inherently drawn to books, publishing,
editing and related fields, you can be very successful in anything
educational.

22nd Day of the Month

A birthday on the twenty-second day of the month indicates a high
powered individual who functions in both the objective and
subjective
worlds. This is a master vibration and as such, nervous and
over-stimulated; you need rest and seclusion in order to recharge
and
maintain your equilibrium. Highly intuitive, you should rely on
your
first impressions. Although you have unlimited power on both
planes,
you
are constantly pulled between expressing your ideals and keeping
them
within constructive limits. The 22 bears the mission of universal
utilitarianism, which leaves little room for personal ambitions.
Your
greatest success lies in the world of form, in any line that meets
your
ideals and contributes to the general good. Avoid any dubious or
illegal
transactions; you would be sure to be caughtand suffer the
consequences.

23rd Day of the Month

A birthday on the twenty-third day of the month indicates a
sympathetic,
sensitive, understanding person with a practical turn of mind. You
have
an uncanny ability to diagnose physical ailments and would
therefore be
well suited for a career in medicine (but not surgery, since the
mission
of this vibration is to build and heal instead of tear downand
destroy).
Your technical ability and practicality may give you an interest in
law,
chemistry or stocks, but you are simply too practical to succeed in
art.
Self-sufficient, popular and sociable, you do not suffer from an
inferiority complex. You get a lot out of life because you make the
best
of any situation. You're a good friend who is willing to take on
many
responsibilities.

24th Day of the Month

A birthday on the twenty-fourth day of the month indicates an
extremely
active person who must keep on the go in order to avoid wasting
energy.
Though you concentrate on one thing at a time, you thrive on
constant
change; you aren't the type to retire because you need to keeping
expanding and enlarging. You're strongly allied to art and have
considerable talent for the stage - your nature is thoroughly
dramatic
-
but are more likely to succeed in business or real estate.
Externals
don't count much with you, so you don't have much appreciation for
the
value of time or money. You're primarily practical, with a little
inclination to dream and a large inclination to magnify your joys
and
sorrows. You have a decidedly domestic nature along with a well
developed ego and will learn much through your powers of
observation.
Avoid depression, jealousy and worry.

25th Day of the Month

A birthday on the twenty-fifth day of the month indicates a
naturally
prophetic and intuitive person with a strong leaning toward the
occult.
You tend to conceal your true feelings and as a result are not
always
understood. Artistically gifted, you can commercialize almost any
area
of art to which you are inclined. Success can also be enjoyed in
the
professions, business or the constructive side of politics. You
tend to
be vacillating and inconsistent, and until you overcome this
tendency
your affairs will suffer. It's imperative that you learn to
concentrate,
force your mind into stability and away from a sense of
inferiority,
self-pity and depression. Your affections are your greatest
weakness,
and you must always stay on the straight and narrow, for there's a
strong tendency to wander from the path that inclines you to preach
morals but practice excess. Idealistic and hopeful, you need to
work
against laziness.

26th Day of the Month

A birthday on the twenty-sixth day of the month indicates an
individual
with full closets and drawers, for nothing is too small for
practical
use, and you just know that you'll need it if you get rid of it.
You're
very introspective and tend to live in the past - to the detriment
of
the present and future. Although you start many things, you find it
hard
to finish them, and either rise above or fall below average - as
you
choose. You can commercialize anything in the artistic lines -
except
music- in a big way. You can also do well in politics or diplomacy,
and
should have a good education. You have a beautiful domestic nature,
love
home and children and are the "marrying kind." Fastidious about
your
personal belongings and fond of color and show in the clothes you
wear,
you nonetheless do not insist on physical comforts and are very
generous
to others.

27th Day of the Month

A birthday on the twenty-seventh day of the month indicates a more
materially inclined individual than those born on the other
"9"birthdays
(9th and 18th). The 27 is a strong marriage vibration, though the
experience may be disappointing. You're forceful, quietly
determined
but
somewhat erratic, a natural leader who cannot be satisfied in a
subordinate position. Neither do you like to account for your own
conduct. Versatile and artistic, you also have literary talents and
could be a journalist, writer, lecturer or teacher. You're ardent
in
your affections but tend to overdo family traits. Your religious
tendencies are toward Eastern beliefs and away from orthodoxy.

28th Day of the Month

A birthday on the twenty-eighth day of the month indicates a strong
willed, dominant, tenacious person who is nonetheless filled with
love
and willing to go to any lengths for its sake. In this regard, your
unions may be unconventional, but are always in keeping with your
ideals. Executive by nature, you want to excel and will make great
sacrifices to do so. Your tendency to daydream and goof off could
nullify all your wonderful gifts, so you must never let laziness
get
the
upper hand. Most of your disappointments come from magnifying
everything
that concerns your life. Freedom is essential to you; you suffer
when
restrained or limited in anyway. Watch out for the tendency to drop
your
ideals once you have realized them, since this can deny you your
final
success.

29th Day of the Month

A birthday on the twenty-ninth day of the month indicates
inspiration,
spirituality and leadership abilities, since this is a master
vibration
(2+9=11). You have a unique ability to bring together disparate
forces
and can mediate labor problems or unify religious differences. Your
powers are great; you can use them to bring honor or destruction to
yourself and others - as you choose. You're an extremist in
everything,
intense in love and judgments, either way up or way down
emotionally.
Home is essential to your happiness, but you're high strung and
moody,
and not easy to live with. You get absorbed in your dreams,
aspirations
and plans and forget to consider the needs or feelings of those
around
you. You need a definite work to keep you balanced and efficient.

30th Day of the Month

A birthday on the thirtieth day of the month indicates a vital,
rather
nervous individual who seldom suffers from illnesses thanks to an
enviable ability to throw them off. You need to avoid any type of
obsession and should never experiment with the occult "for fun."
Set in
your opinions, you always think you're right, basing your
conclusions
on
a little knowledge combined with much imagination and intuition.
Fundamentally loyal, a true friend, you would make a good teacher,
writer or social worker. You're flirtatious, but fundamentally
loyal
and
like to be thanked for the thoughtful things you do. Although
you're an
excellent manager, you're not terribly fond of work.

31st Day of the Month

A birthday on the 31st day of the month indicates a person who,
like
those born on the thirtieth, shouldn't play with psychic phenomena.
Your
aspirations aren't always reasonable, which leads to
disappointments;
you need to apply practicality and patient hard work to your
endeavors
in order to succeed. You don't like to live alone and
responsibility is
a stabilizer for you, so it makes sense that you're the
"marryingkind."
You have good business qualities but need to get a grip on your
tendency
to spend money and dissipate other assets foolishly. Interior
decoration, writing, chemistry and pharmacy (you have a special
talent
for combining drugs and medicines) are other career avenues for
which
you are well suited. You never forget a kindness - or an injury,
real
or
imagined.

*************************************************************************************************

Subject Transportation in Chicago

Maneuvering in Chicago is relatively easy. The streets generally follow a grid pattern, with north-south streets intersecting east-west ones. A few diagonal streets, which follow old Indian trails, cut across the grid. The meridian mark is located at State and Madison Streets, where addresses begin with 1 North, 1 South, etc. However, most downtown streets are one-way streets, and we strongly recommend that you carry a good city map. Many of the east-west streets downtown are named for presidents, and the east-west streets along North Michigan Avenue are named for the Great Lakes. Outside downtown, streets with numbers as names (e.g., 85th Street) are on the South Side only.

Getting around downtown Chicago is easiest on foot, but the bus service is excellent for longer journeys. Bus No. 151, for instance, will take you through downtown, into Lincoln Park and Wrigleyville and beyond. The No. 146 can take you to the Museum Campus, where the Field Museum of Natural History, Shedd Aquarium and Adler Planetarium are located. (Pick it up at the Harold Washington Public Library at the corner of State and Congress.) Call the Regional Transit Authority's Travel Services Division at 312-836-7000, or stop at 181 W. Madison for maps and information about all of the city's transportation services. You could also take one of the tourist buses that offer on-and-off privileges in the downtown area (such as Chicago Motor Coach's double-decker buses) or Chicago Trolley Company's old-fashioned streetcar, which might well be the basis for the best tour in Chicago.

Travelers by car may bypass downtown traffic by taking Lower Wacker Drive, a quick route beneath street level, running along the Chicago River.

Downtown, some places are better than others for getting a cab (and a courteous driver) Washington, Monroe and Jackson Streets are best bets during rush hour in the Loop, where cabbies are eager for passengers after dropping fares off at Metra and Union Stations. Drivers also congregate at two 24-hour diners the Golden Apple Restaurant in the Lake View neighborhood (at Lincoln, Wellington and Southport Avenues) and at Mike's Rainbow Restaurant in River North (at Clark and Superior Streets).

Arriving By Air
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Chicago is served by two major airports O'Hare International Airport, the busiest in the world, is located 18 mi/29 km northwest of the city (45 minutes by car to downtown under normal driving conditions, longer during rush hours). Midway Airport is 8 mi/13 km south of downtown (30 minutes from downtown except during rush hours). Midway is more convenient to downtown than O'Hare but is served by fewer airlines.

Hotel Courtesy Vans—Vans that serve hotels near O'Hare and Midway Airports stop outside the baggage claim. They may be summoned at the hotel directory board located in each baggage-claim area.

Commercial Shuttles—Continental Air Express offers shuttle service between O'Hare and downtown hotels every five to 10 minutes from 6 am to 1130 pm, seven days a week. $15.50 per person one way, $28 per person round trip. Takes 45-60 minutes. Boarding areas located outside the baggage claim. Reservations necessary when departing from the hotel. Charters available. Phone 312-454-7799.

Taxis—Taxis are located outside the baggage claim. Approximate fare to downtown is $33 from O'Hare and $16-$21 from Midway.

Note If headed for the suburbs, get a suburban cab rather than a city cab; most Chicago cabbies get hopelessly lost outside the city limits.

Airport Train—Chicago Transit Authority (CTA) provides train service between the airports and downtown. At O'Hare, boarding area is at the lower level of Terminal 4. The Blue Line connects O'Hare with downtown (the trip takes 35-40 minutes). The new Orange Line is the Midway Airport connection. Schedules vary depending on time of day. Fare is $1.50 at all times. Phone 312-836-7000.

Pace suburban commuter buses connect with the CTA buses and trains and accept CTA transfers. For schedules, fares, maps and other information, call Regional Transit Information at 312-836-7000 for CTA, Metra and Pace services. Or look for the CTA online at http//www.transitchicago.com or Pace Suburban service at http//www.pacebus.com.

Rental Cars—Alamo, Avis, Budget, Dollar, Hertz and National have offices at O'Hare. Avis, Budget, Dollar, Hertz and National are on site at Midway.

Arriving By Car
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Chicago's expressways have both interstate highway numbers and local names, and these names can change as you move through the system. The highway where I-90 and I-94 run together north of the Loop is called the Kennedy; after they split, I-90 alone is the Kennedy, and I-94 becomes the Edens Expressway. South of the Loop, the area where I-90 and I-94 run together is called the Dan Ryan Expressway. I-55, which runs south to Springfield, is the Stevenson, and I-290 is the Eisenhower. I-294, which bypasses the city in a north-south direction, is called the Tri-State Tollway. The other limited-entrance road that's often used is the Outer Drive, which runs along much of the city's lakefront (it's not in the interstate highway system). There are no toll roads in the city limits, but once you hit the outer suburbs, you may have to pay a $0.40 toll at regular intervals on some highways.

For information about tolls, construction, closures, congestion and travel times, call 312-DOT-INFO.

Arriving By Train
------------------------------------------------------------------------

The major intercity train station is Chicago Union Station at 210 S. Canal. It is Amtrak's hub and national transfer station and is served by the majority of the system's trains. The station itself has no local number. For information, call individual train lines.

Arriving By Bus
------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Greyhound Lines bus terminal is located at 630 W. Harrison St., phone 312-408-5970. For toll-free reservations, call 800-231-2222.

Getting Around
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Buses/Subways—The Chicago Transit Authority buses and Elevated Train System (the "el") serve the entire city. $1.50 Monday-Friday, $1.25 Saturday-Sunday and major holidays; $0.30 for transfer good for three rides in two hours and $0.25 extra for express buses. Obtain a CTA Map for route information. 11 S. Wells, phone 312-836-7000.

The Chicago Metra Station (at Madison and Canal) houses the METRA commuter trains serving the suburban areas of the city and Arlington International Racecourse. Illinois Central Station (at Michigan and Randolph) houses the South Shore lines. Schedules and fare information may be obtained at the stations or by calling 312-322-6777, Monday-Friday 8 am-5 pm, or 312-836-7000 after hours.

Taxis run 24 hours and may be hailed on the street. Fare is $1.50 at flag drop plus $0.20 for each eighth of a mile. The Share-A-Ride program is available for $15 a person from O'Hare to downtown and Midway to downtown, and it's also $15 between O'Hare and Midway airports. Phone 312-829-4222.

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