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Subject   SHOLAY-2
    Sholay Dialogues again here for our Week-end Entertinment

  --------------------------------------------------------------

      BASANTI AUR VEERU
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      After giving up 'goondagiri', Veeru has now joined an Indian body
      shopper and has become a Computer Consultant. Jay (Amitabh) goes to
      Mausi for 'Basanti kaa haath mangane'..........

      MAUSI    bura nahin maanna beta, itna to poochna hi padtaa hai ki
                ladke ka khandaan kya hai, uske lakshan kaise hain,
                kamaata  kitna hai...

      AMITABH  kamaane ka to ye hai mausi, ki ek baar biwi baccho ki
                jimmewari sar pe aa gai, to consultant ka kaam chod kar
                regular employee hoga aur phir kamaane bhi lagega.


      MAUSI    to kya abhi kucch bhi nahin kamaata?
      AMITABH  nai, nai, ye maine kab kahaa mausi. kamaata hai lekin, ab
                roj roj to 'client' mil nahi sakta na, kabhi kabhi
               "BENCH"  per baith jaata hai bechara.

      MAUSI    BENCH pe bhi aa jata hai?

      AMITABH  haan mausi, ab ye kambakht Computer Consultancy cheej hi
                aisi hai ab main kya kahun...
      MAUSI    to kya programmer hai?

      AMITABH  chee, chi, chi, chee, chee! wo aur programmer? NAA! NAA!!
                wo to bahut hi acchhaa aur nek ladka hai, lekin waise ek
                baar kisi desi body shopper ke haat lag jaye na phir
                'language/RDBMS/QA' ka kahaan hosh rahta hai! haath pakad
                ke 'IDMS' ya 'QA' karvaane bithadiya desi ne, ab isme
                bechaare Veeru ka kya dosh.

      MAUSI    theek kahte ho beta, programmer woh, DBA woh, DESI ke
                paas
                kaam karta hai woh, lekin uska koi dosh nahin.

      AMITABH  mausi aap to mere dost ko galat samajh rahen hai, wo to
                itna seedha aur bhola hai, arey Basanti se uski shaadi
                kar
                ke to dekhiye, ye 'programming', 'DBA' aur 'client ke
                paas
                jane ki aadat' to do din main chhoot jayegi.

      MAUSI    arey beta is budhiya ko samjha rahe ho! apne COMPUTER
                CONSULTANTS ko chod dene ki aadat kisi body shopper ki
                chhooti hai aaj tak?

      AMITABH  mausi aap Veeru ko nahin jaanti, biswaas kijiye wo is
                tarah
                ka insaan nahin hai. ek baar shaadi ho gai to wo 'PAGER'
                bhi rakhna band kar dega, bas PROGRAMMING apne aap chhoot
                jayegi.
      MAUSI    hai raam, bas yehi ek kami baaki rah gai thi, to kya
                PAGER
                bhi rakhta hai?

      AMITABH  to usme kaun si buri baat hai mausi, arey PAGER to
                PRESIDENT, VP, CEO aur unchey-unchey log rakhte hai haan.

      MAUSI    accha! to beta ye bhi batate jaao ki tumhare ye gunwaan
                dost assal me kis company ke employee hai?

      AMITABH  bas mausi, hum 'trace' kar rahe hai, original H1 milte hi
                company ka pata chal jayega aur hum aapko khabar de
                denge.

      MAUSI    ek baat ki daad dungi beta, bhale sow buraiyaan hon
                tumhare
                dost main, phir bhi tumhare muh se uske liye tareef hi
                nikalti hai.

      AMITABH  kya karoon mausi, hum body shoppers log hi kucch aise
                hai.    to mai ye rista pakka samjhoon.

      MAUSI    pakka! bhale saari jindagi ladki kuwaari baithi rahe,
                lekin  aise aadmi se Basanti ko nahin byahne waali, sagi
 mausi
                hoon   koi sauteli maan nahin.

      AMITABH  ajeeeeb baaat hai, mere itne samjhaane par bhi aapne
                inkaar  kar diya, bechaara Veeru, na jaane ab agla client
 kaha
                milega!!
 

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**************************************** Deewar This is 21st century Deewar with two brothers Ravi (Shashi Kapoor) and Vijay (Amitabh Bachchan) who are programmers. They are at a clash because Vijay indulges into using computer resources for downloading illegal software and software piracy and Ravi has been assigned the task by System Administration of clearing the systems of such evils. He is writing a program to identify and weed out such Nethackers. So this is the fight betn. Ravi's ethics and Vijay's philosophy. Vijay logs in and starts netchat with Ravi who is already logged in. Amitabh- shukar hai aaj tum bug fix nahi kar raheho muze login karne mein der to nahi hui. Shashi- koi bat nahi. Netscape chalanewale hamesha slowhi kam karte hai. Amitabh- mai jo kuch kahana chahata hun uske pahale pooch lu ki muze sunnewala kaun hai ek bhai ya system administrator. Shashi- jabtak ek bhai programming kar raha hai ek bhai sun raha hai.Jub mpegs play karega ek system administrator sunega. Amitabh- Ravi tumhe malum nahi kin programmers ko tumme apna dushman bana liya hai aaj to maine unko virus spread karne se rok liya par shayad kal na rok saku. Tum documentation mein transfer lelo Ravi. Shashi- Nethacker bhaika login karke bol raha hai. Amitabh- lagata hai wo partition jo hum dono ki disk mein hai wo is pc ke hard disk se bahot bada hai. Ravi tumhe malum nahi jo program tum likh rahe ho uska anjaam kya ho sakta hai. Shashi- Jo program mein likh raha houn wo hang bhi ho sakta hai par jo program tum chala rahe ho uska anjaam sirf core dump hi hai mere bhai. Amitabh- main to mera code run kar chuka houn par tumhare paas to abhi bahot memory hai. Yahan our bhi companies hai tum udhar kyoun nahi chale jate. Shashi- nahi, mere usul mere adarsh muze iski izzazat nahi de sakate. Amitabh- Oof tumhare usul, tumhare adarsh.?!!! kis kam ke hai tumhare usul.Tumhare tamam usulonko computer mein dalkar do lines ka code nahi likha ja sakata,Ravi.Jin adarshonpe chalkar tum apne programs likh rahe ho kya diya hai tumko un adarshone. Ek do KB ka ram, 1MB ka 286 PC, ek do kawadi ka pager. Hum dono ne is pc se programming chalu kiya our tum kaha rah gaye our mein kaha aa gaya. Aaj mere paas mpegs hai, Avi hai, jpegs hai,Pentium hai, kya hai tumhare paas Shashi- Mere paas root password hai.-

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<"AJIT"> ************************************************************************ Subject ajit. Mickey Mouse Ajit, Muzhe Ramayan padhnee hai. Ajeet Raabert, isse wall peh chipka do Raabert yeh kyon baas? Ajeet Taaki yeh waal-mickey kehlaygaa aur usse Ramayan apne aap samazh me ayegee! Scene Ajit murders a man. Ajeet Raabert, Is aadmi ko Hero Honda ki tank mein dal do. Raabert kyon baas? Ajeet Fill it,shut it,forget it! Boss Raabert! Rab Yes, bass? Boss Yeh "bus" mei kuch hawa daal do. Rab Lekin, kyon bass? Boss Yeh bus "Airbus" ban jayega. Robert boss, China se Mr. Hu aayee hain. Ajit Goli maar do. Robert Kyo boss ? Ajit Hu mar jaane par humor ban ke sab ko hasaayenge. Scene Ajeet thouroughly disgusted with Mona da..arrling's typing. Ajeet Raaberrt, Mona ke dono hathon ko kaat do. Raabert Magar kyoon baas? Ajeet Typing to nahi atee, kamsekam shaarthand to seekh legi. Ajeet Raabert, in kutton ke saamne yeh Compooter laga do aur debugger starrt kar do. Raabert Lekin kyoon, baas? Ajeet Saale Checkpoint mein atak jayenge. Ajeet Raabert, Test Match mein kyaa ho raha hai ? Raabert Boss, Vivian Richards chhakke pe chhakka maar raha hai. Ajeet Saaleh ko sabak sikhana padega. Lunch break mein usse phone milana. Raabert Yes Boss. Ajeet (on phone, to Richards) Veeveeyun Reechards, tumhari Maa hamare kabze mein hai ....... Scene Ajeet comes to know about the traitor in his gang. Ajeet Raabert, ise ShamePain mein daal tho, agar Shame se nahi mara to Pain se mar jayega. Ajeet Rabert! isko eraser se maar do, yeh mar bhi jayega aur mit bhi jayega Raabert Boss! Aaap ko kaun si teen chiz sabse jahyahda pasand hein boss? Ajeet Ek Mona, Doosra Sona, aur Tisra, Mona ke saath Sona. Peter Boss? Sona kahan hei? Ajeet Tum chahe jahan bhi sona, lekin mujhe to Mona darling ke saath sona hai! Scene Ajeet spots one of his is enemies... Ajeet Maikal, woh jo admi ghadi pahne tumhe nazar aarahaa hai, woh hamara mehman hai. Tum ja kar uske doosre hath mein bhee gadhi pahna do...phir woh do ghadi ka mehman ho jayega ! Raabert Boss? Is kaa kyaa kare boss? Ajeet Rawbert! Is pille ko liquid oxygen me daal do. Liquid ise jeene nahi dega, aur oxygen ise marne nahi dega. Peter Boss? aur is pille ka kyaa kare boss? Ajeet Peter! Is saale ko super-conductor me daal do, saala bus mein ticket dete-dete thak jayega. Peter Boss is saale ka kya karen ? Ajeet Ise microprocessor mein daal do...BIT by BIT marega ! Robert aur boss..iska kya karen ? AjeetIse hamlet poison khilado...sochta rahega, to be or not to be ! Scene Ajeet ordering his chela to kill the enemy Ajeet "Raabert, Ise varnish mein daal do, saala mar bhi jaayega aur finish bhi ho jayega. Bob Boss, mission par kaise jaaoon, mujhe headek ho raha hai. Ajeet Abe head ek ho ya do, kaam to karna hi padega!! Scene Raabert and Ajeet are in a boat. The boat suddenly springs a hole and water starts coming inside. Raabert Boss ab kya hoga ?? Ajeet Raabert Ek aur hole bana do , aur ek hole me IN aur doosre me out likh do . Ek hole se paani ander aayega aur doosre se bahar chale jayega !! Scene Raabert had twins and comes to the "Boss"..... Raabert Boss, mere dono bachon ke liye koi naam bataiye.. Ajeet Ek ka naam rakho Peter.... Raabert boss or doosre ka ? Ajeet Repeater. Scene Raabert had triplet and comes to the "Boss"..... Raabert Boss, mera teen bachche ka keya naam shoche hein aap? Ajeet Ek Naam rakhkho, Peter, Repeater aur Wang Chung. Raabert Teesra ka naam "Wang Chung" kiu boss???!!! Ajeet Beokuf, tumhe malum nehi...is prithwi me paida hone waalaa har teesra bachcha Chinese hota hai. Scene Raabert and Ajeet go for shikar...Raabert spots a peacock... Raabert Boss....more.. more... Ajeet picks up the peacock, shoots it and says Nomore ! Robert Bass is gaddar ka kya karen ? Ajeet ise sui chubho chubho kar mar daalo... pulees samjhegi sui-cide hua hai. Peter bass yeh aadmi to kuchh boal hee nahin rahaa... Ajeet Ise revolving chair pe bitha do, pataa to lage chakkar kya hai. Ajeet Mona, tum Toni se shaadi mat karnaa, bahut mona-toni ho jaegi. Ajeet Raabert, dayna (Diana) ko kuch khatta pila do. Robert kyu boss ? Ajeet Bewkoof, woh dayna se daynasour ho jayegi, phir extinct kar dena.

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************************************************************************************************* SubjectResume of a Terrorist () ---------- Dear all.. PL. DON'T MISS A SINGLE LINE. IT'S REALLY APPRECIATING.. Objective ------------ To obtain a challenging position as a Crime Implementation Analyst (CIA) Education ------------ MS, Criminal Sciences, Virginia Prison for International Smugglers and The Unlawful (VPISU), August 1996. Thesis "On escaping from high security prisons like Alcatrez with minimal efforts" BS, Crime Technology, Tihar Jail( New Delhi), August 1994 Coursework -------------- Cop Psychology, Plastic Explosives Technology, Bomb Controls and Timer Device Theory, International Smuggling and Drug Trafficking, Object Oriented Crime Design Work Experience --------------------- * Research Assistant, LT&T Labs, Jaffna, Aug 1990 - Aug 1991 * Worked on the prestigious Belt Bomb project * Developed instant death cynide capsules in orange, strawberry and mint flavors (Patent # 007, 13, 666) * Summer Intern, Dawood Ibrahim and Haji MastanAssociates, ombay, June 1987 - July 1990 * Worked as a hitman and was responsible for many supari style killings * Participated in election rigging in Bihar and made hafta collections Honors ---------- * Won 1980 Gabbar Singh Memorial Award (given to child prodigies in crime) * Member, IPKF (Indian Professional Killers Forum) student chapter References -------------- * Dr. Charles Sobhraj, Full Time Prof., Tihar Jail, New Delhi * Dr. Chandra Swamy, Visiting Faculty, Tihar Jail, New Delhi * Dr. Dawood Ibrahim, Overseas Projects Manager, Dubai * Dr. Premananda, Full Time Prof, Central Prison, Madras * Dr. Prabhakaran, Director, Jafna base, Srilanka

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************************************************************************************************* Subject Election Application ------------------------------------------------------------- Application Form To Be Filled For Contesting Indian Elections ------------------------------------------------------------- 1. Name of Candidate _______________________ 2. Present Address (i) Name of Jail _______________________ (ii) Cell Number _______________________ (If not in Jail, attach proof of residence) 3. Political Party _______________________ (List ONLY the Last Five parties in the Chronological Order) 4. Sex [ ] A - Male B - Female C - Jayalalitha D - Lalloo 5. Nationality [ ] A - Italian B - Indian 6. Reasons for leaving last party (circle one or more) A - Defected B - Expelled C - Bought out D - None of above E - All of above 7. Reasons for contesting elections (circle one or more) A - To make money B - To escape court trial C - To grossly misuse power D - To serve the public E - I have no clue (if you choose "D,- attach Certificate of Sanity from a Recogonised Government Psychiatrist) 8. How many years of public service experience do you possess ? [ ] A - 1-2 yrs B - 2-6yrs C - 6-15yrs D - 15+yrs 9. Give details of any criminal cases pending against you (Use as many Additional Sheets as you want) 10. How many years have you spent in Jail ? [ ] (Do not confuse with question 8) A - 1-2 years B - 2-6 years C - 6-15 years D - 15+years 11. Are you involved in any financial scams ? [ ] A - Why not B - Of Course C - Definitely D - I deny it all E - see a foreign hand. 12. What is your Annual Corruption Income ? [ ] A - 100-500 Crores B - 500-1000 Crores C - Overflow... (Convert all your $ earning from Hawala etc to Rupees) 14. Do you have any developmental plans for the country in mind ? [ ] A - No B - No C - No D - No 15. Describe in space provided, your achievements _________________ Thumb Impresssion of candidate (Not that of the person who filled the form)

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************************************************************************************************* Bihar Engineering College Entrance Exam ======================================= Instructions 1) Read each question carefully. 2) Answer all questions. 3) Time Limit 3 weeks. 4) Begin immediately. 1. What language is spoken in France? 2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions OR Give the first name of Bill Clinton. 3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to (a) build a bridge (b) sail the ocean (c) lead an army (d) WRITE A PLAY 4. What religion is the Pope? (check only one) (a) Jewish (b) Catholic (c) Hindu (d) Polish (e) Agnostic 5. Metric conversion how many feet are in 0.0 meters? 6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5? 7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately) 8. What are people in America's far north called? (a) Westerners (b) Southerners (c) Northerners 9. Give the spellings of Bush, Carter and Clinton. 10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five. 11. Where does rain come from? (a) Earth (b) Moon (c) Sun (d) Sky 12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity? (a) Yes (b) No 13. What are coat hangers used for? 14. The Star Spangled Banner is the American National Anthem for what country? 15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium OR spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS. 16. Where is the basement in a three story building located? 17. Which part of America produces the most Florida oranges? (a) New York (b) Florida (c) Canada (d) Wisconsin 18. Advanced math. If you have three apples how many apples do you have? 19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?

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************************************************************************************************* ----------------------------- surd Subject PUNJAB - College Exam. PUNJAB COLLEGE EXAMINATION QUESTION PAPER [This one's a little difficult than last year's] Part 1. 1. Write your name in less than 20 minutes and 20 letters (only alphabets allowed, no numeric digits or "_" allowed) 2. Sex ? ( ) Male ( ) Female ( ) Sardar 3. What's your age group ? ( ) less than 0 ( ) equal to 0 ( ) greater than 0 4. What is 2 + 2 ? ( ) FOUR ( ) 4 ( ) IV 5. If you have one brother, how many brothers does your brother have? ( ) none ( ) one ( ) question is too personal 6. Complete the following sentence........... ______ ________ ________ _________ . 7. If there are 365 days in a year, how many days make a year ? 8. Read the statment carefully and answer the following question "My mother's daughter's brother's mother's mother's daughter's husband's wife is my mother herself". Q. How many times the word "mother" appear in the above statement? ( ) None ( ) few times ( ) uncountable times 9. If someone gives you a dollar for 100 cents , would you ( ) get one dollar ? ( ) 100 cents ? 10. Write an Essay on "MYSELF" in not more than three sentences....... (HINT My Name is ___________ (same as in [1]). I am a ___________ (boy/girl). I am writing an essay.) 11. If the time is 3.00 what does your digital watch show ? 12. At what time does the 11.16 Indrani Express come ? 13. What do you do on a honeymoon ? ( ) Collect Honey ( ) Admire Moon ( ) Collect Honey while admiring the moon 14. Earth is Flat ? ( ) False ( ) Indeed False 15. If A = B and B = C then is B = A ? ( ) TRUE ( ) FALSE ( ) OUT OF SYLLABUS 16. If you eat lunch during lunch time, what do you have during dinner time? 17. If Ram is Sita's Husband, Who is Ram's Wife ? 18. Think and write the present tense of THOUGHT. 19. Complete the following poem Mary had a little lamb little lamb little lamb_ (HINT "." or "@" or "^" ) 20. This is question number ( ) 1 ( ) 10 ( ) 20

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************************************************************************************************* ******************************************************** Surd Joke 1. Part A Two Surds (Santa and Banta)are playing chess (That's a big joke as chess is a game of intelligent persons and surds are considered..... Ha Ha ha) Part B Everytime Santa used to win. So, Banta says "Play with your other hand" Santa says "OK" and he plays with left hand. (Ha Ha Ha Chess is game of mind and not of left or right hand) Part C Even then santa wins the game. Why? (He was lefty Ha Ha Ha) 2. Santa one morning gets up and thinks why all surds are considered idiot. Today I am going to make everybody fool. He stands up in front of Kutub Minar and points hand in upward direction and looks up and yells "LOOK LOOK LOOK LOOK". People surround him and ask "What's the matter sardarjeee?" He does not turn around and continues to point upward and yelling "LOOK LOOK LOOK LOOK" This continues for a couple of hours and more people gather around him. Then he thinks that it must be too much. I must have made everybody fool today. He puts his hand down and stops yelling and turns around to see all Sardars!!!!!! Enjoy this. In the aftermath of the Debacle India received at the hands of WI, Indian Selectors faced with the dilemma of finding an opening Batsman to face the fiery WI Fast Bowlers. Atlast a Sardarji is selected to play for the Indian cricket team as an opening batsman. He opens the batting against West Indies. He is asked to face the very first over (with one Sunil Gavaskar as the non-striker!) from Marshall who is bowling at his fiercest... Here is the running commentary. First ball Perfect Late OutSwinger.Whizzes past Sardarji's = off-stump. Sardarji not drawn into playing a false stroke. WicketKeeper collects the Ball. Appreciative nod from the non-striker. Second ball Goes right between the Sardarji's bat and pads and over the middle stump, somehow missing both the bat and the stumps. Sardarji beaten but still unmoved. Third ball Is an unsettling bouncer. Almost decapitates the Sardarji, missing his head by a fraction of an inch. Ball goes to wicket-keeper. Sardarji least perturbed. Marshall kinda surprised. Fourth ball Outside the leg-stump. Sardarji again doesn't move, and the ball shoots past him to the wicket- keeper. But this time, the umpire shouts "No Ball!" Sardarji walks upto the umpire and tells him, "So you discovered it now? You see, I know from the very beginning that the guy has no ball in his hand!" Subject Surd jokes! ================== Ticket collection ================== A Surdarji was going by train from Delhi to Bombay. He kept getting off at every station to buy a ticket till the next station. When the train reached Delhi, the Surd's co-passengers asked him why he kept on buying tickets instead of buying a ticket for the entire. The Surd replied that his doctor had advised him against taking long journeys. ====================== Detective job vacancy ====================== Three men were applying for the same job as a detective. One was a Sardarji, one was Jewish, and one was Italian. The chief decided to ask each applicant just one question and base his decision upon that answer. When the Jewish man arrived for his interview, the chief asked him, "Who killed Jesus Christ?" The Jewish man answered without hesitation "The Romans killed him." The chief thanked him and he left. When the Italian man arrived for his interview, the chief asked the same question. He replied "Jesus was killed by the Jews." Again, the chief thanked the man who then left. Finally the Sardarji arrived for his interview, he was asked the same question. He thought for a long time, before saying, "Could I have some time to think about it?" The chief said, "OK, but get back to me tomorrow." When the Sardarji arrived home, his wife asked "How did the interview go?". Pat came the reply, "Great, I got the job, and I'm already investigating a murder. ---------------------------------------------------------------- Banta Singh had just finished his English exam. His friends asked him how he did and he replied "Exam was okay, but for the past tense of THINK, I thought, thought, thought ... and at last I wrote THUNK !!!" Surd Joke There's a funeral procession of a sardar going on a busy street. All the sardars in the 'mayyat' are dancing the bhangra and singing and general 'balle balle' is on. The people on the street find it strange that instead of mourning everyone is celebrating as if its a marriage baraat. So one of them asks Santa Singh, "Singh saab, aapka koi sage wala gujar gaya hai aur aap naach rahe ho ?" Santha Singh replies, "Ha ji ! Hai hi baat bade khushi ki !!! Aaj paheli baar ek sardar *brain* tumour se mara hai !!!!" The Genius MS Santa =================== Microsoft, as usual in short of good software professional, places an ad in all world famous news papers for a single position who would be in charge of their next operating system Windows-96. This becomes scary news as the ad says interview would be conducted by Mr. Bill Gates. Microsoft receives only three applications as the outcome, from an American, Japanese and an Indian (of course you guessed it right, no one other than Santa Singh). They are all invited to Microsoft HQ in Seattle for the interview.Bill gates says "I will ask you only one question and your answer should decide your fate". All of them prepared to face Mr. Gates eagerly wait for the question. Bill asks "How do we achieve Windows-96 from Windows-95?" American & Japanese are puzzled and think over it and our guy Santa smiling and dancing in his chair says "balle balle" in mind. After a while American answers "Fix bugs in Windows-95 for smooth transitions", Bill shouts "Get out of here...". The poor guy runs out. The Japanese says "Make Windows-96 more user friendly than Windows-95" Bill Gates screams "get the hell out of here....". Gates looks at Santa, Santa giggles and says "RENAME Windows-95 Windows-96". Gates says "Balle, Balle, You got the job"

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************************************************************************************************* ********************************************************************************************* Subject FW Modern Love Letter READ IT CAREFULLY ........ Dearest Ms Julie , I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in love with you since the 14th of October (Sunday). With reference to the meeting held between us on the 13th of Oct. at 1500 hours, I would like to present myself as a prospective lover. Our love affair would be on probation for a period of three months and depending on compatibility, would be made permanent. Of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous on the job training and performance appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to spouse. The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be shared equally between us. Later, based on your performance, I might take up a larger share of the expenses. However I am broadminded enough, to be taken care of, on your expense account. I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this letter, failing which, this offer would be cancelled without further notice and I shall be considering someone else. I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to your sister, if you do not wish to take up this offer. Thanking you in anticipation. Yours sincerely, Mr. Romeo

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************************************************************************************************* ********************************************************************************************** Subject Shayari ..... Tum hoti to aisa hota, ttum hoti to waisa hota Tum es bat pe etna hasti, tum es bat pe etna kush hoti, Tum es bat pe eh kahati,tum es bat pe woh kahati shukra hai tum nahi ho!!! before marrige -------------- takdir hai magar kismat nahi khulti tajmahal banana chahata hoon lekin mumtaz nahi milti after marriage --------------- takdir hai magar kismat nahi khulti tajmahal banana chahata hu lekin mumtaz nahi marti -- Subject sher-o-shayari.......... Arz kiya hai..... jawaab teri shayari ka.... denge hum shayari mein.... naam tera likh baithe hain.... apne dil ki diary mein.... Humse Kya Khata Hui Ki Mail Aanna Band Hai...... App hi humse naraz hain ya Mail Server band Hai........ Mashooka Lagta hai meri aankh mein kuch gir gaya, dekho to...... Mashook Darling, ek tinka dikh to raha hai... kyon na use wahin rahne diya jaye... main doobonga to sahara dega....... aapne mere man se khela aapne mere tan se khela aapne mere dhan se khela well played! well played! well played!! tum aa gaye ho ;noor aa gaya hai chalo teeno movie chalen..... Tum har raat mere khwabon mein aao, Tum har raat mujhe yuunhi satao, Melody khao khud jaan jao......... Dharti so rahi hai, Aasman so raha hai Dharti so rahi hai,Aasman so raha hai Nonsense! yeh sab kya ho raha hai? Mat pee sharab galib masjid mein baith kar Ek hi botal hai, kahin khuda na mang le ----------------------------------------------------------------------------

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************************************************************************************************* ********************************************************************************************** Subject Software Parody yeh document, yeh meetings, yeh features ki duniya, yeh insaan ke dushman, long-hours ki duniya, yeh deadlines ke bhooke, management ki duniya; yeh Software agar ban bhi jaaye to kya hai ?? yahaan ek khilona hai programer ki hasti, ye basti hai keval bug-fixers ki basti, yahaan par to error se hai warning sasti, yeh Review agar ho bhi jaaye to kya hai ?? har ek jism ghayal, har ek rooh pyaasi, dimaagon mein uljhan, dilon mein udaasi, yeh office hai ya aalame badhawaasi, yeh Release agar ship ho bhi jaaye to kya hai ?? jalaa do ise, phoonk daalo yeh documents, mere saamne se hataa lo yeh documents, tumhaara hi tumhi sambhaalo yeh office, yeh Software agar chal bhi jaaye to kya hai ?????

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************************************************************************************************* *************************************************************************************************** ********************************************************************************************** Subject could this be true ! Titanic Of all tales of the supernatural, this one is perhaps the best documented, the most disturbing and the most difficult to explain ...... The Princess of Amen-Ra lived some 1,500 yrs b4 Christ . When she died, she was laid in an ornate wooden coffin and buried deep in a vault at Luxor, on the banks of the Nile . In the late 1890s, 4 rich young Englishmen visiting the excavations at Luxor were invited to buy an exquisitely fashioned mummy case containing the remains of Princess of Amen-Ra . They drew lots . The man who won paid several thousand pounds and had the coffin taken to his hotel . A few hours later, he was seen walking out towards the desert . He never return . The next day, one of the remaining 3 men was shot by an Egyptian servant accidentally . His arm was so severely wounded it had to be amputated . The 3rd man in the foursome found on his return home that the bank holding his entire savings had failed . The 4th guy suffered a severe illness, lost his job and was reduced to selling matches in the street. Nevertheless, the coffin reached England (causing other misfortunes along the way), where it was bought by a London businessman . After 3 of his family members had been injured in a road accident and his house damaged by fire, the businessman donated it to the British Museum . As the coffin was being unloaded from a truck in the museum courtyard, the truck suddenly went into reverse and trapped a passer-by . Then as the casket was being lifted up the stairs by 2 workmen, 1 fell and broke his leg . The other, apperently in perfect health, died unaccountably two days later . Once the Princess was installed in the Egyptian Rm, trouble really started . Museum's night watchmen frequently heard frantic hammering and sobbing fr the coffin . Other exhibits in the rm were also often hurled about at night . One watchman died on duty; causing the other watchmen wanting to quit . Cleaners refused to go near the Princess too . When a visitor derisively flicked a dustcloth at the face painted on the coffin, his child died of measles soon afterwards . Finally, the authorities had the mummy carried! down to the basement . Figuring it could not do any harm down there . Within a wk, one of the helpers was seriously ill, and the supervisor of the move was found dead on his desk . By now, the papers had heard of it . A journalist photographer took a pict of the mummy case and when he developed it, the painting on the coffin was of a horrifying, human face . The photographer was said to went home then, locked his bedroom door and shot himself . Soon afterwards, the museum sold the mummy to a private collector. After continual misfortune (and deaths), the owner banished it to the attic. A well known authority on the occult, Madame Helena Blavatsky, visited the premises . Upon entry, she was sized with a shivering fit and searched the house for the source of "an evil influence of incredible intensity" . She finally came to the attic and found the mummy case . "Can you exorcise this evil spirit ?" asked the owner . "There is no such thing as exorcism . Evil remains evil forever . Nothing can be done about it . I implore you to get rid of this evil as soon as possible ." But no British museum would take the mummy; the fact that almost 20 ppl had met with misfortune, disaster or death from handling the casket, in barely 10 yrs, was now well known . Eventually, a hard-headed American archaeologist (who dismissed the happenings as quirks of circumstance), paid a handsome price for the mummy and arranged for its removal to New York . In Apr 1912, the new owner escorted its treasure aboard a sparkling, new White Star liner about to make its maiden voyage to New York . On the night of Apr 14, amid scenes of unprecedented horror, the Princess of Amen-Ra accompanied 1,500 passengers to their deaths at the bottom of the Atlantic. The name of the ship was none other than "Titanic".

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************************************************************************************************* ****************************************************************** ********************************************************************************************** Subject Diary of a Programmer -- Very true () DIARY OF AN UNKNOWN PROGRAMMER 700 Wake up. Decide to do some really path-breaking work today. 900 Reach office. Sign in. Switch on terminal. 905 Check mail. 915 Start replying to accumulated mail."I really hate being popular." 940 Send mail to occupant of next to next cubicle. "Taking in the new movie tonight ?" 945 Log into CyberSpace / M-Net / whatever. 950 Start searching. There must be some girls logged in. 1005 Ask a girl for a date. 1010 refusal!! Heartbroken. 1020 Recover equilibrium. Search for coffee. Anybody going to cafetaria? 1050 Back at desk. Decide to really start working now. 1100 Realize that the required manual is in the library. Will have to withdraw it. 1115 The spare library card was here somewhere. Where is it? 1130 Give up on library card search as a bad job. Of course I can do the stuff without the manuals. 1245 Something written. Should get compiled. 1246 How can 40 lines of code give 283 lines of error? Must be some typographical mistake. Will check it after lunch. 1315 The food was really good today. Why don't they make this item a regular feature ? 1320 That was a really bright idea. Send a general mail to campaign for inclusion of this item everyday for lunch. 1359 Did not include windows.h in the code. Now it should compile. 1400 It compiled in one shot. God, I'm a genius! 1401 RUN. 140101 GPF. (General Protection Failure) 1402 Stunned. What is the world coming to these days ? 1405 OK. Now the hard part comes. Do I debug the code or filch somebody else's library card ? 1406 Looked over the cubicle. Chap in next cubicle has almost completed his module. Homicidial thoughts. 1415 No, I should really do something about it. Start debugging the code. 1745 Continuous GPFs. It would have been easier to kill the chap. 1750 Take a break. Recurrent daydream "Why are blonde girls so pretty?" 1805 Start Netsurfing. Search for Sharon Stone. 1815 Found the location. Start downloading the pictures. 1820 No space. Save it in the server ? 1821 Do I dare to do it ? OK, what the hell, DO IT!! 1835 Start experimenting with fonts, cursors and prompts. God, I was really made for this stuff ! 1925 Where is everybody ? Finger ! 1930 Time to pack up and go to the movie. 2350 Back from the movie. Consider today a day well spent. Long live the I.T. industry! 000 Turn in for the night. Resolve to do some really path-breaking Work tomorrow. Ring any bells?

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************************************************************************************************* ********************************************************************************************** ********************************************************************************************** Subject Windows 98 Hindi Version Bill Gates was in India a few days ago. He announced that Microsoft plans to release a windows version in Hindi. Here are some Windows related terms that may be used in the Hindi version of... Khidkiyan98 Phaail = File Bachao = Save Aise Bachao = Save as Subko Bachao = Save All Mujhe Bachao = Help Dhoondo = Find Firse Dhoondo = Find Again Hilao = Move = Mailer Paas se dhekho = Zoom Dhoor se dhekho = Zoom Out Kholo = Open Bandh Karo = Close Naya = New Khatara = Old Badli Karo = Replace Bhaago = Run Chaapo = Print Dekh Ke Chaapo = Print Preview Kaapi = Copy Kaato = Cut Chipkao = Paste Payshal Chipkao = Paste Special Goli Maaro = Delete Nazaara = View Hatyaar = Tools Hatyaar Khamba = Toolbar Khuli Chaadar = Spreadsheet Kalti Maaro = Exit Ped = Tree Thooso = Compress Chooha = mouse Tik Karo = Click Tik-Tik Karo = Double Click Idhar-se-Udhar.Udhar-se-Idhar = Scrollbar Microsoft A Sure Fix There are three engineers in a car an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer, and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong. The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred. The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere. Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything comes up with a suggestion, "Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it'll work !?" *************************************************************************************************** Technically Correct! A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER." The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position. The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because they gave me a technically correct, but completely useless answer." Subject Microsoft cars Top Ten Things That Will Be Different When Microsoft Starts Building Cars. 10. The stereo system will only be able to listen to Microsoft FM and play Microsoft cassettes 9. Oil, gas, and temperature gauges replaced by a single "General Car Fault" warning light 8. To turn on the air conditioner, you'll have to shut the car down for two minutes and restart it 7. Occasionally, your car will stop and fail to restart, and you'll have to reinstall the engine to get it going again 6. When you call the service department, they'll tell you it's not their fault and blame it on the company that made the tires 5. Before the airbag deploys, it will ask "are you sure?" 4. To make right turns, you'll have to upgrade to Microsoft SteeringWheel 2.0 3. Apple will make a car that's faster, more reliable, and easier to drive...but it will only run on five percent of the roads 2. If you can't afford to buy a new car, you can just borrow one from a friend and copy it ...and the number one thing that'll be different when microsoft starts building cars... If you're involved in a crash...you'll have no idea why. The Genius MS Santa =================== Microsoft, as usual in short of good software professional, places an ad in all world famous news papers for a single position who would be in charge of their next operating system Windows-96. This becomes scary news as the ad says interview would be conducted by Mr. Bill Gates. Microsoft receives only three applications as the outcome, from an American, Japanese and an Indian (of course you guessed it right, no one other than Santa Singh). They are all invited to Microsoft HQ in Seattle for the interview.Bill gates says "I will ask you only one question and your answer should decide your fate". All of them prepared to face Mr. Gates eagerly wait for the question. Bill asks "How do we achieve Windows-96 from Windows-95?" American & Japanese are puzzled and think over it and our guy Santa smiling and dancing in his chair says "balle balle" in mind. After a while American answers "Fix bugs in Windows-95 for smooth transitions", Bill shouts "Get out of here...". The poor guy runs out. The Japanese says "Make Windows-96 more user friendly than Windows-95" Bill Gates screams "get the hell out of here....". Gates looks at Santa, Santa giggles and says "RENAME Windows-95 Windows-96". Gates says "Balle, Balle, You got the job"

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************************************************************************************************* *************************************** ************************************************************************************************* Some time ago I received a call from a colleague, who asked if I would be the referee on the grading of an examination question. He was about to give a student a zero for his answer to a physics question, while the student claimed he should receive a perfect score and would if the system were not set up against the student. The instructor and the student agreed to an impartial arbiter, and I was selected. I went to my colleague's office and read the examination question Show how it is possible to determine the height of a tall building with the aid of a barometer. The student had answered Take the barometer to the top of the building, attach a long rope to it, lower it to the street, and then bring it up, measuring the length of the rope. The length of the rope is the height of the building. I pointed out that the student really had a strong case for full credit since he had really answered the question completely and correctly. On the other hand, if full credit were given, it could well contribute to a high grade in his physics course. A high grade is supposed to certify competence in physics, but the answer did not confirm this. I suggested that the student have another try at answering the question. I was not surprised that my colleague agreed, but I was surprised when the student did. I gave the student six minutes to answer the question with the warning that the answer should show some knowledge of physics. At the end of five minutes, he had not written anything. I asked if he wished to give up, but he said no.. He had many answers to this problem; he was just thinking of the best one. I excused myself for interrupting him and asked him to please go on. In the next minute, he dashed off his answer which read Take the barometer to the top of the building and lean over the edge of the roof. Drop the barometer, timing its fall with stopwatch. Then, using the formula x=0.5*a*t^2, calculate the height of the building. At this point, I asked my colleague if he would give up. He conceded, and gave the student almost full credit. In leaving my colleague's office, I recalled that the student had said that he had other answers to the problem, so I asked him what they were. Well, said the student. there are many ways of getting the height of a tall building with the aid of a barometer. For example, you could take the barometer out on a sunny day and measure the height of the barometer, the length of its shadow, and the length of the shadow of the building, and by the use of simple proportion, determine the height of the building. Fine, I said, and others? Yes, said the student. There is a very basic measurement method you will like. In this method, you take the barometer and begin to walk up the stairs. As you climb the stairs, you mark off the length of the barometer along the wall. You then count the number of marks, and this will give you the height of the building in barometer units. A very direct method. Of course. If you want a more sophisticated method, you can tie the barometer to the end of a string, swing it as a pendulum, and determine the value of g at the street level and at the top of the building. From the difference between the two values of g, the height of the building, in principle, can be calculated. On this same tact, you could take the barometer to the top of the building, attach a long rope to it, lower it to just above the street, and then swing it as a pendulum. You could then calculate the height of the building by the period of the precession . Finally, he concluded, there are many other ways of solving the problem. Probably the best, he said, is to take the barometer to the basement and knock on the superintendent's door. When the superintendent answers, you speak to him as follows 'Mr. Superintendent, here is a fine barometer. If you will tell me the height of the building, I will give you this barometer.' At this point, I asked the student if he really did not know the conventional answer to this question. He admitted that he did, but said that he was fed up with high school and college instructors trying to teach him how to think.

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************************************************************************************************* *************************************************************************************************** ************************************************************************************************* Subject Goodies!! Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson are hiking. They hiked all day long and then, having gotten tired, went to sleep in the tent. Holmes wakes up deep at night, wakes Watson and says "Watson, do you see the bright stars and do you notice how clear the sky is? What can you deduce from it?" "Well, this clearly tells us the weather tomorrow is going to be dry and sunny." "No Watson, it's simplier it just means that somebody has stolen our tent." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ When a snail crossed tha road, he was run over by a turtlr. Regaining consciousness in the emergency room, he was asked what caused the accident. "I really cant remember," the snail replied. "You see, it all happened so fast." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Overheard at the track "Horse racing is very romantic. The horse hugs the rail, the jockey puts his arms around the horse, and you kiss your money goodbye." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A professor asked a student to remain for a few moments after class. Holding out the young man's assignment, the professor said, "Did you write this poem all by yourself?" The student said, "Every word of it." The professor said, "Well, then, I'm glad to meet you, Mr. Poe. I thought you were long dead!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A male crab met a female crab and asked her to marry him. She noticed that he was walking straight instead of sidewasy. Wow, She thought, this crab is something special. I can't let him getaway. So they got married immediately. The next day she noticed her husband walking sideways like all other crabs and got upset. "What happened?" she asked. "You used to walk straight before we married." "Oh, honey," he replied, "I cant drink that much everyday." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Lenin is dying, and talking things over with Stalin, his successor "The one worry I have," says Lenin, "is this will the people follow you? What do you think, comrade Stalin?" "They will," says Stalin, "they surely will." "I hope so," says Lenin, "but what if they don't follow you?" "No problem," says Stalin, "then they'll follow you." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A dA runk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading---a couple of minutes later he asked the priest, "Father what causes arthritis"? "Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol and contempt for your fellow man". "Well I'll be damned", the drunk muttered and returned to reading his paper. The priest, thinking about what he said turned to the man and apologized "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong---how long have you had arthritis"? "I don't, father, I was just reading in the paper that the Pope has it". An attorney was cross-examining the coroner of a small town in the mid-west in June of 1995. The names will remain hidden to protect the stupid. The attorney asks, "Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the man's pulse?" The coroner says, "No." The lawyer then asks, "Did you listen for a heartbeat?" "No" says the coroner. "Did you check for breathing?" Again, the coroner says, "No." "So," the lawyer continues, "when you signed the death certificate, you had not taken any of the usual steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?" The coroner, now tired of the browbeating, said "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know, he could have been out there practicing law somewhere." The resulting laughter by the folks in the courtroom was so loud the judge had to hit his gavel several times though he was laughing as well..... Father "Did you children help your mother today ?" First child "Yes, Daddy. I washed the dishes." Father "Very good, Billy." Second child "I dried them." Father "Very good, Mary." Third child "I picked up the pieces." Father "....................." (collapses) ---------------------------------- Q A guy walks into a pet store wanting to buy a talking bird. He sees a parrot and says to the bird, "Hey, can you speak, Stupid?" A And the bird replies, "Yes, can you fly, Dummy?" -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -= -= This is little jonhy with a difference A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?" Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven." Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart." Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!" The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this. And Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!" ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Subject Joke Judi goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss concerned about all his employees well being asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?" To which the blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away." The boss feeling very sorry at this point explains to the young girl. "Why don't you go home for the day... we aren't terribly busy just take the day off to relax and rest." Judi very calmly states, "No.. I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here." The boss agrees and allows her to work as usual... "If you need anything just let me know." A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on Judi. He looks out his office and sees her crying hysterically. He rushes out to her asking, "What's so bad now? Are you going to be ok? What's wrong?" Judi breaks down in tears, "I just received a horrible call from my sister. She said that *her* mom died too!!" ***************************************************************************************** A lawyer is trying to call his clients. The phone rings and their little boy, in a whisper, says, "Hello." Lawyer "Is your mommy there?" Boy (whisper) "Yes." Lawyer "Can I speak with her?" Boy (whisper) "She's busy." L "Is your daddy there?" B (whisper) "Yes." L "Can I speak with him?" B (whisper) "He's busy." L "Is there anyone else there?" B (whisper) "The fire department personal" L "Can I talk to one of them?" B (whisper) "They're busy." L "Is there anybody ELSE there?" B (whisper) "The police " L "Well, can I talk to one of THEM?" B (whisper) "They're busy." L "Let me get this straight, your mother, father, the fire department AND the police are ALL in your house, and they're ALL busy. WHAT are they doing?" B (whisper) "They're looking for me." ________________________________________________________ Harry, Did you get the check I sent you ? Yes, I got it twice - once from you and once from the bank. The easiest way to make your old car run better, is to check the prices of a new car. It's what people don't know about each other that makes them such good freinds. After all is said and done - where do the people in hell tell one another to go ? If you can't get a lawyer who knows the law, get one who knows the judge I get up at 6 a.m., no matter what time it is. If a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. If a woman talks dirty to man, it's $2.98 a minute. Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife. One woman's hobby is another woman's hubby. ________________________________________________________ A priest, seeing a blank signboard hanging on a lamppost wrote upon it "I pray for all." A Solicitor wrote underneath "I plead for all." A doctor added "I prescribe for all." A simple citizen wrote "I pay for all." -------------------------------------------------------- Wife u delivered an excellent speech. Hubby Thanks dear, but the audience was full of fools & idiots. Wife Is that why u addressed them as your brothers & sisters? -------------------------------------------------------- After a dinner speech, the speaker scolded his secretary "Why did you write such a long speech for me? U saw how those people were feeling bored!" The secretary replied, "Sir, it wasn't a lengthy speech at all; but I did make one mistake- I gave u all 3 copies of the speech." -------------------------------------------------------- A Rotary visitor to Japan told a joke lasting 2 minutes. The interpreter then translated using only a few words. Everyone laughed. Afterwards the visitor asked the interpreter how he translated such a long joke so quickly. "Well, I didn't think they would get the point, so I said, "Our guest has just told a joke. Everyone please laugh." -------------------------------------------------------- A vampire bat flies back to his fellow vampires in the bat-cave with a bloody mouth. They stare at him jealously and ask him where he got the blood. In reply he asks them, "Did you see that tree back there?" "Sure," they reply. "Well I fucking didn't!" ----------------------------------------------------------------- "I have good news and bad news," a defence attorney told his client. "First the bad news. The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with that found at the crime scene. You'll probably be sentenced to 25 years hard labour." "Oh, no!" cried the client. "What good news could there possibly be?" "Your cholesterol is down to 140." ------------------------------------------------------------------ Penguins can jump as high as 6 feet in the air. ----------------------------------------------------------------- A man walks into his Doctor's consulting room. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear. "Whats the matter with me?" he asked. "You're not eating properly." replied the Doctor. Subject Very good set of jokes... A man went to the doctor and told him that he had swallowed five silver dollars about two years before. The doctor was puzzled and asked, "If you swallowed them two years ago, why are you just coming to me now?" "It's this way, Doc," replied the man, "I never needed the money before now." *** Scientist #1 "I've found a liquid that will eat through anything!" Scientist #2 "That's great!" Scientist #1 "Yeah, but for some reason I can't find anything to hold it in..." *** "Dad, can you write in darkness?" "Oh yeah son! I used to do it in my college days." "Well, I will switch off the lights. You can then sign report card..." *** Overheard "My great grandfather came to Canada seeking freedom. It didn't work. My great grandmother came over on the very next boat." *** A waiter, with his thumb in the middle of a steak, set the plate down in front of his customer. "Are you crazy!?" yelled the customer. "I'm not eating this steak after your thumb has been all over it!" "I had to put my thumb there!" replied the waiter, "You wouldn't want it to fall on the floor again, would you?" *** A man went into a drug store and asked the pharmacist to give him something for the hiccups. The pharmacist promptly reached out and slapped the man's face. "What did you do that for?" the man asked in a rage. "Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore do you?" The man said, "No, but my wife out in the car still does!" *** An Australian farmer covered in blood was sitting on a stone near his farm crying, when his neighbour passed by. "What's wrong, Bruce?" asked the neighbour. "I bought a new boomerang," the crying Bruce replied. "So, why are you crying?" the neighbour asked. "I can't throw the old one away!!" *** A guy was in his back yard one day when he glanced over his fence and saw his neighbour digging a hole. Being a friendly person, he asked what the hole was for. "My canary died, and I'm burying it," replied his neighbour. "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that," said the first guy, "but isn't that a pretty big hole for your little canary?" he asked. "Well, it's inside your blooming cat!" replied the neighbour. *** Subject Very good set of jokes... A man went to the doctor and told him that he had swallowed five silver dollars about two years before. The doctor was puzzled and asked, "If you swallowed them two years ago, why are you just coming to me now?" "It's this way, Doc," replied the man, "I never needed the money before now." *** Scientist #1 "I've found a liquid that will eat through anything!" Scientist #2 "That's great!" Scientist #1 "Yeah, but for some reason I can't find anything to hold it in..." *** "Dad, can you write in darkness?" "Oh yeah son! I used to do it in my college days." "Well, I will switch off the lights. You can then sign report card..." *** Overheard "My great grandfather came to Canada seeking freedom. It didn't work. My great grandmother came over on the very next boat." *** A waiter, with his thumb in the middle of a steak, set the plate down in front of his customer. "Are you crazy!?" yelled the customer. "I'm not eating this steak after your thumb has been all over it!" "I had to put my thumb there!" replied the waiter, "You wouldn't want it to fall on the floor again, would you?" *** A man went into a drug store and asked the pharmacist to give him something for the hiccups. The pharmacist promptly reached out and slapped the man's face. "What did you do that for?" the man asked in a rage. "Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore do you?" The man said, "No, but my wife out in the car still does!" *** An Australian farmer covered in blood was sitting on a stone near his farm crying, when his neighbour passed by. "What's wrong, Bruce?" asked the neighbour. "I bought a new boomerang," the crying Bruce replied. "So, why are you crying?" the neighbour asked. "I can't throw the old one away!!" *** A guy was in his back yard one day when he glanced over his fence and saw his neighbour digging a hole. Being a friendly person, he asked what the hole was for. "My canary died, and I'm burying it," replied his neighbour. "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that," said the first guy, "but isn't that a pretty big hole for your little canary?" he asked. "Well, it's inside your blooming cat!" replied the neighbour. *** Subject Good Ones friends. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation....... Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men. The other 999 are followers of women. Yes god created man before women, but you always create a draft before the final masterpiece. The teacher, during an English lesson, asked the students "Now tell me what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?" A student in the back row replied "A Teacher". Bank accounts are like toothpasteeasy to take out but hard to put back ***********************************8 Look Busy ========== A young businessman had just started his own firm. He'd rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear busy, the young businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?" The man said, "Sure. I've come to install the phone!" ----------------------------------------------------- Mrs. Smith, a third grade teacher wanted the class to play a game where one student starts drawing on the board, then one by one others add to it. She thinks and decide not to start with Johnny, because he is so naughty and always has some "unusual" pictures in mind. So she starts with Anne. Anne "This is our house". /\ / \ / \ / \ | | | | | | Teacher "Good Anne!" and asked Peter to draw next Peter "This is our house's door". /\ / \ / \ / \ | | | _ | | | | | | |_| | Teacher"Very good, Peter" and calls Mary Mary "This is our house roof". /\ /UU\ / \ / \ | | | _ | | | | | | |_| | Teacher"Very nice, Mary" and calls on Stevie Stevie "And this is the sun over our house." \|/ -O- /|\ /\ /UU\ / \ / \ | | | _ | | | | | | |_| | Teacher"Very nice Stevie" and thinks there is not much damage that Johnny can do with this picture and asked Johnny to come to the board. Johnny "And this is my Dad, trying to pick up the soap when he dropped it in the shower!!! ________ / \ / \|/ \ / -O- \ | /|\ | | /\ | | /UU\ | | / \ | | / \ | | | | | | | _ | | _| | | | | |_ (____| |_| |____)

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************************************************************************************************* ************************************************************************************************* Subject Lalloo in Theatre! Ek baar laloo aagaye Bambai ma. Utre VT satesan pe. Sochat rahe ab kaa kare. Meeeeting to agle hapte hot. Eee hapta kaisan jaat? "Chalo, tanik satesan me se bahar to nikle", eee sochat soochat pahuch gaye bus istap pe. chadh gaye ek buswa ma. sochat rahe "tanik seedi kis liye bhai?". To conductor bol pade, "chalaa varti ja". To laloo chid gaye. "Are tanik hindi ma baat karo angreji kahe bolat ho?". To conductor bole "itni bhi baat tu samajhta nahi. Upar jane ke liye bol raha hoon". "aahaha", laloo bole, "hamka gadhaa samjat ho ka? Upar direvar nahi na hai". Ab laloo raat ko ka kare. Itne mote bistarwa par akele to neend nahina aati hai! Chalo pacture chale. Bagal ma hi 'Solay' chalat rahi. Paanch rupiah ki tikat leke laloo andar gaye. To sundar sundar Basanti dikh gayi laloo ko. Baaye dekhe, daaye dekhi, dekhe sabhi picture ma mashgul rahat fauran ek aakh mar di Basanti ko. Idhar Gabbar Singh biolat rahe "Basanti nacho". To laloo sochat rahin "Eee pikchur hot ya tamaasa?" Do bara daye dekhe, baye dekhe, Basanti ko aakh mar di. Ram janat kaun Biru bolat rahi "Basanti, in kutton ke samne nahi naachna". Idhar laloo gusse se laal. "Ab laloo kutta haikaa?" Usi dauran Jaidev pahuch rahi seen ma. Ghode pe sawar daudne lage. To laloo pehali baar kursi chhod kar bhagne lage. To bagal wale muchhad bolat "Are soo kare chhe?" To laloo bole "Tanik dekho, ee ghode isi taraf daudat rahi". Muchhad bole, "Are soo baat kare chhe? Aa pikchur chhe". To lallo bole, "Humka maloom hai pikchar hai, toka maaloom hai pikchar hai. Ghode ka nahi na maaloom hai ki pikchar hai"!

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************************************************************************************************* ************************************************************************************************* ************************************************************************************************* Classic Collection from Anuja Narwadwar, Monica, Harkirat And Ashwini Encouraging Stuff Subject Trees. Once upon a mountain top, three little trees stood and dreamed of what they wanted to become when they grew up. The first little tree looked up at the stars and said "I want to hold treasure. I want to be covered with gold and filled with precious stones. I'll be the most beautiful treasure chest in the world!" The second little tree looked out at the small stream trickling by on it's way to the ocean. "I want to be traveling mighty waters and carrying powerful kings. I'll be the strongest ship in the world!" The third little tree looked down into the valley below where busy men and women worked in a busy town. "I don't want to leave the mountain top at all. " I want to grow so tall that when people stop to look at me, they'll raise their eyes to heaven and think of God. I will be the tallest tree in the world." Years passed. The rain came, the sun shone, and the little trees grew tall. One day three wodcutters climbed the mountain. The first woodcutter looked at the first tree and said, "This tree is beautiful. It is perfect for me." With a swoop of his shining axe, the first tree fell. "Now I shall be made into a beautiful chest, I shall hold wonderful treasure!" The first tree said." The second woodcutter looked at the second tree and said,This tree is strong. It is perfect for me." With a swoop of his shining axe, the second tree fell. "Now I shall sail mighty waters!" thought the second tree. "I shall be a strong ship for mighty kings!" The third tree felt her heart sink when the last woodcutter looked her way. She stood straight and tall and pointed bravely to heaven. But the woodcutter never even looked up. "Any kind of tree will do for me." He muttered. With a swoop of his shining axe, the third tree fell. The first tree rejoiced when the woodcutter brought her to a carpenter's shop. But the carpenter fashioned the tree into a feedbox for animals. The once beautiful tree was not covered with gold, nor with treasure. She was coated with saw dust and filled with hay for hungry farm animals. The second tree smiled when the woodcutter took her to a shipyard, but no mighty sailing ship was made that day. Instead the once strong tree was hammered and sawed into a simple fishing boat. She was too small and too weak to sail to an ocean, or even a river; instead she was taken to a little lake. The third tree was confused when the woodcutter cut her into strong beams and left her in a lumberyard. "What happened?" The once tall tree wondered. "All I ever wanted was to stay on the mountain top and point to God..." Many many days and night passed. The three trees nearly forgot their dreams. But one night, golden starlight poured over the first tree as a young woman placed her newborn baby in the feedbox. "I wish I could make a cradle for him." her husband whispered The mother squeezed his hand and smiled as the starlight shone on the smooth and the sturdy wood. "This manger is beautiful." she said. And suddenly the first tree knew he was holding the greatest treasure in the world. One evening a tired traveler and his friends crowded into the old fishing boat. The traveler fell asleep as the second tree quietly sailed out into the lake. Soon a thundering and thrashing storm arose. The little tree shuddered. She knew she did not have the strength to carry so many passengers safely through with the wind and the rain. The tired man awakened. He stood up, stretched out his hand, and said, "Peace." The storm topped as quickly as it had begun. And suddenly the second tree knew he was carrying the king of heaven and earth. One Friday morning, the third tree was startled when her beam were yanked from the forgotten woodpile. She flinched as she was carried through an angry jeering crowd. She shuddered when soldiers nailed a man's hands to her. She felt ugly and harsh and cruel. But on Sunday morning, when the sun rose and the earth tremble with joy beneath her, the third tree knew that God's love had changed everything. It had made the third tree strong. And every time people thought of the third tree, they would think of God. That was better than being the tallest tree in the world. So next time you feel down because you didn't get what you want, just sit tight and be happy because God is thinking of something better to give you ............. It is not today's burdens that get to us. Rather it is the regret of yesterdays and fear of tomorrows. Regret and fear, two theives that steal away our today. POEM- ------------------------------------------------------------------- The pursuit of happiness is a matter of choice . . . . . . . . not a matter of circumstances. -------------------------------------------------------------------

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************************************************************************************************* ************************************************************************************************* Subject the cocoon!!!!!!!!!!! The Cocoon A man found a cocoon of an emperor moth. He took it home so that he could watch the moth come out of the cocoon. On the day, a small opening appeared, he sat and watched the moth for several hours as the moth struggled to force its body through that little hole. Then it seemed to stop making any progress. It appeared as if it had gotten as far as it could go no farther. It just seemed to be stuck. Then the man, in his kindness, decided to help the moth, so he took a pair of scissors and snipped off the remaining bit of the cocoon. The moth then emerged easily. But it had a swollen body and small, shriveled wings. The man continued to watch the moth because he expected that, at any moment. the wings would enlarge and expand to be able to support the body, which would contract in time. Neither happened! In fact, the little moth spent the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and shriveled wings. It never was able to fly. What the man in his kindness and haste did not understand was that the restricting cocoon and the struggle required for the moth to get through the tiny opening were a way of forcing fluid from the body of the moth into its wings so that it would be ready for flight once it achieved its freedom from the cocoon. Freedom and flight would only come after the struggle. By depriving the moth of a struggle, he deprived the moth of health. Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our life. If we are allowed to go through our life without any obstacles, it would cripple us. We would not be as strong as what we could have been.

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************************************************************************************************* ******************************************** ************************************************************************************************* Subject Love story Once upon a time, there was an island where all the feelings lived Happiness, Sadness, Knowledge, and all of others including Love. However, one day it was announced to them that the island would sink, so all prepared their boats and left. Love was the only one who stayed. Love wanted to stay until it started sinking. When Love was almost sinkng, he decided to ask for help. Richness was passing by Love in a beautiful boat. Love said, "Richness, can you take me with you?" Richness answered, "No, I can't. There are a lot of gold and silver in my boat. There is no place here for you." Love decided to ask Vanity who was also passing by, "Vanity, please help me!" "I can't help you Love. You are all wet and can probably damage my boat," Vanity answered. Sadness was close by so Love asked for help, "Sadness, let me go with you." "Oh...Love, I am so sad that I prefer to go alone!" Happiness passed by Love too, but she was so happy that she did not listen when Love called her! Suddenly, there was a voice, "Come Love, I will take you." It was an elderly. Love became very happy that he even forgot to ask the name of the elderly. When they arrived to the other side , Love asked Knowledge who was the elderly. "It was Time." "Time? But why did Time help me?" "Because only Time is capable understanding such a great Love." P.S Time is capable of solving anything. Things today may not have a solution but tomorrow you will find one!

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************************************************************************************************* *************************************************************************************************** ************************************************************************************************* Subject FW Good One about India If you are late for work in Mumbai and reach the station just as the train is leaving the platform, don't despair. You can run up to the packed compartments and find many hands unfolding like petals to pull you on board. And while you will probably have to hang on to the door frame with your fingertips, you are still grateful for the empathy of your fellow passenger, already packed tighter than cattle, their shirts drenched with sweat in the badly ventilated compartment. They know that your boss might yell at you or cut your pay if you miss this train. And at the moment of contact, they do not know if the hand reaching for theirs belongs to a Hindu or a Muslim or a Christian or a Brahmin or an Untouchable. Come on Board, they say. We'll adjust.

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************************************************************************************************* **************************************************************************************** ************************************************************************************************* Subject Some respite from GEMS.. "THE PRESENT" Don't undermine your worth by comparing yourself with others. It is because we are different that each of us is special. Don't set your goals by what other people deem important. Only you know what is best for you. Don't take for granted the things closest to your heart. Cling to them as they would your life, for without them, life is meaningless. Don't let your life slip through your fingers by living in the past or for the future. By living your life one day at a time, you live all the days of your life. Don't give up when you still have something to give. Nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying. Don't be afraid to admit that you are less than perfect. It is this fragile thread that binds us each together. Don't be afraid to encounter risks. It is by taking chances that we learn how to be brave. Don't shut love out of your life by saying it's impossible to find. The quickest way to receive love is to give; The fastest way to lose love is to hold it too tightly; And the best way to keep love is to give it wings. Don't dismiss your dreams. To be without dream is to be without hope; To be without hope is to be without purpose. Don't run through life so fast that you forget Not only where you've been, but also where you are going.Life is not a race, but a journey to be savoured each step of the way. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Yesterday is History Tomorrow is a Mystery And Today? Today is a gift that's why we call it "The Present" DEDICATE "THE PRESENT" TO SOMEONE OTHER THAN YOURSELF....AND THEN LIFE WILL BE MUCH MUCH MUCH BETTER THAN YOU YOU REALLY THINK IT TO BE!!!!!! ```````````````````````````````````````````````````````````

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************************************************************************************************* ************************************************************************************************* INSTRUCTIONS FOR LIFE 1. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully. 2. Memorize your favorite poem. 3. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want. 4. When you say, "I love you", mean it. 5. When you say, "I'm sorry", look the person in the eye. 6. Be engaged at least six months before you get married. 7. Believe in love at first sight. 8. Never laugh at anyone's dreams. 9. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely. 10. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling. 11. Don't judge people by their relatives. 12. Talk slow but think quick. 13. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?". 14. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk. 15. Call your mom. 16. Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze. 17. When you lose, don't lose the lesson. 18. Remember the three R's Respect for self; Respect for others; Responsibility for all your actions. 19. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship. 20. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it. 21. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice. 22. Marry a man you love to talk to. As you get older, his conversational skills will be as important as any other. 23. Spend some time alone. 24. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.+-9* 25. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer. 26. Read more books and watch less TV. 27. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll get to enjoy it a second time. 28. Trust in God but lock your car. 29. A loving atmosphere in your home is so important. Do all you can to create a tranquil harmonious home. 30. In disagreements with loved ones, deal with the current situation. Don't bring up the past. 31. Read between the lines. 32. Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality. 33. Be gentle with the earth. 34. Pray -- there's immeasurable power in it. 35. Never interrupt when you are being flattered. 36. Mind your own business. 37. Don't trust a man who doesn't close his eyes when you kiss him. 38. Once a year, go someplace you've never been before. 39. If you make a lot of money, put it to use helping others while you are living. That is wealth's greatest satisfaction. 40. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a stroke of luck. 41. Learn the rules then break some. 42. Remember that the best relationship is one where your love for each other is greater than your need for each other. 43. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it. 44. Remember that your character is your destiny. 45. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon. Send this to at least 5 people and your life will improve 0-5 people- You could possibly enjoy a week of satisfaction. (If you're lucky) 6-10 people- Your life will improve slightly. 16-20 people- You will have at least 5 surprises in the next 3 weeks. 21 and above- Your life will improve drastically and everything you ever dreamed of will begin to take shape.

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************************************************************************************************* ************************************************************************************************* ABOUT FRIENDS ....... There is a difference between being an acquiantence and being a friend. First, an acquaintence is someone whose name you know, who you see every now and then, who you probably have something in common with and who you feel comfortable around. It's a person that you can invite to your home and share things with. But they are people who you wouldn't share your life with, whose actions sometimes you don't understand because you don't know enough about them.. On the other hand, a friend is someone you love. Not that you are "in love" with them, but you care about them and you think about them when they are not there. The people you are reminded of when you see something they might like, and you know this because you know them so well. They are the people whose pictures you have and whose faces are in your head regardless. They are the people you see in your mind when you hear a song on the radio because they made you go up to the person they like and ask them to dance with them, or maybe YOU danced with them, maybe they stepped on your toes, or just put their head on your shoulder. They are the people you feel safe around because you know they care about you. They call just to see how you are doing, because a friend doesn't need an excuse. They tell you the truth, the first time, and you do the same. You know that if you have a problem, they are there to listen. They are the people who won't laugh at you or hurt you, and if they do hurt you they try hard to make it up to you. They are the people you love, regardless of whether you realize it. They are the people you cried with when you got rejected from colleges and during the last song at prom and at graduation. They are the people that when you hug them, you don't think about how long to hug and who's going to be the first one to let go. Maybe they are the people that hold the rings at your wedding, or maybe they are the people that give you away at your wedding, or maybe they are the people you marry. They are certainly the people that cry at your wedding because they are happy or because they are proud or because they are so in love. They are the people who stop you from making mistakes and help you when you do. They are the people whose hand you can hold, or you can hug or give them a kiss and not have it be awkward because they understand the things you do and they love you for them. They stick with you and stand by you. They hold your hand. They watch you live and you watch them live and you learn from them. Your life is not the same without them. These are your friends.

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************************************************************************************************* POEMS WORTH READING *************************************************************************************************** ************************************************************************************************* Its up to you One song can spark a moment, One flower can wake the dream. One tree can start a forest, One bird can herald spring. One smile begins a friendship, One handclasp lifts a soul. One star can guide a ship at sea, One word can frame the goal. One vote can change the nation, One sunbeam lights a room. One candle wipes out darkness, One laugh will conquer gloom. One step must start each journey, One word must start each prayer. One hope will reise our spirits, One touch can show you care. One voice can speak with wisdom, One heart can know what's true. One life can make the difference, YOu see, it's up to you!

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************************************************************************************************* *************************************************************************************************** ************************************************************************************************* Ctrl, Alt, and Delete (Author Unknown) Don't you wish when life is bad and things just don't compute, That all we really had to do was stop and hit reboot? Things would all turn out ok, life could be so sweet If we had those special keys Ctrl, Alt, and Delete Your boss is mad, your bills not paid, your wife, well she's just mute Just stop and hit those wonderful keys that make it all reboot You'd like to have another job but you fear living in the street? You solve it all and start anew, Ctrl, Alt, and Delete

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************************************************************************************************* *************************************************************************************************** ************************************************************************************************* Subject Who's Indespensable? WHO'S INDESPENSABLE ? ----------------------- Sometimes when you are feeling important, Sometimes when your ego is in bloom, Sometimes when you take it for granted, You're the best qualified in the room. Sometimes when you feel that your going, Will leave an unfillable hole, Just follow this simple instruction, And see how it humbles your soul. Take a bucket and fill it with water, Put your hand in it up to the wrist, Pull it out, and the hole that's remaining, Is the measure of "how" you'll be missed. You may splash all you please when you enter, You can stir up the water galore, But stop, and you'll find in a minute, That it looks the same as before. The moral of this quaint example , Is do just the best you can, Be proud of yourself but remember, There's no indispensable man!

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************************************************************************************************* ************************************************************************************************* Subject DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN....... A Computer Was Something On Tv From A Science Fiction Show A Window Was Something You Hated To Clean.... And Ram Was The Cousin Of A Goat..... Meg Was The Name Of My Girlfriend And Gig Was Your Thumb Upright Now They All Mean Different Things And That Mega Bytes An Application Was For Employment A Program Was A Tv Show A Cursor Used Profanity A Keyboard Was A Piano Compress Was Something You Did To The Garbage Not Something You Did To A File And If You Unzipped Anything In Public You'd Be In Jail For A While Log On Was Adding Wood To The Fire Hard Drive Was A Long Trip On The Road A Mouse Pad Was Where A Mouse Lived And A Backup Happened To Your Commode Cut You Did With A Pocket Knife Paste You Did With Glue A Web Was A Spider's Home And A Virus Was The Flu I Guess I'll Stick To My Pad And Paper And The Memory In My Head I Hear Nobody's Been Killed In A Computer Crash But, When It Happens They Wish They Were Dead

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************************************************************************************************* ************************************************************************************************* Subject invisible friends!!! Friends Without Faces We sit and we type, and we stare at our screens We all have to wonder, what this possibly means. With our mouse we roam, through the rooms in a maze Looking for something or someone, as we sit in a daze. We chat with each other, we type all our woes Small groups we do form, and gang up on our foes. We wait for somebody, to type out our name We want recognition, but it is always the same. We give kisses and hugs, and sometimes flirt In MACT/CAMPION/HFC/ST. JOSEPH we chat deeply, and reveal why we hurt. We do form friendships - but - why we don't know But some of these friendships, will flourish and grow. Why is it on screen, we can be so bold Telling our secrets, that have never been told. Why is it we share, the thoughts in our mind With those we can't see, as though we were blind. The answer is simple, it is as clear as a bell. We all have our problems, and need someone to tell. We can't tell real people, but tell someone we must So we turn to the 'puter, and to those we can trust. Even though it is crazy, the truth still remains They are Friends Without Faces, and odd little names. Take this week to have fun and be sure to let those "friends without faces" know how much you appreciate them. Happy Online Friendship Week! Pass this on to all your friends, and let them know that you care.

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************************************************************************************************* ************************************************************************************************* Why did the chicken cross the road? KINDERGARTEN TEACHER To get to the other side. PLATO For the greater good. ARISTOTLE It is the nature of chickens to cross roads. KARL MARX It was a historical inevitability. TIMOTHY LEARY Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take. SADDAM HUSSEIN This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it. JACK NICHOLSON 'cause it f___ing wanted to. That's the f___ing reason. RONALD REAGAN I forget. CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK To boldly go where no chicken has gone before. HIPPOCRATES Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas. ARTHUR ANDERSEN CONSULTANT Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful. LOUIS FARRAKHAN The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and keep him down. MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR. I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives being called into question. MOSES And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing. FOX MULDER You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it? RICHARD M. NIXON The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road. MACHIAVELLI The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was. JERRY SEINFELD Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?" FREUD The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. BILL GATES I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. OLIVER STONE The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?" DARWIN Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads. EINSTEIN Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference. BUDDHA Asking this question denies your own chicken nature. RALPH WALDO EMERSON The chicken did not cross the road .. it transcended it. ERNEST HEMINGWAY To die. In the rain. COLONEL SANDERS I missed one?

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************************************************************************************************* ************************************************************************************************* Two Cows FEUDALISM You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk. PURE SOCIALISM You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need. BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex- chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need. FASCISM You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk. PURE COMMUNISM You have two cows. Your neighbours help you take care of them, and you all share the milk. RUSSIAN COMMUNISM You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. DICTATORSHIP You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you. SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment. MILITARIANISM You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you. PURE DEMOCRACY You have two cows. Your neighbours decide who gets the milk. REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY You have two cows. Your neighbours pick someone to tell you who gets the milk. AMERICAN DEMOCRACY The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate". BRITISH DEMOCRACY You have two cows. You feed them sheep's' brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything. BUREAUCRACY You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows. ANARCHY You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbours try to kill you and take the cows. CAPITALISM You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. HONG KONG CAPITALISM You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly-listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the fung shui is bad.. ENVIRONMENTALISM You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them. FEMINISM You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf. TOTALITARIANISM You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned. POLITICAL CORRECTNESS You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallo-centric, war-mongering, intolerant past) two differently-aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender. COUNTER CULTURE Wow, dude, there's like... these two cows, man. You got to have some of this milk. SURREALISM You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

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************************************************************************************************* ************************************************************************************************* Subject let's be friends!!!!!!!!!!!!1 Let's know about each other more as friends. You As A Friend **************** Aries Your friendship must be warm and on the level. Let me put it this way. You are a fine friend and a formidable foe. With Aries, things are never done by halves. Aries expects total devotion and sincerity in friendship. In turn, he/she extends a loving and strong hand. *********************************************************************** Taurus A good friend, though not a particularly brilliant one. Many times, family members and close relatives end up as friends. Yes, a Taurean can give himself/herself freely with time, and money, and practical advise. The Taurean likes friends, to be happy and in comfort. The Taurean hates to lose a friend, as the attachment is strong, and will often go out of the way to maintain a relationship. Taurean can be patient, persuasive, persistent with friends. *********************************************************************** Gemini An amusing friend and according to me a good one. Gemini can return love, responds beautifully to a little appreciation. Gemini often feels -- but wrongly so -- that others don't do enough for him/her. Young at heart, you could be the life of a group. Whatever others might say about you, I do maintain that you excel in human relationships. *********************************************************************** Cancer Your loyalty and attachments to people make you a friend worth his or her weight in gold. However, see that you do not expect too much out of friendship. Always ready to give, you are likely to be bitterly disappointed when friends do not live up to your own image of them .However, you will seldom cut your friendship ties and do much more for friends than they did for you. A good, solid friend | ************************************************************************ Leo As a friend you are worth your weight in pure gold. Leo is a mighty good friend. He/She does not ditch people. Leo is very warm hearted and sincere. Your idealism and romanticism comes through very strongly here. Blessed is the person who has a Leo friend. ************************************************************************ Virgo Understand, Virgo, that yours is a sign of service and communal living. It is a humane sign. Therefore, you need friends, though you may acknowledge it. In friendship, Virgo is at his best. Virgo may not be a hearty type. But Virgo will be steady and extremely reliable as a friend. Whatever advice and suggestions Virgo gives will be practical and to the point. Virgo hates to break off any relationship. A Virgo friend is a solid friend. He/She is worth the price in platinum. ************************************************************************ Libra You can give good advice to a friend and any friend who follows up will never come to grief. But if you expect Libra to give the heart also ,you could be disillusioned. This does not mean that Libra is cold. It only means that you Librans can often appear detached,though you are extremely caring, sensitive and love people . You can be a good friend. Libra is excellent company. Libra has finesse and grace. Let me say, Libra is the lubricant in all human relationship. ********************************************************************* Scorpio There's explosive element here, pure dynamite, if you ask me. However good friend you may be -- and you are good -- do not be secretive and wear a mask. Yes ,you are discriminative in friendship and psychologically speaking, a disturbed family background,sometimes tragically so, is responsible for it. In friendships, you are intensely loyal.Though you do and can appear detached, you are ultra-sensitive, specially in pride and self-respect. You are a little too over-bearing, never a happy ground for a stable friendship. Secrets will be well kept. Do not attach too much importance to minor lapses on the part of friends. You could be betrayed, resulting in a complete severing of all ties. ************************************************************************ Sagittarius Generous to a fault and very helpful, you evidently make a good friend. If friends follow your advise they will be happy. Yes, you can guide them very well. Your intuition comes into full play in friendship. You will do more for them than they do for you. Even if your friends fail you -- and many of them will -- there will be no resentment and hatred. But your own prejudices will blind you on many occasions. With Sagittarius likes and dislikes are intense. ************************************************************************ Capricorn Once the initial hurdles are crossed, you will prove to be the old faithful. See that snobbery does not come into the way of true friendship. While you may not be very tactful and polished in your manners and talk, you won't fail a friend in an emergency. Try to reach out more, please. ********************************************************************* Aquarius Aquarians can be better counselors than friends. The reason is that, though emotionally involved, they can think clearly and visualize situations and problems creatively. As yours is the sign of friendship, I do predict that your friends will receive both warmth and guidance from you. ************************************************************************ Pisces A good friend ,humane, understanding, if slightly unconventional. Yes, you can understand a person intuitively, help him without a show of exuberance. The friendship may have an unworldly touch about it. But your advise should be worth following. A word of warning. Do not expect the impossible here. People have feet of clay and so, I am afraid , do you. Accept them for what they are worth, and let not idealism crowd judgement. our innate grace and diplomacy could help save an unpleasant situation.

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************************************************************************************************* ************************************************************************************************* Subject Your day of Birth You fall on which day of the month ? Your Day of Birth in Numerology The day of the month on which the you were born - regardless of which month or year it is - is a key numerological indicator, providing an excellent "thumbnail sketch" of standout traits. It strongly influences your Life Path and is helpful in choosing your vocation, since it carries its greatest influence between approximately your 28th and 56th birthdays. This is one of the four most important numbers in a chart, the others being the Soul Urge, Expression and the Life Path. You may find that you vibrate to one or more of these numbers, i.e., feel a particular draw to them without consciously knowing why. 1st Day of the Month A birthday on the first day of the month means that you have a strong will, are self-reliant and independent. People may say you "think too much," because you like to plan but not to actually build. Similarly, you're better at diagnosing what's wrong than prescribing a remedy. You have a good mind and like to reason things out. Practical and idealistic at the same time, you refer most things to your head rather than to your heart. As a result, although you are capable of great affection,you are not usually demonstrative of it. In spite of all your independence you are very sensitive and need positive feedback and encouragement. You possess a great deal of unexpressed power. 2nd Day of the Month A birthday on the second day of the month indicates that you are highly emotional and very sensitive to your environment. Somewhat nervous and forgetful, you make friends easily and they have great fondness for you. You're warm hearted and need demonstrated affection, so you like people to make a fuss over you. It's important that you avoid mood swings and anything that depresses you. While you like material comfort, you aren't always willing to make the effort to get it. Your talent for rhythm can be expressed in writing poetry or music. 3rd Day of the Month A birthday on the third day of the month indicates that you have great vitality and can quickly recover from illness. Your vivid imagination enables you to make a good story out of the smallest event.You have innate critical and literary abilities, and need a variety of interests to keep you busy. Intense and extreme in your affections, you have great emotional crises from which you recover quickly. You're a social animal, expressive in public and at your top form in front of an audience. Although you are restless, you are also easily satisfied and able to make the best of conditions. 4th Day of the Month A birthday on the fourth day of the month indicates a four-square individual, a lover of nature, home, family and country. You are most likely to be successful in manufacturing, building, utilities, textiles - any occupation connected with the products of the earth. Music,painting or sculpting offer relaxing sidelines, although you could commercialize any of these as well. You're rather set in your ideas and tend to impose them on others, seeing yourself as the final arbiter of good manners and correct ethics. Your belief in discipline makes it hard for you to express your feelings, and as a result you suffer a great deal emotionally. When it comes to work, you drive yourself tirelessly -- and, unfortunately,everyone else, too. You have a decided tendency to overwork and if need be should schedule time for recreation. 5th Day of the Month A birthday on the fifth day of the month indicates that you are adaptable, enthusiastic and somewhat boastful. You have a fine mind and active imagination, and love to serve up your stories with all the trimmings. A lover of life, hale fellow well met, you're excellent company and keep things moving rapidly. Yours is a life filled with all sorts of new experiences and constant change. Although you are the type who refuses to be tied down by anything, you are the "marrying kind." You have a good singing and speaking voice. 6th Day of the Month A birthday on the sixth day of the month indicates a love nature. You bloom with praise and appreciation, but wilt in the face of criticism. When involved in a relationship you lavish your affection on your beloved - at least for as long as the relationship lasts. The 6 seeks perfection and seldom finds it, so it looks elsewhere. Following such a course will earn you a reputation for being untrustworthy. You love children but don't have to have your own to be happy. Even though you are well protected, you worry constantly about not having enough money. Mental rather than intellectual, you have natural acting abilities that can help you succeed on the stage or in business. You have literary and artistic tendencies,and can attract the money or backing you need. The one area in which you are not talented is mechanics. Having people around you in a harmonious atmosphere is essential to your well being. 7th Day of the Month A birthday on the seventh day of the month indicates a specialist, one with a keen mind capable of deep mental analysis. You shouldn't gamble or speculate; on the contrary, you must closely examine every detail of any enterprise before becoming involved in it. Strongly intuitive if not psychic, you should never take advice that goes against your "gutfeelings." You must WAIT for what you want rather than aggressively seek it, for what you long for comes to you only if it is not actively sought. You have talent for stringed instruments (including the piano) and the organ, as well as excellent judgment in money matters. Your opinions are firm and you don't like to change them; moreover, physical adjustments are not easy for you and you tend to be a loner, all of which makes marriage difficult. Spend a portion of each day alone to relax and meditate. 8th Day of the Month A birthday on the eighth day of the month indicates a creative, productive individual with natural business acumen. Progressive and expansive, you deal well in matters of general or public interests,but should avoid equal partnerships because you need to be in a position to make the final decisions. Large businesses, corporations or governmentare your bailiwick, in any of which you must express honesty and integrity in order to be permanently successful. More fond of books than you are of reading, you're inclined toward large gestures; if you have it, you give great sums of money to institutions or charities. You are somewhat ostentatious and want your family to be a credit to you. 9th Day of the Month A birthday on the ninth day of the month indicates publicity, distribution, art, broadmindedness and philanthropy (defined in The Wizard of Oz as "good deed doing"). You're interested in metaphysics and relate them to what's going on in the world. Literary, artistic and strong willed, you're a natural ruler who can succeed in almost anything artistic, as well as writing, teaching, law, publishing or the ministry. You need a broad education so that you can better choose your profession. You belong both in and to the world, making it difficult for you to lead a purely personal life successfully. Marriage during the middle portion of your life is likely to end, through death, divorce or some other separation, though the love may remain intact. Yours is a life filled with long journeys and many changes. 10th Day of the Month A birthday on the tenth day of the month indicates a person with many interests, capable of doing several things at the same time. Many others depend on you but few offer help, so you may feel rather isolated and alone. You have a good mind and strong will, and are an adept promoter of things you believe in. When it comes to friends and possessions (which you may regard in the same light) you are quite jealous and exclusive -you do not share either. Your creative talent is best expressed in the business world, but art, particularly music or painting, is a fulfilling sideline. Hospitable but not domestic, you don't like to be burdened with the details of maintaining a home. Your vitality enables you to quickly recover from physical and emotional ills. 11th Day of the Month A birthday on the eleventh day of the month indicates an inspired, imaginative individual with determination and perseverance, but with fluctuating levels of energy. In keeping with this master vibration,you are very dramatic in both thought and action, brilliant, scintillating,but nervous and high strung. You react quickly - shoot from the hip - and need to be careful that your intellect doesn't bury your intuition. There's a tendency for you to impose your own moral code on others and not allow for human frailty. Your passions are intense, extreme and without reason; in fact, you are a person of extremes all around, in the clouds one minute,in the pits the next. In reacting to these extremes, take care not to overcorrect. Guard your health and nerves, and avoid any tendency to be mercenary, acquisitive or self-aggrandizing. 12th Day of the Month A birthday on the twelfth day of the month indicates a brilliant, magnetic, imaginative person, a good speaker who can be very convincing in an argument. Since you have a well balanced mind, artistic tendencies and enjoy life and action, you could succeed as a trial lawyer, actor or in sales/advertising. Your high ideals demand that you have a"mission" in life. You need to keep intellectually active to avoid the ups and downs that are the handicap of all 3's. Your flair for design would serve you well in architecture or interior decorating. Flirtatious and inclined toward affairs, you need to finish what you start and avoid the tendency to scatter. 13th Day of the Month A birthday on the thirteenth day of the month indicates a riddle inside a contradiction, creativity, expansion and restlessness(1+3) behind regularity and limitation (4). You are sensitive and spiritual, suffer through your environment, and are given to explosions of temper. Your good mind is offset by an exceptionally stubborn will, and while you have a strong love nature, you seldom show it and then suffer because of it. Often misunderstood, you are considered temperamental and at times unreasonable, and while you are inclined to be dictatorial, you are an excellent manager. Your best success is in dealing with the earth - mining, geology, practical construction. A walking dichotomy, you love a uniform but hate war. Home is essential to your happiness. 14th Day of the Month A birthday on the fourteenth day of the month indicates a versatile and dual person with both a reasoning and a prophetic mind. "Lucky" in games of chance and contests, you're a natural bettor and gambler. Your success lies in business on a large scale, but you need some form of artistic expression for recreation and to "let off steam." Very emotional, you can always be appealed to through your feelings and sympathies. You are apt to crave constant change, and should avoid all of the pitfalls associated with the physical - drugs, alcohol, promiscuity and other sexual excess. You can be a bridge between the physical and spiritual worlds, and have great constructive or destructive power - as you choose. 15th Day of the Month A birthday on the fifteenth day of the month indicates a gifted person under the protection of the kindly, harmonious six who absorbs knowledge rather than acquires it through hard study. In fact, you attract many things - friends, gifts, money, opportunities, and give the impression of youthfulness and good health. You're capable of much self-sacrifice for a good cause or to help a friend, but you will not submit to domination. Your mind is scientific but your expession is often musical; although your success lies in a professional career, music plays a pivotal role throughout your life. You love your home, and while you are demonstrative and generous, you are more inclined toward individual acts of charity than to institutional philanthropy. 16th Day of the Month A birthday on the sixteenth day of the month indicates a nervous and sometimes irritable person who makes complications and intricacies and then suffers the consequences. Naturally aloof, you nonetheless lean toward home and affection. Though you can suceed in art or literature, your powers of reason and analysis demand a business outlet as well. While not actively aggressive, you don't like your plans interfered with. You tend to put off until whenever the things you know you should be doing right now, and live too much within yourself. As much as you want affection, you don't always make the effort to earn it. 17th Day of the Month A birthday on the seventeenth day of the month indicates a high minded, proud spirited individual, sometimes liberal, sometimes conservative, generous or stingy, collecting or dissipating. Very set in your ideas, you seldom yield to others; in business you do best at the head of the enterprise, working with under-partners. You execute whatever you do, have a particular talent for managing the interests and affairs of others, and are drawn to dealing in large affairs. The details are for someone else to take care of, since you hate to be bothered with them. You can be successful in any enterprise connected with the earth (e.g., land, mining, oil, livestock), as well as writing, though you are more inclined to technical or historical writing than to fiction. You love knowledge and like to explore. When it comes to spiritual matters, you want proof. 18th Day of the Month A birthday on the eighteenth day of the month indicates a person whose life is filled with change, activity and travel. You may find yourself responsible for the care of groups or communities that will tap your fund of helpfulness. Much is expected of you because much has been given to you The independence of the 1 and the efficiency of the 8, manifesting to mankind through the 9. Since you don't like to take advice, it's as well that you rarely need it. You're drawn to any large field in need of efficient administration (e.g., law, politics, religion), and although your first efforts may not always succeed, you do succeed on repetition - so try, try again. Somewhat emotional, you are nonetheless intellectual and enjoy both reasoning and arguing. These traits equip you well as a drama critic, writer or speaker. In money matters you are never rash, for you feel the responsibility of handling material assets. Marriages or engagements made during the middle portion of your life are likely to be broken. 19th Day of the Month A birthday on the nineteenth day of the month indicates the full gamut of the vibrations, from 1 through 9, influencing your personality. Logical, persevering, tenacious, practical , artistic and universal, you can rise to great heights or fall to great depths in both acts and emotions. You're independent and must not submit to limitations. This independence is the source of your dislike of society's conventions, which you refuse to follow in your private life, though you don't give public offense. Your versatility opens a wide range of career options for you, though you are suited to a profession rather than to business. Your deep sense of responsibility and strong impulse to better conditions equip you well for politics if you are so inclined. You crave change and variety, are always altering your surroundings and will need to make many adjustments in your personal life. 20th Day of the Month A birthday on the twentieth day of the month indicates a person best suited to small business, in a friendly, protective atmosphere. You prefer to work with others rather than shoulder all the responsibility yourself, and are somewhat disinclined to branch out into larger fields. Although you are a better speaker on paper than before crowds, your instinctive compassion and sensitivity suits you well to politics or ministry. Sympathetic and affectionate, you're able to accumulate a store of knowledge and should have a good education. Your attention to detail makes you well suited to professions demanding that trait, such as corporate law or estate management. You prefer the country to the city and are deeply vested in your home, family and friends. While you like to be helpful, you're not inclined toward avoidable manual labor. Musical expression uplifts you, though you should pursue this as part of a group rather than a soloist. 21st Day of the Month A birthday on the twenty-first day of the month indicates an individual blessed with a beautiful singing and speaking voice that is a significant asset. Magnetic and musical, fond of beauty, art and dancing, you are rather nervous and high strung. You need to get a grip on the inexplicable aversions you feel toward certain things and people. When it comes to love you're more receptive than active in expressing it, but you take great pride in the objects of your affections. Your active imagination leads you to be suspicious, which can cause serious problems in relationships, especially marriage. Avoid the tendency to brood or become depressed. Inherently drawn to books, publishing, editing and related fields, you can be very successful in anything educational. 22nd Day of the Month A birthday on the twenty-second day of the month indicates a high powered individual who functions in both the objective and subjective worlds. This is a master vibration and as such, nervous and over-stimulated; you need rest and seclusion in order to recharge and maintain your equilibrium. Highly intuitive, you should rely on your first impressions. Although you have unlimited power on both planes, you are constantly pulled between expressing your ideals and keeping them within constructive limits. The 22 bears the mission of universal utilitarianism, which leaves little room for personal ambitions. Your greatest success lies in the world of form, in any line that meets your ideals and contributes to the general good. Avoid any dubious or illegal transactions; you would be sure to be caughtand suffer the consequences. 23rd Day of the Month A birthday on the twenty-third day of the month indicates a sympathetic, sensitive, understanding person with a practical turn of mind. You have an uncanny ability to diagnose physical ailments and would therefore be well suited for a career in medicine (but not surgery, since the mission of this vibration is to build and heal instead of tear downand destroy). Your technical ability and practicality may give you an interest in law, chemistry or stocks, but you are simply too practical to succeed in art. Self-sufficient, popular and sociable, you do not suffer from an inferiority complex. You get a lot out of life because you make the best of any situation. You're a good friend who is willing to take on many responsibilities. 24th Day of the Month A birthday on the twenty-fourth day of the month indicates an extremely active person who must keep on the go in order to avoid wasting energy. Though you concentrate on one thing at a time, you thrive on constant change; you aren't the type to retire because you need to keeping expanding and enlarging. You're strongly allied to art and have considerable talent for the stage - your nature is thoroughly dramatic - but are more likely to succeed in business or real estate. Externals don't count much with you, so you don't have much appreciation for the value of time or money. You're primarily practical, with a little inclination to dream and a large inclination to magnify your joys and sorrows. You have a decidedly domestic nature along with a well developed ego and will learn much through your powers of observation. Avoid depression, jealousy and worry. 25th Day of the Month A birthday on the twenty-fifth day of the month indicates a naturally prophetic and intuitive person with a strong leaning toward the occult. You tend to conceal your true feelings and as a result are not always understood. Artistically gifted, you can commercialize almost any area of art to which you are inclined. Success can also be enjoyed in the professions, business or the constructive side of politics. You tend to be vacillating and inconsistent, and until you overcome this tendency your affairs will suffer. It's imperative that you learn to concentrate, force your mind into stability and away from a sense of inferiority, self-pity and depression. Your affections are your greatest weakness, and you must always stay on the straight and narrow, for there's a strong tendency to wander from the path that inclines you to preach morals but practice excess. Idealistic and hopeful, you need to work against laziness. 26th Day of the Month A birthday on the twenty-sixth day of the month indicates an individual with full closets and drawers, for nothing is too small for practical use, and you just know that you'll need it if you get rid of it. You're very introspective and tend to live in the past - to the detriment of the present and future. Although you start many things, you find it hard to finish them, and either rise above or fall below average - as you choose. You can commercialize anything in the artistic lines - except music- in a big way. You can also do well in politics or diplomacy, and should have a good education. You have a beautiful domestic nature, love home and children and are the "marrying kind." Fastidious about your personal belongings and fond of color and show in the clothes you wear, you nonetheless do not insist on physical comforts and are very generous to others. 27th Day of the Month A birthday on the twenty-seventh day of the month indicates a more materially inclined individual than those born on the other "9"birthdays (9th and 18th). The 27 is a strong marriage vibration, though the experience may be disappointing. You're forceful, quietly determined but somewhat erratic, a natural leader who cannot be satisfied in a subordinate position. Neither do you like to account for your own conduct. Versatile and artistic, you also have literary talents and could be a journalist, writer, lecturer or teacher. You're ardent in your affections but tend to overdo family traits. Your religious tendencies are toward Eastern beliefs and away from orthodoxy. 28th Day of the Month A birthday on the twenty-eighth day of the month indicates a strong willed, dominant, tenacious person who is nonetheless filled with love and willing to go to any lengths for its sake. In this regard, your unions may be unconventional, but are always in keeping with your ideals. Executive by nature, you want to excel and will make great sacrifices to do so. Your tendency to daydream and goof off could nullify all your wonderful gifts, so you must never let laziness get the upper hand. Most of your disappointments come from magnifying everything that concerns your life. Freedom is essential to you; you suffer when restrained or limited in anyway. Watch out for the tendency to drop your ideals once you have realized them, since this can deny you your final success. 29th Day of the Month A birthday on the twenty-ninth day of the month indicates inspiration, spirituality and leadership abilities, since this is a master vibration (2+9=11). You have a unique ability to bring together disparate forces and can mediate labor problems or unify religious differences. Your powers are great; you can use them to bring honor or destruction to yourself and others - as you choose. You're an extremist in everything, intense in love and judgments, either way up or way down emotionally. Home is essential to your happiness, but you're high strung and moody, and not easy to live with. You get absorbed in your dreams, aspirations and plans and forget to consider the needs or feelings of those around you. You need a definite work to keep you balanced and efficient. 30th Day of the Month A birthday on the thirtieth day of the month indicates a vital, rather nervous individual who seldom suffers from illnesses thanks to an enviable ability to throw them off. You need to avoid any type of obsession and should never experiment with the occult "for fun." Set in your opinions, you always think you're right, basing your conclusions on a little knowledge combined with much imagination and intuition. Fundamentally loyal, a true friend, you would make a good teacher, writer or social worker. You're flirtatious, but fundamentally loyal and like to be thanked for the thoughtful things you do. Although you're an excellent manager, you're not terribly fond of work. 31st Day of the Month A birthday on the 31st day of the month indicates a person who, like those born on the thirtieth, shouldn't play with psychic phenomena. Your aspirations aren't always reasonable, which leads to disappointments; you need to apply practicality and patient hard work to your endeavors in order to succeed. You don't like to live alone and responsibility is a stabilizer for you, so it makes sense that you're the "marryingkind." You have good business qualities but need to get a grip on your tendency to spend money and dissipate other assets foolishly. Interior decoration, writing, chemistry and pharmacy (you have a special talent for combining drugs and medicines) are other career avenues for which you are well suited. You never forget a kindness - or an injury, real or imagined.

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************************************************************************************************* ************************************************************************************************* Subject Transportation in Chicago Maneuvering in Chicago is relatively easy. The streets generally follow a grid pattern, with north-south streets intersecting east-west ones. A few diagonal streets, which follow old Indian trails, cut across the grid. The meridian mark is located at State and Madison Streets, where addresses begin with 1 North, 1 South, etc. However, most downtown streets are one-way streets, and we strongly recommend that you carry a good city map. Many of the east-west streets downtown are named for presidents, and the east-west streets along North Michigan Avenue are named for the Great Lakes. Outside downtown, streets with numbers as names (e.g., 85th Street) are on the South Side only. Getting around downtown Chicago is easiest on foot, but the bus service is excellent for longer journeys. Bus No. 151, for instance, will take you through downtown, into Lincoln Park and Wrigleyville and beyond. The No. 146 can take you to the Museum Campus, where the Field Museum of Natural History, Shedd Aquarium and Adler Planetarium are located. (Pick it up at the Harold Washington Public Library at the corner of State and Congress.) Call the Regional Transit Authority's Travel Services Division at 312-836-7000, or stop at 181 W. Madison for maps and information about all of the city's transportation services. You could also take one of the tourist buses that offer on-and-off privileges in the downtown area (such as Chicago Motor Coach's double-decker buses) or Chicago Trolley Company's old-fashioned streetcar, which might well be the basis for the best tour in Chicago. Travelers by car may bypass downtown traffic by taking Lower Wacker Drive, a quick route beneath street level, running along the Chicago River. Downtown, some places are better than others for getting a cab (and a courteous driver) Washington, Monroe and Jackson Streets are best bets during rush hour in the Loop, where cabbies are eager for passengers after dropping fares off at Metra and Union Stations. Drivers also congregate at two 24-hour diners the Golden Apple Restaurant in the Lake View neighborhood (at Lincoln, Wellington and Southport Avenues) and at Mike's Rainbow Restaurant in River North (at Clark and Superior Streets). Arriving By Air ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Chicago is served by two major airports O'Hare International Airport, the busiest in the world, is located 18 mi/29 km northwest of the city (45 minutes by car to downtown under normal driving conditions, longer during rush hours). Midway Airport is 8 mi/13 km south of downtown (30 minutes from downtown except during rush hours). Midway is more convenient to downtown than O'Hare but is served by fewer airlines. Hotel Courtesy Vans—Vans that serve hotels near O'Hare and Midway Airports stop outside the baggage claim. They may be summoned at the hotel directory board located in each baggage-claim area. Commercial Shuttles—Continental Air Express offers shuttle service between O'Hare and downtown hotels every five to 10 minutes from 6 am to 1130 pm, seven days a week. $15.50 per person one way, $28 per person round trip. Takes 45-60 minutes. Boarding areas located outside the baggage claim. Reservations necessary when departing from the hotel. Charters available. Phone 312-454-7799. Taxis—Taxis are located outside the baggage claim. Approximate fare to downtown is $33 from O'Hare and $16-$21 from Midway. Note If headed for the suburbs, get a suburban cab rather than a city cab; most Chicago cabbies get hopelessly lost outside the city limits. Airport Train—Chicago Transit Authority (CTA) provides train service between the airports and downtown. At O'Hare, boarding area is at the lower level of Terminal 4. The Blue Line connects O'Hare with downtown (the trip takes 35-40 minutes). The new Orange Line is the Midway Airport connection. Schedules vary depending on time of day. Fare is $1.50 at all times. Phone 312-836-7000. Pace suburban commuter buses connect with the CTA buses and trains and accept CTA transfers. For schedules, fares, maps and other information, call Regional Transit Information at 312-836-7000 for CTA, Metra and Pace services. Or look for the CTA online at http//www.transitchicago.com or Pace Suburban service at http//www.pacebus.com. Rental Cars—Alamo, Avis, Budget, Dollar, Hertz and National have offices at O'Hare. Avis, Budget, Dollar, Hertz and National are on site at Midway. Arriving By Car ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Chicago's expressways have both interstate highway numbers and local names, and these names can change as you move through the system. The highway where I-90 and I-94 run together north of the Loop is called the Kennedy; after they split, I-90 alone is the Kennedy, and I-94 becomes the Edens Expressway. South of the Loop, the area where I-90 and I-94 run together is called the Dan Ryan Expressway. I-55, which runs south to Springfield, is the Stevenson, and I-290 is the Eisenhower. I-294, which bypasses the city in a north-south direction, is called the Tri-State Tollway. The other limited-entrance road that's often used is the Outer Drive, which runs along much of the city's lakefront (it's not in the interstate highway system). There are no toll roads in the city limits, but once you hit the outer suburbs, you may have to pay a $0.40 toll at regular intervals on some highways. For information about tolls, construction, closures, congestion and travel times, call 312-DOT-INFO. Arriving By Train ------------------------------------------------------------------------ The major intercity train station is Chicago Union Station at 210 S. Canal. It is Amtrak's hub and national transfer station and is served by the majority of the system's trains. The station itself has no local number. For information, call individual train lines. Arriving By Bus ------------------------------------------------------------------------ The Greyhound Lines bus terminal is located at 630 W. Harrison St., phone 312-408-5970. For toll-free reservations, call 800-231-2222. Getting Around ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Buses/Subways—The Chicago Transit Authority buses and Elevated Train System (the "el") serve the entire city. $1.50 Monday-Friday, $1.25 Saturday-Sunday and major holidays; $0.30 for transfer good for three rides in two hours and $0.25 extra for express buses. Obtain a CTA Map for route information. 11 S. Wells, phone 312-836-7000. The Chicago Metra Station (at Madison and Canal) houses the METRA commuter trains serving the suburban areas of the city and Arlington International Racecourse. Illinois Central Station (at Michigan and Randolph) houses the South Shore lines. Schedules and fare information may be obtained at the stations or by calling 312-322-6777, Monday-Friday 8 am-5 pm, or 312-836-7000 after hours. Taxis run 24 hours and may be hailed on the street. Fare is $1.50 at flag drop plus $0.20 for each eighth of a mile. The Share-A-Ride program is available for $15 a person from O'Hare to downtown and Midway to downtown, and it's also $15 between O'Hare and Midway airports. Phone 312-829-4222.

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Chantu LIKE TO THANK ALL OF HIS FRIENDS FOR THEIR VALUEABLE CONTRIBUTION, IF YOU WISH TO ADD MORE STUFF PLEASE SEND ME HERE OR FILL THIS FEEDBACK FORM TO GIVE ME YOUR MESSAGES OR COMMENT

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Last Updated 6/060/98 9:56:32 AM